Should my mum get back with this man?

[FeelLikeTweedleDee]

Sorry I didn't know where to post this.

I know it's none of my business, but should my mum get back with one of her exes? Here's the story:

Mum is a widow. When dad died she dated a few men. One of the more serious boyfriends was called Jack. They dated for about a year. Sometimes he stayed over. Sometimes she stayed at his. During this time I was a teenager studying at a local college and still living at home.

Then they split up. Mum said it was because Jack had made her choose between me and him. Basically he wanted me to move out so that he could move in. (Why he couldn't move in with me there is a mystery)...

Anyway, this was 7 years ago. They never spoke after that.

Yesterday out of the blue he phoned mum saying he was lonely. It shocked mum.

She's going to meet him out of curiosity.

I'm now married, living with my husband and expecting my first baby in 1 week. So there will be little affect on me whether she decides to get back with him or not.

My concern is, if he has once made ultimatums like this in the past, what's to stop him making other unfair ultimatums in the future? My mum finally reached an emotional state where she was independent, secure and sincerely didn't want nor need a man. I admired her for it. The strength I have seen in her over the past 7 years has been unbelievable. My suggestions over the years that she start dating have always been met with "No, I can't be bothered with men. I'm happy the way I am".

I've always wanted mum to get a partner whom she can share things with, as she doesn't have many friends. But...an ex? Once who has been unfair to her in the past? Is this advisable?

She asked me to meet with her and I'm doing so tomorrow. I'm not sure what advice to give her.

Thoughts?

An ultimatum over a parners child? No chance.

GeekOfTheWeek - that's what he did back when I was a teenager. I've moved out now though.

If your Mum's reached a state where she's independant and secure, I think you should let her use her own judgement to do what's right for her.

She's an adult, and can make her own choices. Things have obviously changed for you both in the last 7 years. Don't give her advice, just let her know you are there for her if/when she needs you

tutusare4 - she's asked for my advice. That's why she wants to meet me tomorrow.

No no no. Why on earth is she even meeting him? And how desperate must he be to call her in the first place?

I think it depends on how he now views the ultimatum.

If he now regrets it and thinks it was an unreasonable thing to demand, then that's one thing. If he thinks he was justified and it was OK to ask, then it's quite another.

I'd advise she sees him for a coffee and a chat and see what he thinks now.

I think your mother sounds very level headed. She was assertive in the past if she chucked the guy for being unreasonable. (And you'd be amazed how often people just cave when it's a choice between a love-life and their family.) Who knows? Maybe he's spent the last 7 years thoroughly regretting what he said and is a changed man. People can.

I'd be quite confident in her judgement because she's clearly no-one's doormat and she's not a soft touch. I don't think she needs any advice.

Just read the follow-up post. If she's actively asking for advice then all you have to say is 'I trust your judgement... You do what makes you happy and what you think is right'. She may not see him as a candidate for being a lover any more but, if she used to care about him, I expect she'd like to know he's OK as a friend.

"He phoned out of the blue saying he was lonely": that says it all. Thinks only of himself. If he'd phoned saying "I made a huge mistake and I miss you" that would be a little different. He sounds like a selfish t**t.

"Mum said it was because Jack had made her choose between me and him. Basically he wanted me to move out so that he could move in. (Why he couldn't move in with me there is a mystery)"

How old were you when this happened? Good on your Mum for making the correct choice, but I would be very wary of a man who dares to think that he is even entitled to demand such a thing.

He sounds like a proper scumbag to be honest but it might not affect you now so it's hard to say...

My MIL is living with an absolutely useless arse of a man and it sort of works except when we go to visit with the children and he throws strops to rival them...

I am aware that you were a teenager but imo a man that issues such an ultimatum is, frankly, a twat.

Twats rarely change for the better.

SandyBits - that's what I thought. It's been SEVEN years.

Chil1234 - I admire my mums strength and how she has changed since dad died (from dependent to independent). But despite her independence she is still quite naive. It's hard to explain. She lives in her own sheltered bubble. She's retired, doesn't get out much, and her life consists of her tiny village and trips into town. I know I'm overreacting but I'd hate to see her regress into her former weak self (suicidal depressive). I don't want some man (who has proven himself to be a selfish ass) to knock her down again. She's came such a long way.