or am I being too lenient

[ifiwereamillionaire]

This is going to end up as a combination of rant, AIBU and WWYD so please bear with me as I am not trying to stealth troll or anything else just looking for some MN critique.

Basic situation: We have been together 11 years with 3y6mo ds and 18mo dd.

DH works 13 hours M - F, I am at home those days.

I work 12.5 hr shift at the weekend, DH is at home with the kids.

We are together one day per week.

My work at home includes all the child care, (day and night as they both wake a few times per night/week), meals, house work, shopping, home finances, along with the extras like xmas/birthdays, insurance, household purchases, (new tv etc) mortgages/house buying stuff.

DH works outside the home full time but also deals with the heavy garden work, (I do weeding and tidying), and DIY.

After work dh spends time playing with the kids, going online etc while I sort the dishes, load the washing machine and tidy the toys.

Once the kids are in be I make tea and we sit together to watch TV, read, play on the computer, whatever takes our fancy.

Our relationship goes through a regular cycle of working together and getting along then every couple of months things start to slide and we fall out, talk things over, make a plan and move forward again.

I think our relationship/job split works fairly well though i am sure we are both convinced we work a little harder than the other .

The problem started last night when I became seriously raging at some things dh said mixed in with his behaviour/attitude during the last couple of weekends when I have been at work.

He started by complaining that I hadn't washed the floors, which makes the house look dirty even though everything else is clean.

He suggested I spend at least one hour daily cleaning the house including the floors rather than a couple of days doing a big clean and leaving the floors grubby for the rest of the week.

Nothing unreasonable {angry]

I pointed out that recently I had come home from work to find the house dirty, clothes, toys and dishes on the floors and surfaces and in the garden and the children in their clothes and after being told it would be done later, having to sort everything out the next morning or do it myself that night.

His reasons included only having one day off and not wanting to spend it cleaning up, I have all week to tidy the mess and he gets up at 05:30 and works full time while I don't.

I told him to go fuck himself last night because I couldn't face talking to him and am still too angry for words.

I feel he isn't valuing my contribution at home or work, lacks understanding of my workload during the day and has shown disrespect to me as his wife/mother of his children. I am hurt, angry and frustrated right now and want to inflict true pain on his ass!

OR was he just making a comment about dirty floors and I have taken the hump and been OTT in my reaction?

Hmm, we have the same thing going on here, DH works ft and I am on maternity leave with 10m DS, due to go back 3 days a week in 10 wks time.

DH does nothing towards the household at all apart from washing the cars which he likes doing cos he has a new powerwasher I do all the rest.

However we are building a house at the mo and I have told him that once we are in, if he does not wish to help with the chores I am getting a cleaner to do the nasty bits i.e. floors, bathrooms, dusting.

And so it won't cost the earth, 3 hours a week should do it so maybe £25 ish but it will save the arguments!

Worth trying?

YANBU. But no point in arguing. Just tell him that yes, you are responsible for the cleaning, you have no problem with that but you will do it the way you want and his "suggestions" are unhelpful. If he isn't happy, then he knows where the mop bucket is. Or pays for a cleaner.

I suspect that most DH's do not appreciate the constant work that is required in keeping on top of household chores. I don't think anyone does, until you are the one doing it iyswim.

AIBU? No, YANBU

WWYD? I would get a cleaner if possible, and if not, then renegotiate a split of duties if he is that worried about the cleanliness of the house. FWIW the split you have sounds a bit uneven, given you do all the finances/paperwork as well. You could list absolutely everything you do on a daily basis, time taken, then ask him, if he's your boss (as he seems to think he is!), exactly where you find the time to fit in extra cleaning? And whilst you're at it, where is your day off?????

Thanks for replying.

I don't feel right taking on a cleaner because I am at home and TBH I could manage to do the floors .... at some point!

Here I am sitting on the computer while the floors are unwashed (although it is on my list of jobs for today) and I don't feel guilty for grabbing 10 min sit down at the computer between cleaning the bathroom and hoovering the upstairs. Even as I am writing this I am helping the kids with fancy dress so not really resting IYSWIM

lukewarmcupoftea I had thought of writing a
schedule (I am anal anyway) of each days work but I had hoped the day I work would have given him the opportunity to live in my shoes/ opened his eyes to the daily grind. Even the days he does tidy up or do a washing he makes such a drama about it, reeling off the jobs done like he wants a medal.

if you're doing it then you decide how and when you're doing it IMO. He needs to either keep his unhelpful comments to himself, or clean the floors himself!

I did myself a cleaning rota which is stuck to the fridge. Part of my reason for doing this was so that DH could see just how much is involved in keeping a household clean and running smoothly! He really had no idea!

Hmm. Ultimately it's about trust. I don't think making lists of what you've done is the way forward, especially if he has no idea how long those tasks take. I think you have to say to him "Look, I've told you I didn't have time as I did loads of other stuff round the house, you have to trust me on that."

I do think you also need to address the division of labour though - as others have said it sounds like you're doing more than your share. My view is that, when one partner is working (outside the home), the other one should try to get as much done round the home as possible during that time (with the usual tea/lunch breaks, as the WOH partner will be having). Then anything left over/evening routine is shared equally. As I say though, it relies on trust.

I am not sure why he thinks Saturday is his day off. If you're expected to do housework while he's at work, he should do housework while you are.

wow - I'd be seriously raging if that was my DH! It is hard enough looking after DC without the added pressure of being expected to have the house gleaming every day of the week.

I clean when I can and DH doesn't mind that. Children come first, housework always take a back seat and I do it when I am able to (sometimes once a fortnight - and the kitchen floor can go anything between two weeks to one month at a time getting a good clean). Life is too short to worry over housework.

YANBU
When my DH has said something similar I have very simply given him the equipment necessary to complete the task himself. Generally ends the conversation rapidly.

Perhaps if the floors bother him so much then ask him to clean them once a week then you can top up in the week. A compromise maybe?

I am a sahm but back when I was working dh did a whole load more than he does now.

We still have discussions about when I get a day off as he seems to think I do nothing all day, other than look after three children and keep the house clean (sometimes) and do the dinners!!

Wash floors? Blimey! Don't know the last time either of us did that!

If I worked 65 hours a week and DP 12.5, I wouldn't expect to do much around the house TBH.

He ought to relax a bit WRT living in a pristine home, however. And although little and often is apparently the way to go housework-wise, the "hour a day" suggestion would have riled me. So on that basis alone, YANBU.

You have pointed out that if he wants the floors doing every day, then he will have to do them on the day he has the Kids, haven't you?

Or that the 'hour a day', also applies to him on that day...

If he expects the house to be clean and tidy on the days he's at work, he should be prepared to match the standard on the day that you are!

Suggest this to him -

1. A list of 'daily' tasks agreed on by both of you that you each make a real effort to do whilst looking after the kids. Match each other's lunch and rest breaks on those days - so if he gets an hour, so do you. If you get an hour when you're out of the house, so does he.

1. A list of big weekly/fortnightly/monthly jobs - and split them between you. And then DO NOT CRITICISE those areas, unless things get really bad. So if he says the bathrooms are your job, he shuts up about them - or does them himself unless they're absolutely filthy.

1. An agreement that the one day off you have together is a no-house-work day. The absolute minimum tasks are done between you and nothng else, so that you both get a 'free'day with the kids to enjoy.

The key thing, though, is that anything he expects you to do daily, so should he!

"He suggested I spend at least one hour daily cleaning the house including the floors rather than a couple of days doing a big clean and leaving the floors grubby for the rest of the week."

He probably thought he was making a helpful suggestion .

Just to be clear and honest, I don't expect DH to come home from work and start cleaning or getting the kids rady for bed. I understand he is tired and am happy to get things done so we both get to sit down at 8pm when the kids are in bed. If the floor isn't washed or clothes are not folded by 8 then I will leave them and add them to the next days list.

My issue is that I expect the same respect towards me when I am working.

I work hard to keep the house tidy and am pretty anal about "a place for everything". The kids toys are in boxes, the cupboards and drawers are organised with no clutter allowed. I believe this makes running the house easier all round as it keeps tidy and appears tidy even if I haven't dusted that day IYSWIM.

I don't expect dh to keep the house immaculate but I would like the dirty washing in the basket, toys put away, dishes organised and the kids ready for bed. Just the basics! I have never asked him to clean when he has the kids because I know he would moan ...although the guy doesn't seem to realise how little he is asked to do!

I i worked 13 hour days mon to fri and dh worked 12.5 hours per week I would expect the floors clean tbh.

GeekOfTheWeek
what else would you expect your OH to have done by the time you get home? and would you expect that when dh worked you would carry out the same duties?

I am not arguing about cleaning the floors which I am happy to do ..... when I can.

I am annoyed a his overall attitude of expectation that I should do everything every day if I am at home with the kids and after work.

He isn't saying you should do everything, he is suggesting that an hour a day would be better than a couple of days big cleanup. And I agree with him, easier to keep on top of things than have to try and do a big clean with littlies under foot.

I think you over-reacted, sorry.

I agree that one hour cleaning per day is better than trying to do a big clean twice per week...I don't object to his comment (although it is taken as criticism and makes me defensive)

Here is my day

Every day I get up tidy the beds and see to the childrens breakfast, get them washed and dressed then leave them playing about while I empty/fill the dishwasher, sort washing, wipe round the bathrooms, read mail and update email/banking.

By the time that is done, (with stops to sort out squabbles, get toys, wipe noses, change poo nappies etc) It is time to make lunch 11:00 so they are fed and tidied again by 12:00 ready to take ds to nursery at 12:30.

Then it's home to settle dd for nap and I get my lunch then spend the 1 hr remaining before I wake dd up to collect ds watching CSI/ reading a book/ going on MN or something I want to do

After school activity depends on what needs done, e.g shopping, tidy the house, change beds. The kids have a snack then play outside/ have friends over, do arts and crafts etc while I try to get stuff done.

At 17:00ish I cook our dinner and they play while I sort the kitchen and cook dh dinner. When dh comes home he plays with the kids then has dinner and catches up with email while I tidy the toys and get the kids ready for bed, load the dishwasher, tidy the books, clothes etc.

20:00 the kids go to bed and we sit with a cuppa T and catch up.

Cleaning wise I spend my days keeping on top of things so the house stays tidy and over two afternoons I do a full clean: dusting cellings and skirtings, washing fingerprints off doors, (lot's of glass doors) and windows, change beds, thorough bathroom clean, brush and wash floors.

This is my every day life...I would honestly love to only spend 1 hour per day cleaning.
I do the exact same during the weekend though it is condensed (sp) if we plan to go out on our family day.

His day is spent in bed till 10am (he deserves a long lie as he is up at 05:30 don'cha know!) unless we have plans and he gets up with me. he has breakfast, watches TV, plays on the computer, gets himsef ready and drives the car.

Send him to come and look at my kitchen floor. He'll soon appreciate what you do!

Look, you work two days, he works five, you can justify a cleaner, if you can spare the cash.

But that's not really the issue is it? He's told you what you should be doing in your own time. As I said before, he is not your boss, and the sooner you make him realise that the better.