To think marriage is merely an uneasy truce?

[proudnsad]

So I was going to post this yesterday anyway, then dh and I had a huge, cliched post-world cup row last night (he: late home from pub, me: screeching like a fishwife about him not even answering his phone. Shudder.)

I love him, but everything seems such a struggle. From domestic shit (he's a goddess, I'm a hobo), to disciplining the kids (he shouts, I distract), to family (he can't stand my mother), to his drinking and smoking (a fair amount), to sex (can't be bothered to explain), to money (he saves, I spend).
It's constant TENSION, it's like we're dancing around each other in this uneasy/on-the-edge manner.

We don't have any 'real' problems, we are lucky I know, but Jesus H Christmas.

AIBU to think this is just the way marriages are? Is anyone else faring better than me?! Am I doing something wrong?!

Marraige should not be just an uneasy truce and if your marraige is then there is something quite seriously wrong with it. I don't think marraige is particularly easy, and things can be tough. But if, in general, the bad bits are outweighing the good bits then you need to do something drastic and sooner rather than later.

Why did you get married in the first place btw (not to be accusatory, just wondered what attracted you to someone so different)?

well with all that tension , I would say at least it is not a dead marriage IYSWIM and you say you love him so that is still a lot.

Peoploe have different temperaments, I rally couldn't say if it was a good marriage or not. We don't have constant tension tbh but we have our problems.

URBU to generalise..... we are heading into our tenth year of marriage and have been through the mill (life threatening health prob, infertility, emigrating, inlaws from hell, redundancy etc.)... and it has only brought us closer, and I know it sounds like a cliche, but each year gets better.

The key to being in a good relationship, whether you are married or not, is to have your partner's best interests at heart. Compromise takes place.

When you love someone, they can infuriate you to hell... this is normal... but talk about it... communicate. Sort it out. Are you doing this?

Well, I am faring better but only because I have worked at it and have probably been married for longer than you. That sounds smug; not meant to. We have those tension filled times too, as I think does everyone, but it blows over if one of us makes the move towards reconciliation.

I do think you have to meet each other halfway sometimes, especially on domestic matters. I am a domestic slob myself and my DH has learnt to put up with it, mostly, while I put up with his other foibles. I would not be happy about his drinking and smoking though. Some things can't be negotiated.

Think you need to sit down, have a good talk, and come up with some compromises. Also just go out and do something fun together when you are done.

I think marriage is very hard work sometimes, but it shouldn't be hard work all the time.

Oh blimey, thought there'd be more 'me toos'.
We've been together 16 years, married 4.
Callisto, funny that you asked why marry someone so different. Funny because I feel we are two peas in a pod! We are both in the same profession, have the same values (big values-wise) I've never met anyone I like, male or female, more than him. We make each other laugh, love socialising with friends but also cosy nights in, adore the dc (obv). Yet we clash so much - I wonder if it's to do with simply both being so headstrong and stubborn and, yes sometimes moody. And selfish??!
Btw the big row last night IS unusual. Tension is usual but big arguments aren't anymore.
Smoking and drinking Journeywoman, I've just given up asking him to give up and cut down. He doesn't have a drink problem he just hasn't grow up in that department!
I think it's true you have to have each other's best interests at heart, perhaps we've forgotten that.

Not an uneasy truce, just a delicate balance of opposites.

Well ours is. And generally the balance is right.

you have not had many replies yet, maybe you'll get more "me toos§"

We are heading to 10 yrs married. We row about his mother (annually) and his lack of communication. It's OK to suggest keeping the lines of communication open but if it's a one sided convo it gets boring . Sometimes it feels like pulling snails from a shell getting info out of him. I do love him, he's a great father and he makes me laugh alot, alot, alot, just wish he'd talk more and close the CUPBOARD DOORS!

Well, me too. I've been married 17 years, and uneasy truce seems to be as good as it gets.

We're like two dogs jealously guarding our own territories. Any endeavour is a battle of wills to see who will do the least.We seem unable to co-operate on anything, and it makes me cry to see friends and their DHs working together on something.

He is unable to reach a decision on anything unless I say let's do X, then he will find fifty reasons to do Y. He can't even decide on a parking space in an empty car park unless I say "that one", when he'll go and paark somewhere else.

My marriage is a festering pit of resentment - mine because he destroyed my career, and expects me to be his domestic skivvy. His because I won't have sex with him, and the house is about fit to appear on Kim and Aggie's show..

Ha Fransan! I am a bit dreading telling him we 'we need to talk'. Wish there was another way to say it, he'll just think 'here we go - she means she wants to rant at me'. But we do need to clear the air. But he rarely if ever backs down or properly sees my point of view. And then I do rant. Oh god, I think I might be a bit of a nightmare.

Like any war, eventually there is a truce and parties have to sit down and talk and work out a way forward. That is what you need to do.

Your DH is a domestic godess, you are a slob. So what you do is agree he can clean, cook and wash but in return you will do stuff that he hates such as sorting the bills, sorting out DCs for school, sorting their homework, taking them to activites.

On the money thing, you need to work out why he feels worried about money, what your joint priorities for money are. He may be worried about redundancy and the security of your home on a mortgage. He may just have had a childhood where money was always tight. You may have had a childhood with no money worry.

He may smoke and drink to relieve stress which might be better relieved by doing something enjoyable together such as sport or sorting out the underlying stress factor.

Finally, sex can sometimes die when everything else is going wrong in a marriage and sometimes it dies for another reason and then every arguement afterwards about who does the vacuuming and takes the bin out is really about the thing no one can talk about.

No marriage should be a war or about winning and losing. It sounds to me like a long talk about what you both want together is in order.

Marriage is not easy and small DCs can bring a lot of pressure but after 25 years we still work had at it and talk when things are not working right.

The individual differences you describe are present in all relationships, they certainly are in mine.

Why it's a problem for you is you haven't both got to the same stage of compromise. We are very similar to what you describe but we have got to the stage of relenting to make life easier for the other person.

So he tidies up a little more than is natural for him and I slacken my ocd tendencies. I don't trust his mother but I do my best to accomodate her and he always backs me up 100% if anything goes awry. You get the idea...

I don't know what makes a couple remember to do that for each other or how you achieve it for yourself. Individually those things are managable but all together constantly would undermine any relationship.

I think we managed to discuss the latent resentments and agree to alter our behaviour / expectations. But you both have to want it and be willing to adjust. And it doesn't get better overnight. We're 15 years in btw.

Also losing 4-1 yesterday! No wonder he was in a strop!!

Yes, 'the talk' - he gets defensive and pulls thing up from a century ago to try and say I am 'as bad'. Then when it's all over it's all forgotten and we revert to role, only to have another 'talk' x mths later and so the cycle goes.

Daily theres no lid on the milk or it gets left out of the fridge or those cupboard doors!!!!

Just today I walked past my car and he'd not shut the door properly or locked it last night when he used it. aarrghhh!

But there are other things he does do which I really really appreciate.

brass/fran - so with you both. It's the little things that add up. For two years he forgot to lock the back door when he went to bed. My god the resentment and anger, even that was me 'nagging' btw. But yes he does loads, he is fab in many many ways.

We actually have compromised a lot. We are 16 years in believe it or not. He cleans/tidies more but sleeps in every morning, I get kids ready take them to school. I work FT, he works from home and picks dc up from school. Etc. Not sure why I feel so angry a lot of the time.

Butterbur, v sad for you. Is the bad outweighing the good, how serious is the resentment? Can you get through it? I don't feel that way, but I guess I am afraid these things cld get worse in 5/10 years. I hope not, I never want to separate.

I love that you FEEL that he is still 'fab in many many ways'.

Just tell him that more and then tell him it wouldn't kill him to lock the bleedin back door!

Are you feeling you'd rather be the one at home? Or that maybe he should get the kids ready one morning a week?

Sometimes a specific tweak can work miracles. Imagine if one morning all you had to do was get yourself ready for work?

Proud - you're obviously more similar than different, it was just the differences in your OP I was asking about. I don't know, every marraige is different, but I couldn't live like it. Too exhausting. Can you have the talk without it becoming The Talk? Perhaps just say 'DH, I know I'm a slob but I will never change. Maybe we should concentrate on a division of labour that will suit both of us?' Also don't sweat the small stuff. Is leaving the loo seat up really a marraige breaker? A certain amount of blindness to stuff like this can work wonders.

Butterbur, very sad that you live like this.

We've papered over the cracks mostly, but the festering chasms of resentment are still there.

I don't believe in divorce if you've got kids, unless your partner does something extreme. The kids adore their dad as much they do me, and it would destroy them if we divorced. We decided to have them, and if there's a price to pay, we have to pay it.

Only mine can argue with two sat navs[in-car and Tom Tom] and me on a day out he organised! Can you relate to this!

agree Callisto. Have let go of an awful lot of non-deal breakers over the years, but sometimes they come creeping back in...

Actually the issue at the moment for me is his attitude that he will do what he wants, when he wants, he is utterly immovable. He does more than his fair share of childcare, earning dosh and housework. And as I said we are great together in many ways.

But I wish he'd see that I'm not just a nag . Like, fine, stay at the pub watching our miserable national team die a death, come back at 8pm even...but PHONE me or TEXT me or at least answer my calls so I know when he'll be back. It would've taken one minute of his 7 hour pub marathon to do so, but his view was 'no I am not going to check in with you, I don't go out for this long usually and you're not my mother'.

Butterbar totally with you on divorce.

Why is he so angry then?

Hmmm, I think he's angry because I'm often angry with him. I think if I did a surrendered wife experiment, he would be calm, happy and lovely.