FIL entering house without knocking

[eml71]

My husband and I live near his parents. His father is quite involved in our life, and has a key to our house. He used to do the nursery run when I was working and now just pops by occasionally when he wants to say hello. The problem is that he doesn't wait for for me to get to the door. He either knocks or doesn't, but always gets his keys and comes in before I have gotten to the door. I'm pregnant and given the heat, I'm sometimes in clothes I don't want to caught in by folks coming in unannounced. :> But generally, it's just a boundaries thing and I'd be really happier if he just didn't walk in.
For some background, my husband's parents divorced when he was little and he lived with his Dad and was raised by him. MIL is civil/friendly with us, but still not very involved in our lives. We see her occasionally for holidays and one off visits every few months, but it's a 'distant' relationship.
FIL is really involved and helpful but also a bit annoying at times and a bit bossy to me about how I should do things; i.e. feed my daughter more protein, etc etc. My own parents are abroad and are not involved at all, so we are very appreciative of the help we get from FIL.
Because FIL is good with my daughter and husband, and means well, I try and bite my tongue.
Is there a nicer way to set boundaries? In some ways maybe he's in the MIL role, and I should try and respect that.
Any tips for setting limits kindly would be appreciated.

I learned a long time ago to use the broken record technique:

You: "I'd prefer it if you didn't walk into the house without knocking"

FIL "Bla bla bal some reason why he thinks it's ok/you shouldn't be offended"

You: Repeat what you said

Repeat repeat repeat till he gets the message.

My dh did something that annoys me last night and I used the technique on him. He got the message that no matter how he saw what he was doing, I preferred that he didn't do it and after about 5 mins he agreed not to do it again.

fit a door chain.

The nicest way I can think of is just leaving the deadlock/chain on when you're in the house. That way he can't let himself in and you can say it's just habit if he asks.

I wouldn't like it, at all. But I would also feel a bit chicken reluctant to say Oi, stop popping in!

I would 'borrow' his key back for some reason, ie for a builder/repairman to use, or while your keys are temporarily 'lost', then not return it

Or just say in a friendly way, Now that he doesn't do the nursery run, actually could you have the key back please, with a big smile - it would be difficult for him to say no.

Otherwise, as it's DH's dad, it might be best for DH to speak to him, along the lines of...While it's so hot you might be lying around half naked and you would both be embarrassed if he walked in on you like that.

But I would sort it now, otherwise he will be strolling in while you are trying to latch the baby on, wearing a sick stained nighty and sitting on an ice pack for your piles Or not

Have you ever told him that you don't want him to use his key? He may think he's doing you a favour and interrupting you less by letting himself in.

Just have a word and don't use the broken record technique unless he continues to do it when you have asked him not to - I think it's unnecessarily aggressive unless he's explicitly ignored your wishes

Drape yourself nekked over the sofa legs akimbo.

He'll knock next time.

Men are factual if he is challenging your parenting skills quote books and experts to him.

I agree with other posters. I use the same statement over again in a calm voice for something I find unrealistic or unreasonable.

My husband knows my decision is final.

If this doesn't work your DH needs to tell him.

If this still doesn't work change the locks. You can leave a key out in an emergency.

Or move. We live 70 miles away from ILs, it's great

They would do this too, if they were nearer, BTW.

I think if you said 'ooh can you ring the bell rather than letting yourself in - I wouldn't want you to catch me naked and pregnant!' he'd probably be mortified and never do it again.

If you suddenly start putting the chain on then he may be really hurt. If you rely on him for nursery runs, you don't really want to piss him off. Free childcare is a blessing

Maybe you could make some excuse for getting your locks changed and then not give him a key. Alternatively, I think you should explain to your DH why you are uncomfortable with your FIL just letting himself into your house and get your DH to have a word and put a stop to it. Wrt how you bring up your daughter - you are the mother and it is up to you what you feed her etc. I think you just have to say to him that you've know what you are doing and are happy with what you feed your DD. Again I think this is something that your DH could address as it will be easier for all concerned if this comes from him rather than you. If your DH won't deal with this then I'm afraid you will have to assert yourself more firmly if you don't want to be bossed about by your FIL.

If you have a yale lock, deadlock it when you don't want to be disturbed. If you have UPVC doors, lock it and leave your key in the inside lock - means no-one can unlock it from outside.

He probably thinks he's doing you a favour to stop you getting up to the door in the heat if you're pregnant!

what was the reason for him having a key ??

Leave your key in the lock on the inside.

MIL used to do this when dd was newborn. She was doing it, as Galena says, to avoid me having to get up if I was feeding dd.

All I did was put the lock down on the door from the inside. After she tried to get in a few times, and found the door locked, she stopped trying, and went back to ringing the doorbell.

I also like LadyBiscuit's "ooh can you ring the bell rather than letting yourself in - I wouldn't want you to catch me naked and pregnant!" Keep it lighthearted initially. If that doesn't work, then either you or your dh are just going to have to ask him not to do it.

I leave my key in the lock to stop this.

I was going to suggest the naked draping thing too but Ifancy got there first

Either do the nake thing or leave your ky in the door/chain on/chest of drawers across the door.

It would really annoy me too.

I would just be honest with him - it sounds as if he is well intentioned, not doing it to annoy.

Just say that in this heat you often strip off, and that both he and you would be mortified if he walked in - so please, allow time for you to cover up and get to the door.

You can mention the breast feeding thing at this stage too.

My ILs used to do this, but they did it in order to assert their authority in "their son's home", and to interfere and spy on me - so I know how you feel, but I don't think FIL is in the same category.

I agree - either just mention it in a lighthearted way or leave key in the door on the inside (which I always do anyway)

He prob is doing it a) out of habit from the nursery run and/or b) as a favour to stop you rushing.

It sounds like he's a big part of your DH/family's life when you don't have any other parents around day-to-day. And doing the nursery run for you before was a big favour (my parents and PIL are reasonably close but that's a commitment I wouldn't ask for and they wouldn't offer and I get on with them all).

With the new baby coming, you might be feeding etc and want him to let himself in to bring in shopping, come and pick up your DD etc So I'd use the naked/pg line for now which you can re-iterate when the baby arrives or drop as the need arises.

Just my tuppence.

My FIL doe sthis too, my door is usually unlocked becaus ethe dc's are out playing a lot and if he and MIL call round (unannounced) they just open the door. Drives me mad! If the door is locked I usually hear them trying teh door handle. WHat if I was half naked?!!
I wouldn't mind a much but I'd like to hear them if a) I turned up at their house unannounced, and b) I just opened their door and walked in.

Thanks everyone.
A few months back we actually put the chain on and his nose got out joint by that. The chain solution might be the best way to keep going if training him to use a doorbell or knocking doesn't work. I will remind him that we can hear the doorbell.
I think if I felt he gave me a chance to get to the door before opening, I would feel less imposed on. But, if I don't hear the bell that might be because I'm in the shower, etc etc and that is a reason not to let himself in. But, I hope to be clear in a way that doesn't have him feeling unwelcome. We have made several little comments so I think he understands how we feel, but it's a stubbornness/feeling insulted issue. I think he's a sort of sensitive person.
There are times when he'll need to use his key, and I don't want to take it back, but I'd hoped he'd realize he was catching us out sometimes. We joke about the future days and him coming in while I'm feeding, or god forbid on the toilet with the door pushed open by my toddler. Maybe that happening once would cure the problem. hehehe.

BTW, we are really really grateful for the help. We moved up from London in order to have the help. I think we are just trying to preserve a little dignity without being unappreciative.

LOL at training him to use the doorbell.

Just imagine you can hit the end of his nose with a rolled up newspaper until he gets it right. Saying "NO! NO!"

Might at least cheer you up....

it might help if we knew what exactly he said when you put the chain on...? you say he was offended..how did he show it?

I don't envy you and i think you seem very thoughtful about his feelings too.

Say to him: "Lovely fil, would you mind ringing the doorbell rather than letting yourself in?"

Easy .