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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

anxious and confused

21 replies

alonejaney · 27/06/2010 01:17

i am not in a good state tonight.please could i have some guidance?i need to know if i am overreacting here or if this is wrong?

my dp is really confusing me. he always puts me down and tells me i am lazy. we have 3 dc under 4 and i am pregnant.

today i got them up, fed them bathed them did the hoovering, general tidying of toys, dishes and washing. i then took all 3 dcs out with me to a friends to play. i went shopping in late afternoon with my 3 year old whilst dp had he youngest. came home fed baby changed her, fed 3yo got her changed and into bed then sat on mn for a few hours. then did all dishes bottles emptyed bins and cleaned kitchen.

he was then going mad saying i am lazy for' dumping him with the kids whilst i swanned around a supermarket' and he hit me with a rolled up letter he had hold of. he says i have sat on my ass all night. i know ive been on here but this is my only time in 24hours.

please help, is this normal?
i have namechanged for this x

OP posts:
IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 27/06/2010 01:24

YANBU sounds like he is being thoughtless

PortiaNovmerriment · 27/06/2010 01:27

It is not normal, but it might seem common if you trawl the relationship boards because they are full of posters in crisis.

FWIW, he sounds like a bit of an arse to me, and I suspect you are feeling that he is too.

scottishmummy · 27/06/2010 01:37

hes a fucking arse.he hit pg you,thats not normal

derides your maternal contribution thats not normal

any pals/family help you?really given what you describe you shouldn't be getting jip off a potty mouth bully

who can help?
family/pals
HV
GP

do hope this improves,terrible situation

PortiaNovmerriment · 27/06/2010 01:40

I missed the hitting you thing. Doesn't matter that it was a rolled up letter. Thin end of the wedge. Unacceptable. Please talk to somebody.

AgentZigzag · 27/06/2010 01:40

It's not normal in my experience, I would be upset if someone called me lazy and I only have 2 DC and am not pregnant.

I would also not be too happy if DH said I'd 'dumped' his own children on him to look after.

Everyone needs to switch off at some point, MN is good escapism sometimes.

Original poster
alonejaney · 27/06/2010 01:41

no i dont have any family that help. i am really struggling with anxiety at the moment and today i felt proud i could leave the house and get my dc out. it is a big thing for me at the minute and is hard to get them all fed and ready ect.

he could see i was clearly upset but has just stormed upsatirs and now im left to sleep alone on the sofa and im pregnant.

OP posts:
Mumcentreplus · 27/06/2010 01:53

He's being an arse!!!!...he had to look after his own children?...so fuckin what??..you were shopping does he do the shopping?...you need to tell him to fuck off!!...but I know it's not easy

Jamiki · 27/06/2010 03:04

Is he shitty about something else, work?

mixedraceparents · 27/06/2010 06:46

He's an arse and probably doesn't think you have feelings. He probably doesn't count things like that as work, and assumes that you will do them.

You could try telling him how you feel,but I've got a feeling he won't listen and doesn't care.....

whoneedssleepanyway · 27/06/2010 07:04

alonejaney you sound anything but lazy, i sympathise about the anxiety i went through a lot of anxiety after DD1 have you spoken to your GP about this?

He is being V unreasonable. you need to talk about things and try to resolve this before you have DC4 as otherwise it will only get worse.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 27/06/2010 07:16

YANBU. He sounds horrendous. You poor thing. You might have more responses if you post this in 'relationships' too as there are many women who have gone through similar things and had huge amounts of support. Not that you won't get that here, I can't imagine anyone telling you YABU.

mydoorisalwaysopen · 27/06/2010 08:25

Is this normal behaviour for him? If it's unusual maybe you could talk with him when he's calmed down. You are definitely not lazy but if you are often told it your self-esteem msut be really battered. Having young kids is really hard - once me and DH admitted this to each other we've had a much better relationship - and we have been through the mill with his expectations of what can be achieved by one woman looking after 2 kids and working three days a week. He has called me lazy and been physically aggressive to me (first time when I was pregnant with DS2). The second time I went ballistic and scared him so much he's never done it again. For quite a while I felt utterly trapped in my marriage and was very depressed but I have worked at being more assertive and it's much better. He's adjusted his expectations. I saw the GP - didn't go on ADs though because I felt my depression was partly caused by DH so didn't want to medicate myself so I could deal with him being a bastard. Our relationship is much better now. I really feel for you - sorry this doesn't contain any advice - but you're not alone. Relationship section will get you loads of support.

CoupleofKooks · 27/06/2010 08:46

no it's not normal and it's not acceptable to call insults and be aggressive to your pregnant wife

MickChocolateTeapothassnapped · 27/06/2010 08:52

YAVDNBU. Hitting a partner is not on, especially when pregnant. I can't imagine how exhausting it must be to have 3 kids so little whilst pregnant, especially with such little support.

mydoorisalwaysopen · 27/06/2010 08:59

When asked if it was normal behaviour for him I meant did the OP feel he was acting unchararacteristically badly or was this his usual, habitual self - rather than is this normal behaviour per se.

ApocalypseCheese · 27/06/2010 09:36

You are doing far too much for a pregnant woman, you need to be taking better care of yourself, especially in this heat.

I think you need to have a serious chat when he's calmed down. Could the friend you visited help ?

JaneS · 27/06/2010 10:11

'Lazy' is a horrible thing to say to someone! And supermarket trips aren't exactly thrill-a-minute fun ... he is being an arse. Is he usually this rude or does he just not realize that you are currently carrying around and growing another human being and it's kind of, er, important?

gtamom · 29/06/2010 02:02

You are not lazy (from what you posted, you are a normal busy mother, who is ENTITLED to some time to relax when the kids are asleep or occupied safely). You do not have to devote ever minute you are awake to cleaning and cooking and childcare and servicing him! He was wrong to hit you and to insult you like that.

Ignore him, even if you were lazy, it is a free world. Tell him to "Suck it up buttercup", and he better keep his hands (and rolled up papers) to himself.

gtamom · 29/06/2010 02:03

Ask him how his friends and colleges would feel about him were they to know he hit his pregnant wife?

Dinkytinky · 29/06/2010 04:39

That's awful YADDDDDNBU! you need to your rest and you are obviously anything but lazy. You need to put your foot down, and tell him never To hit you with anything ever ever again, pg or not. Do you have people you trust close by? Definitly try to talk to a friend or your mum about it too- he should be utterly utterly ashamed of himself.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 29/06/2010 04:55

Do start a thread in Relationships. His behaviour is appalling, and I think you know that. Hitting you is appalling. Calling you lazy with three under 4 and another on the way (bloody hell, woman) is appalling. Putting you down constantly is appalling.

The man's abusive, and you need a more nuanced set of replies than you've got, I think. This sounds like it's been going on for a while, this sort of behaviour. Has he hit you before?

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