to give up on my friendship ?

[pippylongstockings]

My BF and I have really drifted apart over the last few years since we have had children (she lives 100 miles away).

We have quite different views on parenting styles - she is anti-vacinations, baby would only have organic vegetarian food, having an only child is the best thing to do in this society,sahm is best. Whereas I am a working mum with 2 children think we are lucky to have a vacination program and I am not overly precious about what my kids eat.

Anyway, last year my DH and I ran off and got married and she and her husband were very upset that they hadn't been invited as they had been having a tough time. No-one was invited not even our parents.

Her DH has not spoken to either me or my DH since (8 months)and we have all been friends together for about 15 years. Christmas came and went no christmas card. New Year came and went no contact - I rang them on NYD to wish them a Happy 2010. They then completely ignored DS2 birthday dispite it being a few days before their DD's birthday. They missed DH's birthday also (we have a long standing tradition of making wierd funny cards for each other). I have rung her a 4 or 5 times this year and she has never rung me.

It was her birthday last week and I sourced for her some lovely 1920's seed packets - as she is a keen vegetable grower, and a veretarian and lives in a 1920's house. However she has not acknowledged or thanked me for them. Just a quick text would have been nice.

My DH thinks I should just leave it and kiss goodbye to being friends. I feel I should have it out with her and her DH, but feel so angry about the situation I am worried it will all kick off.

that's really sad :-(
how childish of them to ruin what sounds like a great friendship over something like that.

I think if it were me i'd make a last ditch attempt at maintaining it by writing a letter saying how sad you are that it has come to this and you're leaving the ball in her court if she wishes to get in touch

How sad. I suggest that if you want to have it out with her because you are angry, there is probably no point and you will just end up provoking her to say things you won't want to hear.

But if you actually still want to rescue the friendship it might be worth writing to her to say how sad you feel that the friendship seems to be slipping away from you and that you really value her friendship. I think that's what I would do unless I really just wanted to tell her off, in which case I would think it was best to just have a private rant at home!

x-posts thisis! Great minds...

I think thisisyesterday is right. A letter also gives you the time to phrase things exactly as you wish them where a conversation might get a little heated.

It's awful when this happens... I really hope your friend realises how silly she's being.

it isn't precious t want your child to eat decent quality food.

I would write her a letter saying how sorry you are that they are s upset about the wedding but they must understand that nobody was invited.

I once wrote and asked a friend if she still wanted to be friends, having said she would arrange a pre-wedding treat for me and accepted my wedding invite and then didn't come, she said she did. Nothing since.

Fab - maybe I haven't worded it quite right, I like my children to eat decent quality food but I wouldn't refuse my child having a mini-milk on a hot day in the park because it wasn't organic!

That said she has relaxed slightly now her DD is 4 and has an opinion/loud voice

if it were me I'd just accept she's moved on and doesn't want to be in touch with you. don't dwell on it but have fond memories of the friendship you had.

people change and move on. I am no longer friends with many people I used to know due to life drifting on, being busy and changes in circumstances. The ones who stick around are worth calling friends.

In your OP you said your friends had been going though a tough time. I'm just wondering why they were having a tough time, and whether it's still going on or maybe even getting worse?

Because often when people have a lot going on in their lives or are struggling with something they isolate themselves a bit and it may appear like they're ignoring you or cutting you off when really they're just keeping a v low profile.

The letter idea is a good one, I think I feel so cross because I know that if I challenged her on the situation she would feel within their rights to be angry at me and DH for our wedding, because some other friends were witnesses for us (we got married in a city where we used to live and these friends still live there. So even though we might only see them once a year it was a nice sentimental thing for us)
But honestly we told no-one about our wedding, as I have said not even our parents or siblings.

The lapse of friendship has sort of been brewing in as much as there was another falling out last year over the fact that they weren't invited to some mutual friends stag and hen do's. As I wasn't organising the do's and they live 100 miles away what control did I have over the lack of invite? Anyway that culminated in them not coming to our mutual friends wedding due to lack of babysitter at last moment.....

Arrgghh

Limpopo, they were having a tough time as in the previous few months before our wedding she had a mc and then her DH's step-grandmother had died.We went to visit them during this time and rang or texted nearly every week to try and help and offer support.

They have alot of good stuff going for them too - they had just bought their house which they own outright (no great big mortgage) her DH works part-time in a well paid job so she doesn't have to work and they both get to enjoy alot of family time and doing thing they love growing veg, shopping in flea markets, arts and crafts etc.

I know they have still been trying to get pg this year so far no luck.

Weird but I knew you were going to say they were trying to conceive. Do you know why they haven't yet? Because maybe they're struggling with this, perhaps they've been diagnosed with fertility probs, or have had futher miscarriages (they may not have told you everything).

From experience I can say that no amount of money, nice houses or free time can compensate for failing to conceive a much wanted child

I would say there's more to this than you think, and it may not be just about her feelings about you.

Go easy on her won't you.

Haven't read everything (battery running out) I was on the point of giving up in similar circs, turned out my pal's relationship had totally broken down, her DH's behaviour had changed, he had been aggressive towards her and she was totally miserable and felt alone. They have now separated and she is feeling much happier and we have since had a couple of happy, chilled Sunday afternoons watching the kiddies run around her back garden and going down the park. Glad I didn't give up!