IS IT JUST OUR SCHOOL? OR IS IT ME?

[packbell]

I would'nt say I've had an easy life my childhood was up and down, parents divorce when I was 8 we changed schools I found it really hard to make friends even back then.

I'm 31 now and still finding it hard! To the point I think what's wrong with me.

I've got 2 children 17mths and 6yrs, I've really tried to make friends with parents at school but find it really hard, I made on close friend but we fell out 9mths ago and it's still haunting me. I made a comment about her personal life to her, (big mistake)

Anyway the fallout was horrible, now finding it increasing hard in the school playground, I realise it would of been playground gossip and now a few mums who are now friends with this ex -mate of mine totally ignore me.

Friendships between parents seem to be so fickle, they change their minds from one week to the next who they will talk to!! I try to be sociable and talk to other parents but I'm always on my guard not to say the wrong thing!! It be taken out of context!

I find myself dreading the school run, I also trying to make friendships away from the school gate, I've started a college course which is going well and made a friend at a slimmimg club I go to she got a little one the same age as mine!

Am I being unreasonable to want to go into the playground to drop my child off, have pleasent conversation with parents!!!

This is really getting me down!

What was the comment you made?

Its not just you I have people that I talk to at the school etc but I wouldnt say they are friends. The problem is that other than having a child of the same age we have little in common.

Yes, what did you say?

packbell, how about joining the PTA? It might just help you meet some of the mums that aren't part of a gossip clique, but who will be pleasant at drop off time.

I am a WOHM who does occasional drop-offs and I found it very hard to get a way "in" (they are all nice women, but they already had their friends when DD started in January). The thing that has helped me is inviting DD's friends for tea. That has meant that I have been chatting with their mums before the tea, and when they pick them up, and then I have someone to talk to in the schoolyard. See if your child is friends with someone whose mum is not part of the fickle set and that might work...

We were friends for nearly 2 yrs really close spent most days together she was like a sister to me. Last year her marriage was rocky, I support her, listened shoulder to cry on all that sort of stuff, the last time was end of september (same routine) a week later she told me she was pregnant and happy with their 3rd child. It was in a conversation the next day I let slip a baby would'nt make everything better! I apologised instantly because it upset her, she said it was ok, but 3 weeks later I found out it wasn't.

In hind sight I know I should not of said it, but I apologised til I was blue in the face it was horrible, she played games Yes we are ok I forgive you, no I don't, yes I do let's forget about it, To a then no I don't I don't want you in my life anymore!!

it doesn't sound like an unforgivable thing to say, just an honest one.

I second asking children to tea. Volunteering to hear children read means you get to know them a bit better. You can use that as a conversation opener with the parents, everyone loves hearing about their own dc.

packbell I wouldn't fret about the loss of that particular friend; it sounds like she is playing a game of emotional blackmail with you. You did the right thing and apologised for your comment (and we all say things we regret sometimes), but she hasn't let it go, which is her issue not yours. I agree with clemet about joining the PTA, or similar, as that will give you stuff in common to talk about. Also, try and invite you DCs friends round for tea and it'll be easier to talk to the Mums one on one. The school run should not be a big deal - most people are there to drop off kids and then get on with their lives, whatever that may be.

yes I'm a WOHM (single mum too) and I find the other parents who are chatting happily together even about general child topics such as favourite food bedtime etc don't want you to be included. I often thing WTF as all DC's have them and it's not like you would discuss sex, hubby etc as you would with a close friend at home when DC's are in bed and out of earshot in the playground so hardly a special club!!

I will try the home invites too and hope this works.

'Volunteering to hear children read means you get to know them a bit better. You can use that as a conversation opener with the parents, everyone loves hearing about their own dc.'
As a volunteer in school ,you shouldn't talk about any children in school, even to their own parent!! And be warned many parents will think you are volunteering just because you want to snoop

Regarding your friend, I'd say that you simply said something she didn't want to hear, and that having you as a friend is hard for her because she is still in a relationship which you have heard lots of negative things about - so that's embarrassing for her. I don't think you should beat yourself up about that.

Sounds like your ex-'friend' is a real piece of work. I'd start inviting your older DC's friends over for play dates to provide a point of contact with other parents.

I agree that volunteering in school is a good idea and don't think that making a general, complimentary comment about a parent's own child would go down well without breaching confidentiality (eg 'I noticed when I was helping out at school last week how kind your DC is to the smaller children' rather than 'I think your DC is almost ready for level 8 books')

good to hear that you are making friends through other things as well. Take care and let us know how you get on

sorry - got a bit garbled. 'think' not 'don't think' obviously

I have to say since my dc started school I've been shocked at the immaturity of many parents outside the school gate.

I was a teacher for many years and totally oblivious to life on the other side of the gate. It's like going back to school with the added bonus of the emotional pull of your dc.

The problem is as adults you surround yourself with likeminded people who you like, so nice people if you're like me. When a child starts school by the law of averages 30 other sets of parents aren't all going to be your cup of tea but you have to get along because you're welded together and so are your dc.

Also you get mums who treat school as a chance to broaden their social circle and think the be all and end of life is to be top of the social tree so to speak so they'll pretty much do anything to ensure that happens-remember the hockey team? Well it's like that with bells on.

My piece of advice is just rise above it. Chat to who you want to,be nice and friendly,invite people round for coffee if you like them but only if and get on with your life and day. Pretty much leave it at that.

School isn't the be all and end all of your life,once the kids leave primary you'll probably never see most of the parents again. Focus on your friends and life outside of school. If somebody is so immature and rude not to chat to a fellow mum for whatever reason do you really want anything more than a cursory nod and hello?

To be honest I think a lot of this born out of insecurity from these type of parents and maybe a lack of something outside of school.

It's funny because I had similar feelings about several mums outside our gate,happened to end up chatting to another mum who mentioned that she and several others were fed up with the rude immature behaviour too.We've got quite friendly since. Most of my other 'school' friends all have kids in other classes that I knew before or made through friends. I really have absolutely nothing in common with most of the mums in 2 of my children's classes so don't really bother.I'm polite but that's it.In my other child's class I have far more in common so chat and do things with several. You might find this.

To be honest I don't really have time as my dc get older. I also find I'm getting more ruthless with friendships and only cultivate them with people I really like not because I think I have to like I think many mums do. If anybody's rude or up themselves they're off the listTry it it's quite liberating

I think this happens at all schools - the last post pretty much sums it up sensibly, but it can sometimes be hard to go your own way especially of you feel it could have repercussions for your kids.