To expect DH to use some initiative...

[SpeedyGonzalez]

...when it comes to feeding his child?

With DS we left it too late and he resolutely refused to take the bottle. So this time around I got everything ready long in advance, expressed and froze milk 4 days before we had planned to start, and have continued to make sure we have milk available for DH to feed her with. We had agreed long ago that he would have sole responsibility for bottle feeding, but since DH works full time and I was still preg I did all this because I had more time.

Roll forward to DD's arrival.

DH gave her about 2 bottle feeds at age 3 weeks (I was the one who asked him to give these feeds), which went well. A week later he asked me what would be the best time of day for him to feed her, and I told him. She's now 7 weeks and he hasn't picked up a bottle since. Despite my reminding him several times. I then asked him what was going on, and he said it's because I'm always feeding her and need to tell him when I want him to do it. This is what he calls taking 'sole responsibility'?

Surely I'd already told him when to feed her, in answer to his own question? And does this mean that his mouth and brain are malfunctioning so that he's incapable of suggesting all by himself that he does a feed? I have to do it for him? I have two children already, I do not need to hand-hold a third. I am not the kind of woman who 'needs' to be her husband's mother.

Despite this, I have continued to remind him when there is milk ready in the fridge. I defrosted one bottle and reminded him every bloody day. He did nothing, and so it went to waste. Grr. I expressed some more and put it in the fridge, again reminding him every day how long it would be good for. In the end, by day 3 I fed her with it, and since she's not had a bottle in about 3 weeks, lo and behold she spat it out. And why should she take a bottle from me, when she can just get it at source?

So AIBU to expect him to take the initiative? I am sleep-deprived so want to make sure this is not clouding my judgement, as I know that when I approach him about this again, he will be ultra-hyper-super defensive and that that will cloud his judgement (oh, the 'rationality' that men claim to possess...if only it were true).

Am stroppy tonight. Forgive me.

Grr.

I don't know- but what's under your carpets?

Underlay, underlay

Take my complaints seriously. Pleeeeease...!

Arriba!

Well it sounds like he's doing a fairly typical selfish-man thing of botching up a job and claiming not to know how to do it, in order for you to keep doing it. Because you're the 'woman' in the house and domestic work and childcare are what you are for - if he does anything like that properly, his cock will fall off.

areeeeba areeeeba

sorry

maybe you should arrange an exact feed that he does every day? maybe he should do the bedtime feed or whenever, just make sure its the same one every day. i can understand what he says about you always feeding her, why don't you just say 'dd needs a feed now do you want to do it?'

Quite, SGB. Glad to see I'm not being U! I shall start limbering up for a bit of verbal kick-boxing.

Rhett - because we've already discussed it and I told him what time he should do it! Why should I have to remind him every day? He never brings milk out of the freezer, EVER, and when I do (and remind him day after day that it's there) it stays there until it goes off. He clearly can't be arsed.

You know, this is why men accuse women of nagging. They say they'll do something, they don't do it, they ask for a reminder, they still don't do it, so they get reminded day after day and then get pissed off that they're being 'nagged'. I don't want that in my relationship.

you are actually talking sense and i now agree wholeheartedly with you and sgb! yanbu

spell it out to him.
no matter how utterly bloody annoying it is - it's either words of one syallable spoken clearly and slowly or days of seething resentment and disbelief at just how completely fucking useless he is and what the fuck have you done.

you can say the words angrily, but remember to check afterwards that he has actually understood them or you will just have to repeat the process thereby pissing yourself off even more.

good luck, and congratulations

Thanks, Rhett!

basking...how insightful you are. Although 'understanding' and 'acting upon' my words are two distinct (and clearly highly complex) skills...

Oh, and thanks! She's a gorgeous little thing.

don't give up speedy
you want him to feed that baby

he WILL feed that baby

Oh, I am so weary...but thanks for the pep talk.

I dont know if this will come out right...

But maaybe your DH doesnt want her to have bottles? I had trouble bf'ing my first two and the ended up on bottles. 7 weeks into my third and she feeds well on the boob. DH is stoked. He loves that I feed her and that I am able to.

I know it enables you to get a break, him giving her a feed, but seriously the faffing around with bottles is such a drudge. Not that I am excusing him you understand.

But maybe he thinks that the feding is going so well that he doesnt need to feed her? Maybe he is scared to say 'no I think you should just bf her'? I doont know!

I know you said you have told him, but if you sit down with him again, and say 'my reasons for her taking a bottle are x, y and z' then he will understand. I agree that you need to say 'right, you are doing the 7pm feed. Iwill make sure there is milk in the fridge, but I need u do do it.' Then remind him for the first few day (this is NOT mothering him) then he will see the bonding he gets with her and once you are all on the same page perhaps he will understand?

Just a thought. Not trying to be mean or anythign so I hope this came across as it was intended.

I just mean that at this stage, with feeding going well, MY DH ( and I do realise everyone is different!) would be like 'why? feding is going well, why bother introducing a bottle?' type thing. So maybe that is where your Dh is coming from, but actually hasnt put it into words, iyswim?

Gah this is all coming out wrong, I know what I mean but cant put it into words!

BUT YANBU wanting him to do a feed so that you can get a break. I do understand that.

Plonk your and his lovely baby onto his lap and go out. He will do it then.
Don't give up speedy. He is trying it on and being lazy. Don't do it for him anymore just give him the baby. She will let him know.

how's it going?

hope you've had a breakthrough

House - thanks for trying! Basically I'll be going back to work (p/t) in a few months; he's agreed to look after her on those days. So he either grows a pair of lactating breasts or he pulls his finger out.

Thanks for your support, all. We spoke argued about it today. He started off with his usuall trying to get me to take responsibility for his responsibilities, but then eventually he got it. And I almost fell over when this evening he asked me whether there was milk in the freezer so that he could defrost it. (Hurray!!) Okay, so he could have just hoiked his ass off to the freezer to check instead of asking me; (I did say 'I think so: why don't you go and check?') but still, I've clearly got through to him. Bloody miracle.

Thank you SO much for your help!

good for you!

all is not lost! sometimes you've just got to keep the faith
really pleased for you

Thanks! I'll keep my fingers crossed very tightly...