To think that my mum would actually ask after DD2?

[insertwittynicknameHERE]

DD2 has been at the orthoptics (may have spelt it wrong) dept of the local hospital for some tests on her eyes. I have glaucoma and Axenfeld syndrome, also degenerative deafness. DD2 is almost 11mo and is being examined for both eye problems and deafness.

Had an emotional time of late due to this and could have done with some support from my mum, especially considering that she has been though it with myself and my brother.

Mum rang earlier (DD2 has been for tests today, which mum knew about) to tell me that my niece had rolled over for the first time. I mean it's great that she has but that is what babies do and tbh I have a lot to worry about right now so I wasn't too enthused about it.

Mum never once asked me about DD2 and how she got on, when I tried to tell her she just kept changing the subject back to my niece.

I knew as soon as the god himself (my brother) had a child my two girls would be forgotten. I am so sad.

MIL has been an absolute fantastic, godsend to DH and I. I had my appendix out a couple of weeks ago, my mum never even rang to see how I was cos she was busy with my brother and niece. MIL helped DH and I so much.

I feel like telling my mum to fuck off tbh

YANBU - poor you. She sounds very hurtful. Have you ever confronted her about the way she is?

I'm really sorry to hear that your Mum has been so thoughtless.
You are not being unreasonable to be upset.
Unfortunately some people get a bit wrapped up in their own personal bubbles and forget to care about those close to them. My own parents have a tendency to be a bit like that sometimes and I too find it really hard.
I'm just really glad to hear that your MIL is so supportive. I hope you can turn to her instead.

Yes I have, but I go nowhere. She just doesn't see the way she is and will never believe it. I am her mistake as she tells me so often, but apparently she still loves me.

TBH it all came to a head when DH had to call an ambulance for me when I had acute appendicitis. He then called my parents to see if they (or one of them) would sit with the DD's while he came with me to hospital. Neither mum nor dad would so I had to go on my own. I know I am a grown woman but I could have done with DH there when I came round from the anesthetic.
MIL was working 40 miles away but left work at once and came here to sit with the DD's, but by that time it was late and when DH had rang the hospital I was still in theatre

Neither mum or dad rang DH/the hospital or me, despite have the number for my bedside phone to see if I was okay.

I have turned to MIL, we have had a bit of a 'varied' relationship but we have worked at it and I genuinely like her now.

I can honestly say that mum not asking after DD2 (something so little would have meant so much to me) means that I feel such hatred for her now. I feel so sad to say that and to feel like I do, but I honestly don't think I can have any sort of relationship with my mum anymore.

The funny thing is my mum and dad idolize DD1 and she them, so I don't understand their indifference to DD2

I didn't want to read and not post, although I have nothing constructive to say other than I am sorry abut your mums behaviour and how it is making you feel hopefully someone will be along wiu some proper advice

I know how you feel,I've been through some tough times lately with my folks who have been unsupportive whilst I try and get my young family up and running and I have given up on the situation. It's 6 months now and I have to say my head feels so much clearer not engaging in their silly games. Like you my MIL is fantastic, so loving and helpful. It makes me feel sad but it's better then them being a constant drain on my emotions. You have enough to be getting on with, concentrate on yourself and your own family. You'll feel stronger in time once you are away from them.

Good luck with it all, it's so hard to deal with these things, especially within the first year after giving birth.

I don't really have any advice either I'm afraid - I know, fat lot of help - but just wanted to say that you sound lovely and deserve more than a mother who doesn't show she cares and calls you 'her mistake'.

I hope your dd2 is ok and that you find the support and help you need in your dh and mil.

With regards to your own mum, I'd try to avoid placing any emotional value on what she says/does. Kind of like the saying 'hope for the best but prepare for the worst', but without you wasting too much energy hoping or foreseeing what she might say, iyswim.

Thanks everyone, I'm feeling a bit better after a good nights sleep. I think I am just gonna have to keep my distance from them, I think it is the only way I can stay 'sane' over the whole situation.

YANBU - she is thoughtless. My mother-in-law was similar - doted on our first daughter and ignored the second one, to the extent that she couldn't be bothered to remember her name for years. Sometimes after going on about the first daughter she would remember to ask 'And how is the other little one?' It was infuriating. But there's not much you can do about it if that's the way they think.

I would be wary of tolerating this favouritism, actually. Our grandmother did it and it caused my sibling (whom she irrationally disliked) terrible hurt. If the treatment of the DDs is really that unequal it might be better if MIL didn't see much of them.

Is it possible that the current hospital visits etc with DD2 might remind your mum of difficult times that she might prefer to forget about? And so she ignores it?

Doesn't explain the othe lack of consideration though I suppose.

wotnickname, if only. My niece unfortunately has a lot of hospital visits for similar problems to DD2 and mum and dad take my brothers ex and niece to the hospital and go in with her. I don't expect mum and dad to do that for me and DD2 though but it would be nice to know that they were thinking of her IYSWIM.

Lucky that our DD1 takes after her dad more and doesn't seem to be having any problems with her eyes or ears. Although they do keep an eye on her (no pun intended lol) because of my family history.

MIL was fab the other day and left work early to run me and the DD's to DD2's hospital appointment as the local hospital is 2 long bus journeys away from us and a very long walk which I could have done normally if it wasn't for the fact that I had had my appendix out just 2 weeks before.

Mum wasn't very happy that MIL took us, I think she expected me to walk/buss it TBH, mum has been frosty with me ever since. It is very nice not to have to listen to her call her several times a day to speak about my brother and niece.

Don't get me wrong, I love my niece to bits but once a baby has rolled over it kinda gets boring IYSWIM, I don't want to hear about it several times a day.

Ha ha, talk of the devil. Mum has just called and apparently my niece who is almost 6mo has said 'hiya dada' . Fab if she has and everything but I am a bit . I have never known any 6mo to be able to speak yet, but what do I know!!

No asking after either of my DD's, all about niece and brother and my brothers ex.

I cut the convo short saying I had to put some crumpets on lol.

YANBU i'd feel the same. It's so hard when parents treat siblings differently, it doesn't matter how old you are. Glad you have a fab MIL not the same as having your own mum, I know that, my MIL is fab but it's just not the same aI know that more than most, not the same reason as you though.

FYI my dd said 'dada' at 6 months so it does happen. But she didn't know it meant daddy, it was just a sound. If neice is anything like my dd be prepared for your mum to come along with more words pretty soon, dd said around 10 proper words by the time she was 1

yanbu
this is so hurtful of your mum
i dont get how she couldnt realise this is hurtful? definitely understandable for you to feel angry with her, both this and the appendix thing are really bad. can you just say something to her directly, like if she keeps calling up just to mention these normal things of your neice then say like thats very nice mum, did you ever think to ask of my dd2 who has been in hospital? rather than just avoiding and getting of the phone or wil it make things worse?