Being upset with my mum?

[zomic]

My mum has been looking after my 18mth old son for 3 days a week for 4 hours each day while I'm at work, I work PT,she used to do it 5 days a week but said not long ago that this was to much for her due to her having high BP and some arthritis so asked if I could put him in daycare 2 days a week which we have done. She also picks up my 8yr old from school which is over the road from where she lives, this has been really helpfull and i am really grateful for everything she does, but yesterday she just suddenly announced she cant do it anymore, my 18 mth old is too much for her (she's 54) and I had better sort something out, my son has just settled in on his 2 days a week and we can just about afford that, as we had money problems with my OH being made redundant last yr thankfully he has a new job now and we are just starting to get back on our feet and now have to sort out putting him in full time daycare. I am upset because i feel that it is a very long day for him and I wont be able to see him as much, he would have to go in the mornings as it is close to where my OH works and I don't drive. I hate feeling resentful of my mum but feel like she has really dropped me in it, i've had to take time off work to try and sort everything out as they cant fit him in til next month so I'm messing people around at work with it all and am worried about my job we can't afford for me to lose it. I feel really stressed out at the moment and just feel as though my mum doesn't understand that. I know that she hasn't felt well lately and my son can be quite demanding but we have always been very close and I never thought she would just suddenly decide that was it! I have already taken unpaid parental leave from work because of a previous problem. Sorry to ramble but feeling guilty because my mum seems to think I am being unreasonable because I am upset at how she has done things.

oh dear.
I do feel for you, but it isn't really her fault is it? if she has high BP and arthritis then she probably is struggling

is she having him while you find something else?

Is there no chance of doing your 20 hours at work over less days?? Just an idea but you have probably already thought of this.

Are you kidding me?
Sheesh. You should be grateful she's done it at all. Welcome to the real world.

It would have been helpful for her to have given you a bit more notice but apart from that YABU.

High BP can really make a person feel awful, never mind having arthritis too. Looking after a toddler would be difficult. Far better for her to tell you that she's not up to it than have her overdo things and become very ill.

yanbu and neither is your mum bu to say she cant cope with him anymore but i think the decent thing would be if she still helps you out til you get him sorted with a fulltime nursery place, if thats another 1 month its not that long...
did she ask to do it in the first place or did you ask her?

I can understand why you are upset and re-jigging childcare must be a nightmare but it really isn't your mum's fault.

Toddlers are hard work, her health isn't the best by the sounds of it and she's struggling. Just be grateful for what she has done so far and maybe she wants a more rlaxing time of it now.

YABU.
Your mum's had her kids and done all the slog already, yet she seems to be doing rather a lot of it again. Have you considered that she might just want her life back, and to be able to do the things she wants to do without being tied to an 18 month three times a week plus picking up your 8 year old after school?
It's not on quite frankly; you need to allow your mum to enjoy her grandchildren, not to use her as an unpaid childminder just so you can go to work.

If she has blood pressure and arthritis, then is it really such a good idea to ask her to look after a toddler if she doesn't feel up to it? What if she has a stroke one day when alone in the house with a toddler? Or a bad fall caused by arthritis? Would you feel resentful of her then? If her bp is high enough to make her feel ill, then it should definitely not be ignored. I think she is doing the decent thing by warning you before anything happens.

I hear you zomic I have been in the same position..my mum was helping out and my sister too..they both decided it was too much for them...but ultimately your children are your responsibility...i really understand why you are upset....its feels like they have abandoned you into a world of shit but you will work it out ..

I can see this both ways: you made your plans relying on your mum, and now she's changed her mind and you're going to need to spend more on daycare etc. It's understandable for you to be upset about that.

On the other hand, she's got health problems, can't manage it any more and wants her life back. Which is absolutely fair enough.

I think YANBU to be upset but YABU to be cross, if that makes sense. Clearly it will be harder for you without her help, but do remember she doesn't have and never had any obligation to look after your DCs.

If you say "that's fine mum, I'll sort it out, can you give me a few more weeks" I expect you'll get more help from her than if you say "you've dropped me in it" ...

YABVVU

Your OP is all about you and how much this is impacting you. I think the fact that your mum does so much for you proves that she is far from selfish and trying to help as much as possible. Have you considered how poorly she could possibly be feeling to say so suddenly that it is too much for her!

Have some sympathy FGS and be grateful for all she has done so far. Your OP has really angered me. It is not your mums job to look after your kids - it is yours and yours alone.

Grow up and deal with it.

I agree with what Hurley said.

Don't be angry with her, see it from her point of view. Life's too short to bear a grudge after she's done so much already.

YABU she is caring for a 18 month old and collecting your other child, she is 54yrs old with health problems....I bet she is exhausted.
Are you eligible for help with childcare costs?

I'd be a bit annoyed at not getting more notice, I suppose, but it's not your right to have her as a babysitter, as disappointing as it might be that she's stopping. It's really full-on and hard work being with a toddler, even if you're fit and healthy.

She's entitled to do what she likes with her life and you should probably tell her how grateful you are that she's helped you so much until now.

Is part of the problem that you are still seeing her as young and invulnerable, because she is still fairly young for a grandmother? Could there be something she hasn't told you? Has she been having scares re the blood pressure? Could it be that her doctor has told her to cut down on stress?

This may be when you need to become the strong capable adult who is there for her at a time of need. Happens to all of us in the end -we can't expect to be mothered forever- but it can be a big shock if you are unprepared.

YABU

Re her not giving you more notice, I'll bet she but desperately didn't want to let you down so said yes initially. But quickly realised it was just not going to be possible.

There are millions of parents out there with childcare dilemmas/problems/expense.

It used to annoy the shit out of me when our dc were little and in daycare, that certain friends would ask for lots of help from us and others with their dc.

We spent more than half our monthly wage on childcare because, guess what, they are our responsibility, no-one elses.

'I know that she hasn't felt well lately and my son can be quite demanding'

Yet YOU are the one that is upset with her?!

My god what a selfish spoiled brat you are. Your lucky she provided free (Im assuming?) childcare at all. Why the hell is it her responsibility to look after your children?

The fact that she has been ill, has high BP and your DS is quite demanding, really you should've put him into nursery full time and given your mum time to herself. If you can't afford full time daycare then thats your problem really, your mum has raised her kids so should now be allowed time to herself.

You don't drive, you have a job and insufficient childcare, this is not your mum's rersponsibility. You need to sort it out.

YABU-she´s helped you whilst she can, & now she can´t.

She has a valid reason, not just "can´t be bothered".

I never had this amazing help when mine were younger, feel glad you had it, it's time for your dear mum to put her feet up.

I am a Grand Mother who looks after my 2yr old Grand Child I also work nightshift and mind my "near 10yr old Grand Child when she comes in from school, I can assure you it's not easy and I'm just slightly older than your mum.
I want to enjoy my grandchildren not be a second mum to them but can you say that without causing mayhem and confrontation from daughters who think we should be available for their children just whenever they need us to mind them ?
Sorry for the rant but this is a problem I have had for quite some time with my own family members.