To be peeved that I get the traditional "caring" role....

[specialmagiclady]

My mum and dad are sorting out their power of attorney well in advance of going gaga (both incredibly hale and hearty atm). They have basically decided that my brothers get to do the business bit and I get to do the caring bit. Which is fine, but.... I live 500 miles away, my brothers live a couple of hours away; one of my brothers has no dependents, I have 2 kids and a largely absent husband (tho hopefully not a permanent situation); one of my brothers is hopeless, hopeless at financial stuff (I had to explain to him how a mortgage works) etc etc.

I absolutely do not begrudge my parents any caring they might need (although obviously I hope they both drop dead on the same day with no illness at the age of 117), but I just feel that this decision has been based entirely my gender, not my ability to fulfill the duties I've been assigned.

It's what my parents want and that's what's most important, but still, I'm bridling... AIBU?

You could be right but you could perhaps talk to them about the practicalities of doing the "caring" part from that sort of distance - it might be more tactful to emphasise that bit rather than to decry your brother's abilities as your first line of argument.

One could argue that it's presumptous of them to assume that you'll be able and/or willing to take on the role they have selected for you...

YANBU and you should have a talk with them about it. As MsHighwater said, point out the practicalities and the logistical problems.......distance/young family etc etc......who would be caring for your children if you were 500 miles away caring for your parents?

What your parents want is important, but what you each of you are willing and able to do must also be taken into account.

I'd be having a serious word with them as a family group, as if they think that everything has been agreed, it could come as a shock to them further down the line when/if one or more of you either can't or won't carry out the tasks alloted to them.

i am sorry but i would definitely need to speak with my parents about that. i think tehy are being unfair to you to expect that you will uproot your family to be a carer when teh role coudl be shared by all three of you. i wouldn't be happy to accept that.

I didn't know that power of attorney included saying who was to physically look after you!

When my parents did it they said it just meant that I would have control of their assets, with DB as a sort of minor and incompetent sidekick

Hold on

From here

" Lasting Power of Attorney

Sometimes people wish to plan ahead and set out in advance what they would like to happen should they become unable to make decisions for themselves in the future. A Lasting Power of Attorney (LPA) is an important legal document that enables a person who has capacity and is over 18 (Donor) to choose another person or people (Attorney(s)) to make decisions on their behalf. There are 2 different types of LPAs:

• A property and financial affairs LPA is for decisions about finances, such as selling the Donor?s house or managing their bank account; and
• A health and welfare LPA is for decisions about both health and personal welfare, such as where to live, day-to-day care or having medical treatment.

An Attorney is appointed to make decisions as if they were the Donor themselves. An Attorney must act in the Donor?s best interests and have regard to the Code of Practice. "

So it's not that you actually have to go and do the caring, it's that you make teh decisions regarding their care, which is a completely different kettle of fish.

Oh and so if that;s what they mean (and presumably it is) then they ANBU after all!

I have spoken to them, and mum has made it very clear that nobody is to wipe anybody's bottom. Hooray!

It is just that welfare role as detailed by I'mSoNotTelling. Which is a very different kettle of fish.

I would still have to jump on planes etc to go and inspect homes/meet carers etc but as my mum said, hopefully by then the kids will be big enough to ditch or will have left home. Or I can just delegate. It just means we don't all have to sign everything so should speed up decision-making process.

Thanks for your words of wisdom all. Feel it is now sorted, although nothing changed IYSWIM...

Well that's good it's all sorted.

It's the most important role that they've given to you, that's really touching

Thank you for saying that - I was just looking at the list of responsibilities and it includes making decisions about their personal appearance and dress.... which I felt was a bit of daunting/a PITA from 500 miles away. You've made me feel much better about it.

Also, as my mum pointed out, it is always the woman who ends up doing all this stuff, (her SIL did a lot with my grandparents) and she'd rather it was me than, say, my DB's imaginary "bitch second wife..."

Here's hoping it's the 117 years old death by trampolining scenario...

Glad you've got it sorted Special, must be a load off your mind