To feel suffocated by ILs

[shinysparkles]

We go to the same place on holiday every year for a fortnight where we have a house. My DB and his family usually come for one week. Unfortunately we invited PILs the first year we did this and now five years on they kind of expect it. I find them stifling and it spoils what is our only holiday though DCs and DH enjoy their company.

MIL is quite argumentative and difficult and has a very bad temper, she has yelled at DD1 on more than 1 occasion. DD1 is her step grandchild as DH is her stepdad. They both show SD quite a lot of favouritism even down to birthday cards, SD and DD1 have birthdays right next to each others, they send SD huge card with hand written poem, to Darling SD, etc etc, whilst DD1 gets small card. PIL I also find hard work, he often takes our baby DD and won't give her back when she cries, he is difficult to talk to and only really interested in himself IMO.

Anyway this year we told them there was not enough room in the house for them to stay as my sister is also coming so THEY'VE BOOKED A B & B!!!I feel so stifled.

They thought you wanted them but there was no room. Better to have said you needed a break on your own. Next year!

Tactics needed! I'm sure you will get loads here :O)

I would be on my way out every time they appeared, and not tell them where.

So, although they're sleeping at the B&B, are they intending to ship up round at yours every day after breakfast and take root til bedtime?

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!

Clam - yes basically that's the plan I think!Aargh!

oh dear - sometimes we've just got to say the tough stuff / be frank don't we? It's not too late for them to cancel is it - if you fessed up to your real feelings (in very tactiful way but someone else will have to help you there)?

I feel guilty though, feel I have to put up with them for DH and DCs sake...though it is our ONLY holiday!

Christ, yuo are mad-I really liked my in laws but a weekend 3/4 times a year was the limit.

Think up some outrageous activities - nudism, paintballing, meditation or something and send them a bossy daily itinery for the holiday. This will hopefully put them right off and you'll be receiving cancellation excuses in no time.

No offense to anyone who likes those things - I'm pretty keen on all of them, just thought they might be challenging for your grumpy, old ILs. Obviously, pick stuff they will really object to.

Cue the ILs showing up naked with their faces painted all tribal and a paintball gun

LOL @ Paisleyleaf - don't think Boots would be happy developing those holiday snaps...

Tell them you're going the week after you really are

You're going to have to bite the awkward bullet and pull the quiet, family time (just the 4 of you!) card. Brutal is the only way.

next year don't tell them where/when you are going

Have you actually discussed this with DH? Just because he enjoys their company doesn't mean that he won't be happy to ask if they don't mind not joining you next year, or if perhaps they only came for a weekend/long weekend so that you had some time away with just each other and the DCs?

We once spent a week with my PILs. How I didn't kill anyone I don't know (much ranting occurred while in our car). Dh said 'hmmm' a lot. When they suggested we do it again I just politely told them we really wanted a break on our own, they took it (fairly) well.

Could you politely ask them what day they want to meet up as you have plans to do things with your sis and it would be nice to see them for one of the days that they are going to be down there as they will be close...

just very innocently assume that they want to have a holiday in the same neighbourhood as previously, not that they want to spend the holidays with you.

If they have booked it without checking with you then it is kind of their fault - unless your dh encouraged them to come down (there isn't a thread on dadsnet somewhere saying about how he is spending holiday with SIL/BIL families and how can he get his family down there too is there?)

I know it's a kind of passive aggressive way to do it but it can be easier if you're not feeling too brave and wanting to avoid a confrontation. And if you could bear to spend a day with them, then inviting them to spend a day with you is a good way of implicitly telling them that they are not invited for the rest.

And if they tell you they are expecting to spend the time with you then you just have to stand there very quietly saying oh. oh dear. oh. well we did tell you that this year it was SIL'd turn to come down and stay. We've got lots of plans with her that you're not invited to join in I suppose maybe you could also come to dinner one night (or whatever you are willing to negotiate with). And never mind, I'm sure you'll have a lovely time down there doing stuff on your own that you haven't been able to do with all us around.

Worst can happen you get to spend week with PIL as it sounds like you might already be doing - this way you might get a few days off plus you will have made them think in advance of next year.

Oh and you might have to take an alarm clock to get you out of the house before your IL get there in the morning to hammer home the message that you really do have plans that don't involve them!

I like zips idea of asking which day they want to see you

It's difficult as it's such a tiny place, we won't really be able to avoid them I don't think. I have told DH that next year we'll just tell them straight we want a holiday to ourselves, though I don't know if I am being selfish to say this, as he likes having them there - I dread it though and count the days till they're gone.

Firstly I would have to address the issue of blatant favouritism. Completely unfair to your dd.

As far as the holidays go I think honesty if the best policy.

Just a thought, if your family are going with you every year then your dh may get pissed off that his family aren't welcome.

You have to put up with them for your husband´s sake?

Sorry but I get on very wellk with my mum & dad, but as an adult have never wanted to holiday with them.

Why do people do this?

Do you think maybe your DH feels stifled by having your family around him on his holidays?

That's a sibling and kids and just for 1 week, although I agree husband should be able to say if he has had enough of holidays with them. I'd happily go on hol with sibs or husband's sib. Taking parents/ inlaws is different, the generational difference in what you want to do/ expectations etc would be a major factor.
I've gone on hol with parents and inlaws but wouldn't want it to be regular, and if my husband had told me he wanted his parents on holiday with us every year he wouldn't have been the sort of man I'd marry, but then if I was a bloke I probably wouldn't marry the sort of woman who is always on the phone to her mum and wants to visit her parents or have them visiting weekly.

I would love to have another family holiday with my late FIL.

I'd love to have another holiday with my mum but it aint going to happen and doesn't change the OP's situation if she hates holidays with her inlaws. Holidays are suppposed to be enjoyable for all.
The "oooh they'll be dead one day and you'll regret it" type comments don't help much.

It's a bit different re my family as the house belongs to my family and therefore also my DB, so it wouldn't be an option to not have them there. I know DH enjoys that part of the holiday as he is very good friends with my DB and they go out together a lot when we're at home.