Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Broody but dh not keen

27 replies

pontypandy · 22/06/2010 08:37

Hi all, I am have really been getting broody lately but my dh just doesn't seem interested.

I don't know what to do as i would really love another family member, but dh has said in the past that just the one is enough and that he wasn't even thinking about having any kids at all but ds came along not planned and we just sort of went with it.

We are still young and have plenty of time but I don't want the age gap between my ds and another sibling to be to big.
He is 5 is sept and will be starting school so I thought this would be a nice time to start trying soon.

Also I would love a April/May/June baby.
Also I love being a young mum and still want to be young with my second.
How do I get my dh to come round to the idea.

The thing is he says because of our ds's behaviour sometimes he dreads having another one, but ds's behaviour is nothing unusual for another other 4 yo.

He also said if it happens it happens, Does that mean I should "accidentally" "forget" to take some pills.
But I really don't want to do that as that's being deceitful.

What to do?

OP posts:
diamondsandtiaras · 22/06/2010 08:43

you could point out that having a sibling to distract her/interact with might give your DS something to focus on and improve her behaviour a bit? Clutching at straws I know, but he won't know that!!

It's a tricky situation........I'm not sure I would accidentally "forget" to take your pill. I would be far more devious and come off the pill, putting the responsibility for contraception onto DH and then hope he won't bother after a few glasses of wine .........and I'm only half joking too! God I'm devious and BU myself!

Seriously though, have you sat down with him and had a serious talk about it? Explain how much it would mean to you to have another child and a sibling for DS to play with (is your DH an only child by any chance?)

MindySimmons · 22/06/2010 09:32

PontyPandy, please don't go down the route of coming off the pill without telling him. You need to discuss this properly - as much of a blessing as children are, I know more than 1 or 2 many relationships that have ended over exactly the same issue. Essentially the other partner is forced into a situation they expressly said they did not want and resentment surely follows.

That's not to say that you should just forget the whole idea of having another baby. It sounds as if he is not absolutely against the idea - would waiting until he is in school hurt? Perhaps it may help your dh as I expect if you ds is ready for school, he'll channel all his energy there and be exhausted when he gets home!

IMO if you have the choice then it's great to start off the process of having any children both together and ready. I only have 1 so I can't talk from direct experience but from what I see of my friends, 1 to 2 is quite a big change and if you are both ready and eager, it will help tremendously

Original poster
pontypandy · 22/06/2010 10:29

Thanks, about the coming off the pill thing, i would never do that its just from what he said its what i thought he was getting at lol, i mean if im on the pill how is it supposed to be "if it happens it happens"

No he is not an only child he is 1 of 5.

I suppose waiting till ds is in school wouldn't hurt but what's the difference of 3 months, the baby wouldst be born before ds starts school either way.

OP posts:
MindySimmons · 22/06/2010 10:35

That's true but it might just help your dh feel more ready once ds is settled in school.

Original poster
pontypandy · 22/06/2010 12:31

Yeh true, will try and have a chat 2night. Dont know how to bring it up tho and what to say but will try

OP posts:
bumpsnowjustplump · 22/06/2010 12:44

just be honest ponty. I would wait until ds goes to bed and sit down with a glass of wine and tell him how you feel.

Say that it really means a lot to you that ds isn't an only child and that you feel now would be a good time to start trying..

good luck, I know how hard it is as I am trying to convince dp that 3 is infact the lucky number

Original poster
pontypandy · 22/06/2010 12:53

good luck to you too bump.

Thanks i will do that 2night, and will let you all know how it went. Any other advice would be greatly appreciated

OP posts:
Original poster
pontypandy · 22/06/2010 13:42

Does anyone know what i am in-titled to if i have another child. I know my child beinift but what about my Child tax credits and will i quilfy for the sure start grant ect..
]
Just thinking it might be cus of money my dh is reluctant. He works full time, and we arnt the most well off but who with kids really is [confused

OP posts:
Original poster
pontypandy · 22/06/2010 16:28

bumpy

OP posts:
1footinfront · 22/06/2010 16:34

Well the benefits system is being shaken up as of todays budget, there are changes to the Health in pregnancy grant, the Sure start grant is only for the 1st child and changes to CB, HB and LHA.

You should take a look at the news later, as there is quite a lot of changes in the offing now.

Love 1 foot x

Original poster
pontypandy · 22/06/2010 16:42

ok thanks. I didnt relise that the sure start grant was only for the first child i has a little look online and it said it you were on benifts or on the higher rating CTC.

Nothing about it only being for dc1.
What are the changes to the HIP grant up or down or gone??

OP posts:
addictedishavingagirl · 22/06/2010 16:54

pontypandy, it wasnt just for the first child untill today! if you take a looka at the bbc news web site, or even at mumsnet's news article you will see what changes have been made and how they will affect you having another child.

the hip grant is being abolished as of april 2011

Original poster
pontypandy · 22/06/2010 16:57

oh rite thanks i will take a look now

Thanks

OP posts:
crazykat · 22/06/2010 16:58

As from april 2011 HIP grant is going and surestart grant is only for 1st child. The baby element of CTC is going as well.

Original poster
pontypandy · 22/06/2010 17:06

whats the baby element of ctc?? Will we not get any money for babys anymore? when will we start claiming for children then??

This budget stuff has really got be confused

OP posts:
estar · 22/06/2010 17:22

Hi pontypandy, I had a friend in a similar situation where she wanted another baby but her DH only wanted one - think he was a little shocked at how taxing a toddler can be! I honestly advised her that I have only ever seen improvement in behaviour when a child has a sibling. I mean, there can be a few tantrums and phases of mischeif, etc, but in the long term, I think every child has healthier relationships and self-image if they have to share everything - parents, time, experiences - with a brother or sister. I think it sets them up better for life and at the age gap you will have, your DS will probably be fascinated and nurturing towards a new sibling rather than jealous.

And your house and lifestyle is now set up to involved children - why not add another one?

Original poster
pontypandy · 22/06/2010 17:32

thanks estar, that's very nice advice.

i have just got off another thread in which i asked what if any extra money we will get with another child so i can access our financial situation and got my head Totality bitten off

OP posts:
MindySimmons · 22/06/2010 18:43

why does every discussion that involves the potential of having just one child descend into the typical only child stereotypes.

Absolutely no evidence whatsoever that a child without a sibling suffers emotionally. Much more to do with parenting and personality than anything else. You should have another child because you want one for their sake, not to entertain another.

Really fed up of the one child bashing on MN

crazykat · 23/06/2010 07:19

You can still claim CTC for a new baby, it's just the extra £10(ish) a week for when they are under one that is going.

BeenBeta · 23/06/2010 07:44

Not really sure how to persuade your DH. You could try the "would you like a little girls" line of attack. However, dont overestimate or overstate how much your DS will want to or even be able to play or be a companion to a new child.

The 2 year gap between our DSs was difficult to bridge until they were 6 and 8. Now they play together and are firm companions at 8 and 10. Five years would be an even bigger gap.

Temperament and character varies wildly between children though. While DS is a handful you may have a placid child the second time. Althugh that did not happen with us. Dark stormy and intense meets laid back latin and volatile.

I think yu need to have a heart to heart with DH and explain how much it means to you. Also DS is just reaching an interesting age - where DH may feel he can begin to connect to him better as a person rather than a baby/toddler. Cliched but some Dads I know found it difficult to connect with their very young children with DW as a SAHM and them out at work all day.

bumpsnowjustplump · 23/06/2010 07:53

How did it go ponty

Xenia · 23/06/2010 08:04

If he's said if it happens it happens then he's giving you the go ahead so just do it and 5 year gap is pretty large. We have 3 under 5 which has been fun. I would have two more now in the next 18 months if I were you.

Original poster
pontypandy · 23/06/2010 11:04

2 more!! NO, that's one of the things I brought up its not like I want a whole gaggle of kids running about I would just like 1 more.

I did speak with him last night and well I don't think I have got any closer to a straight answer, but when do we with men

I didn't no how to start the conversation I was sitting on it all night hoping something would come on tell about baby's that would be a conversation starter

So anyway i took a risk and said You no what we talked about the other night, Do you want any more kids or not b/c if not I will just sell all of ds's old stuff and get some cash.

He said said "i dunno"!!!!!!
FFS all i want is a do you want more or don't you (well i suppose a dunno is better than a no)

So i started talking bring up some of your good points.

1.DS's behaviour could get better if he has a sibling to interact with
I got back "well what if DS is took rough and hurts the baby"

2.What if we have a girl she could be daddy's little princess
I got back "don't really want a girl, I wouldn't mind" (now I don't really mind looks like a opener )

3.I don't want the age gap to big between DS and another
I got back that "another couple of years wont hurt"
I then said that if we waited until DS was a teenager that it wouldn't really be a little brother or a playmate it would just be some annoying little baby that keeps him up and night.

He also said that with his job (he works 13 hour days from 6am-7pm
that he doesn't want to have broken sleep as he has to be up and 5am and its a driving job and he doesn't want to fall asleep at the wheel.
Now im not being funny but with DS he would wake up and night I would look over at DH and he was snoring his bloody head off.
But apparently he's not as much of a deep sleeper as he was when he was younger.

I may of brought up another couple of points but I think I have rabbited on for long enough
The one thing that has sort of given me hope is the "another couple of year wont hurt"
But even then its another couple of years and im broody now !!

OP posts:
bumpsnowjustplump · 23/06/2010 21:24

keep at it ponty.. the fact he said dunno and not no is good.. I have only ever got "No way" or more recently "OK if we win the lotto" so you are closer than I am.. I still nag him when ever I can good luck...

MumNWLondon · 23/06/2010 21:33

I think you just need to say, I feel really broody now. I can't think of anything else ATM. No other reasons. Ask him if you can take chances with contraception...

Swipe left for the next trending thread