to want dh to confront his dysfunctional family?

[silverfrog]

dh's family are fruitloops (and that is understating it!)

hisparents are toxic and abusive. his brothers are following in their footsteps.

we have had a few incidents overt he years (standard stuff - I am not good enough for dh (grew up on a council estate ), most of them think I am a gold diger (large ish age gap between us), both brothers prefer dh's ex wife to me (fine on a personal level - not so fine when it comes to excluding dh from family events because they prefer to invite his ex - NB, we have never specified "us or her"), the list oges on really.

we are in the middle of a ridiculous farcical row with PIL, going on for a while now, due to FILbeing abusive towards dh's son and daughter last year, and now refusing to apologise or acknowledge. dh's initial take on these things (they inevitably end up being about me not fittign in, or the fact that problems started after we were married (they didn't), or the fact that my presence at family events would make dh's ex uncomfortable, and well, "she was around first") is that he takesa huge stand - says to me (TOTALLY unprompted - it is not somehtign I owuld ever make him do) "if they want me to choose, then I will choose you and dds"

BUT then, time goes by, the odd phone call happens, he meets a brother for lunch or similar, and what actually happens, by default, is that they carry on their relationship, and just don't mention me.

it is now dh's older brother's birthday party next week - his 50th.

first I have heard of it is my dsd phoning just now to ask if we are going (I suspect she was put up to it by PIL, and also her mother (she pretty muchsaid as much). needless to say, e haven't been invited.

so, the rest of the family get ot play happy families - everyoen there, including ex-wife and what the family sees as the 2 "proper" grandchildren in dh's line (mine don't really count, apparently, as 2nd marriages don't realy count!) - everyone except dh.

he will be hurt by this. and I will have to listen to it for weeks again - how they have made him choose, etc etc, and how they are unhappy he won't toe the line and attend without me (has been suggested in the past).

BUT he won't actually confront them over it - he ends up going quiet for a while, and then slowly starting up the phonecalls/lunches again.

AIBU to be annoyed with this pattern? if it was me, I'd have had it out properly with my siblings/arentsby now.

Gotw, do you have experience of toxic families?

I am just asking because normal rules very much do not apply when dealing with parents with possible personality disorders.
Wrt your dh's siblings, i still have contact with mine, very much so, i just choose not to hear/discuss things that realte to my father. I cannot change him, all i can do is change how i react to him for my own sanity. Your dh will have had years of this and it takes a lot to realise that it isn't normal. In your case you also have the dsc's which makes it so much harder.
There are a few books on toxic families around, i am hoping someone who knows a bit more than myself will be ableto come and recommend something for you to read and /or do to help you decidewhat to do! I am not great at helping other peoplewith this as my own experience clouds it somewhat!

Bums, posted too soon.
what i would suggest is to postthis op in relationships, a lot of people who would be able to help you better don't come into aibu!

hmm, I can see what you are saying, qualitytime.

dh does see that it is not normal, adn is pissed off about it. he does recognise that his parents are abusive and manipulative, but he is scared of cutting them off and then feeling guilty when they get (inevitably) older and frailer. they are good at guilt.

there is a large part of me that does not understand how he can continue relationships with, eg his brothers. sweeping sentiments like "you shouldn't have got married again. and certainly not had more children - that is inappropriate" under the carpet is not something I could do. it just feels like the whole relationships are so false. he doesn't want ot lose his idea of his family, that I can understand. but to accept (and I don't mean agree when I say accept) that they will be this way, and have these thoughts, and carry on talking to them - I don't get it

Ok, sorry, you do get it then! It's hard to explain to people who haven't been there and have lovely parents though.
tbh i don't understand people who don't cut their toxic family off, seems logical to me, but my siblings haven't and i have, it's veryoddto me, hence not being much use to you!
Really though, stick this in relatioships topic, you'll get a lot more helpful advice.

have this with dhs mother but in reverse he was the only child of first marriage and she treats us like crap we have cut all ties after her dd and dgd bullied dd2 for quite some time dh went down with printout of the cyber bullying dd2 had been subjected to by dgd [found out later sil told her what to write]and mil, sil and her dd still denied it was happening dd2 couldn't go out with out being verbally abused by the 2 of them the bus stop is next to their house and she would be out shouting the odds at her. She even had a warning from the police last year and that hasn't stopped her.DD2 is only just back to herself she was a wreck and only because of DH having it out as it been resolved .DD2 wont speak to her granny now and refers to her by her first name as she sent me a letter threatening her with the police if she didn't stop the bullying,she's no angel but she's not a bully to be honest we think mil just wanted an excuse as she has never accepted ds because he has asd and lots of other problems.