To not bother faking enthusiasm

[fernie3]

My husband and I are are both self employed, he has been suffering from depression which is the main reason I work with him - he just cant organize anything I basically have to give him a task (he is a web developer) wait for him to finish it and give him another one otherwise he gets overwhelmed and goes to sleep. We also have 3 children, with a 4th coming in a few weeks, and due to his depression and desire to live closer to family (he believes they will help us - Im not so sure but dont mind moving as we have no reason to stay where we are).

In the day he sits and wastes time, there is nothing to distract him any more than there is at night and yet he totally fails to do the work for whatever reason - his favourite is napping even when he has slept all night. The last few days he hasnt done anything in the day but has been up all night, he has done work but I suspect not all night as it really shouldn't have taken 12 hours +.

He comes bounding in this morning because he has finished the job he had (which is now over a week after the deadline btw). normally I try and be enthusiastic about it because its not often he is like that but I cant bring myself to today and I am getting bored of faking it.

I was in hospital overnight 2 days ago (came home yesterday) because I went to the out of hours doctor feeling unwell and ended up in maternity on an egc havign scan etc because my heart was going that fast and my blood pressure was so high - I think they actually thought I was about to have a heart attack (I am 26 this is not something I want to worry about for a good few years yet!). i am sure that all of this isnt helping.

I want him to work during the day because firstly it means that we actually do work together which will help us keep to the deadlines and secondly it will just be better for his general health to see sun every now and then.

Also it is very annoying to have alot to do but not be able to do it because someone is sleeping in the day and working (in the house) at night, I am organizing a long distance house move in the next few weeks, organizing the business, organizing the children and trying to sort things out for the baby (we got rid of our things from the last baby as we thought she was the last).

My husband seems upset that I have "woken up grumpy" but I think he is being unreasonable with all he is expecting me to do.

so many typing/spelling mistakes I cant even begin to correct them - sorry.

YANBU

He needs "The Talk".!

Is he on meds for depression and if so, how long has he been on them. When I took them, they cocked up my sleep patterns for a few weeks, but that's all.

Is he on medication yet? how long has he suffered from depression?

sounds like you have it all to do with little help - can you not ask some relatives to step in and help with childcare so that you can both work on projects together?

he is not on any now he was on them, but had to come off them and now he has been telling the doctor he feels "great" which I am sure he does but only if he behaves in an unreasonable way - try and get him to behave in a "normal" way and all of a sudden the world isnt so rosy.

You know you're not being unreasonable here, don't you. What IS your DH thinking?

Shifting waking/ sleeping patterns is part of some pathologies and perhaps he should go to the GP to work out why he is like this - it's not good for his longterm health (never mind yours!)

Get him to go to the GP - find out why he has these pattern shifts and maybe address the depression better.

Why are you doing everything?
He needs to be more involved in the house moving and the kids
how will he cope when you're with the baby all the time up all night feeding etc
and what happened to your maternity leave
sounds like it would be better for him to get a 9-5 job outside the home but easier said than done

oops, x-posted, sorry. He needs to tell the GP that his sleep patterns have shifted - everything is NOT great if he is awake all night and sleepy all day.

ok now he has gone out to buy me breakfast - not sure whats going on, cant wait to move so at least there will be people around to see his behaviour, maybe if more people point it out he will start to see that its not normal.

I think you are a strong woman to have held everything together for so long. God knows i would have lamped him ages ago.

There is being depressed and there is using something as an excuse not to engage in the real world. I know everyone deals with things differently, but I have battled crippling depression for a number of years now. No way do I just lay down and expect everyone else to carry on for me.

It seems doubly unfair, as he is not on any meds now, and is telling the dr that everything is rosy, when in actual fact at home he can't cope with anything. So, is he still feeling grim and lying to the dr, or is he feeling OK and pulling the wool over your eyes.

Whatever, you are bearing the brunt of everything and it simply isn't on. Is there any way you can go to the dr together, and you say how he is at home?

Agree with the job - it seems ludicrous that you have to spoon feed him work/jobs. Would it be better to get him to work outside the home? Seems at the moment you are doing his job for him.

YANBU!!!! he is about as much help as a bloody chocolate teapot

sounds like he is using his "depression" as an excuse to do exatly what he wants, dont stand for it, he needs to pull his finger out BIG TIME

how can you cope with all of this alone??? family, work, pregnancy...I feel for you and think he need a massive kick up the butt

GetOrfMoiLand he did have a good job, he quit. Thats why we started as self employed it was either that or go on benefits or try and survive on any income I would get which would be pretty much minimum wage.

I went to the doctor with him about 8 or 9 months ago and told the doctor that he wasnt ok but ended up looking like I was lying because he was there grinning saying how well things were going.I really dont know why he is so afraid of the medication apart from the fact he did get quite ill last time (went bright yellow etc) and maybe he just doesnt want to risk it again.

I am starting to think I was just seeing problems that are there I am glad its not just me thinking it odd!.

Ok - have done a quick google re sleep pattern reversal - depends to some extent how recent this is or whether he's always been like this, but so far it has been linked with Depression (which he has), dementia, kidney function problems, liver function problems and bipolar disorder. Your GP needs to know about it.

So are you basically running the business, looking after 3 kids, pregnant with a 4th, running the house and organising a long distance move all at the same time?

No wonder you ended up in hospital!!

Depression is a health issue and it needs to be handled sensitively, yes, but also openly. If your husband doesn't want to take medication, maybe he'd be open to counselling or cognitive/behavioural therapy? The latter often involves 'signing a contract' in which the person in question commits to doing things like getting exercise, not napping during the day etc etc.

It sounds like this is a conversation you need to tactfully have with him - pointing out just how much you have on your plate in order to compensate for his mental state and how his illness is affecting your home life, your business and your relationship as well.

It'll be difficult for him to hear but YANBU and the sooner you try and deal with the root of the problem the sooner you will hopefully be able to find some solutions to make things a bit more bearable.

do you keep some sort of diary? something to read back so you KNOW you didnt imagine it? might be an idea.....

how far along with the moving plans are you?

thumbwitch he does have liver problems he has had abnormal results in every blood test he has had in the last year, he had a scan which they said it looked ok but he wont go back to the doctors now.

He spoke to his mum about 2 weeks ago about things for the first time and ended up having to give me the phone to talk as he was so upset. Thats how the move came about, his mum is basically funding it for us and found us a gorgeous house, so that we will be near - when we get there I am hoping she will be able to drag up up to the doctors as I certainly cant failing that he has 4 older brothers and an older sister (he is 15 years younger than the next youngest!) who may be able to help him see sense.

I have pretty much given up on doing all of it on my own and I know that he isnt in a state to just get up better one day. Ive gone off the point of AIBU havent I lol.

ThreeBlondeBoys we have only just put the application in on the house but it is rented and so we are hoping to move in the next month.

It doesn't matter - I think you have more serious problems on your hand. Your DH has liver problems that he is refusing to get seen to - he must get them seen to - it could be something relatively simple that can be fixed but if it's left, it could become quite serious! MAKE him go - tell his mother if she doesn't already know and he won't listen to you, employ any strategy you can to get him to face up to this.

In fact, I think perhaps you are best off not keeping up this self-employed situation - I know it will be next to impossible for you to get a decent job in a new area with a brand new baby and other DC but you might have to look at it - or he will have to get a job that isn't too stressful for him but does bring in some money.

Sorry, I don't think I've ever been so concerned about someone else's health on here before

thumbwitch I did call the doctors after the scan to try and find out what was going on but obviously they wont discuss it with me only him.
Before I got pregnant I was applying for jobs etc because I was worried about this happening I applied for ALOT and didnt get any of them (I am a SAHM with a degree but no work experience - people are not falling over themselves to give me a job lol).

At this point as well he is actually very goiod with the children but I would be worried about leaving them with him all day - the older ones not so much but the babies (the yougest will both be under 18 months).
not sure how childcare element of tax credits works if one parent is at home but not able to look after the children? It is something I will have tolook into though