to push him into doing something he doesn't want to?

[burnthedummy]

My MIL is an alcoholic. Has been for many many years. All the years I have known DH she has been struggling with this disease. She is seriously sick now. she is having seizures, her organs are failing....she is dying.

All the family are devastated. They can literally do no more to help her. Everything has been looked into and tried...We are watching her slowly kill herself.

DH has never had a conversation with her about her drinking. Both his sisters have (she is not talking to either of them), FIL has, her sisters, friends have all tried...except DH. He is the eldest, only boy and has had a really hard time accepting the fact that she is an alcoholic. I really believe that she is going to die soon. I also believe that he is going to have to live with the fast that he didn't say anything, try to help, confront her, her drinking etc etc. I don't think that anything he says will have the slightest impact at this stage but he is going to have to l,ive with the fact that it might have so, for himself and for his sisters who are quite resentful that they are baring the brunt of all this while he is sticking his head in the sand...should I push him to confront her?

What? No. I don't really understand your point. I seriously doubt anything he could have said would've made any difference. It's a matter between him and his mother. I don't really see how it's any of your business

I don't know about pushing him, but have you told him what you've written here, i.e. the reasons you think he should have the conversation with her?

You cant really help an alcoholic only they can help themselves - they drive everyone who tries to help them away.

It could well be that if some time ago your dh had confronted her things could have been very much worse.

You cant change the past and you can only make decisions on what is right at that time.

Just be there for your dh when the time comes - death is a very hard thing and even more so a self inflicted one.

As you say, confrontation etc won't make the slightest difference to MIL. MIL is making her own choice about her own life as is her right. Your DH is choosing not to get involved with that side of her life, as is his right. He won't have to live with the fact that any confrontation "might" have made a difference because any confrontation won't make a difference. MIL will stop drinking if/when she chooses to and for her own reasons.

He might not be dealing with this in the way that you would but that doesn't make his way wrong.

No point beating about the bush here.

.so,sorry..

.but...

there is no point in him talking to her about her drinking if she is already dying..If she is not talking to his sisters now maybe she would stop talking to him too...then that would make him hurt even more when she passes away.

Baring the brunt of what? What exactly do the sisters want your dh to do?

What good will it do to confront her now? She is dying.

Maybe dh (and the other siblings) need to accept she has chosen this life, and chosen not to get help - and then relate to her on that basis. Accept her for who she is, and how she has lived her life. If she is so ill, she can't 'fix' it now.

If they want to have a heart to heart, maybe ask her to talk about her life - the happy times, the things she wishes she had done differently, etc. Get her to reminisce. Just listen.

Talk to her. Don't lambast her. It is far too late for that.

His sisters want him to support them I think. I think that you are right...I want to try and fix something...or just do something about it when nothing can be done. I don't want SIL to blame DH after she has gone ("she always listened to you, and you didn't even try") and I don't want him to carry that around with him.

Look - it sounds as if it is too late. She has lived her life and systematically wrecked her health.

Families of alcoholics always hope that the drinker will one day come to their senses, sober up and begin living the life they could have had all along. It is incredibly hard to accept that, for many people, that will never happen. It is a gigantic waste of a life, and a huge source of suffering for those who love(d) the drinker.

But, don't berate her now. She obviously just couldn't do what everyone wanted her to.

I think your husband, having finally accepted that his mother is an alcoholic, has also rationalised that nothing he can do or say will change the outcome. Others (like his sisters) will keep flogging a dead horse because they are the optimistic sort that believe people can change.

Having experienced a family where the parent was alcoholic they also divided into two camps. Those that thought 'love' meant respecting their father enough to leave him to his own fate and those that thought that 'love' meant they should never give up trying to help. It created a huge amount of resentment

You're not being unreasonable to think the way you do because I suspect that's how you'd feel in a similar situation. But you can't tell a grown man how to feel or behave. He has to make that decision himself.

No you absolutely should not push him to confront her, that could do more damage than anything, and cause problems between you two.

it's up to him how he deals with it, not you.