to suspect my mother is lying to me and herself

[SloanyPony]

Bit of background. My mother has always been overweight - not morbidly obese or anything but about a Size 18 with pretty poor body composition (she's about 50% fat which is pretty unhealthy). She has always been desperately unhappy about her weight but in the 30+ years I have known her, she has never had any true and lasting success in losing the weight and keeping it off.

She is the kind of person who is always starting a new diet or starting again on Monday and will always talk about dieting and always make little disclaimers when she eats something she "shouldn't" - example, she drove me made during a recent visit when I'd offer her a biscuit - rather than "yes please" or "no thank you" like most people she'd launch into a huge disclaimer about how she doesn't usually buy biscuits and how she doesn't have them in the house and how it wouldn't even occur to her to have one, etc etc so I'd put the tin away assuming she meant no and then she'd say "oh but I'll have one just to be sociable" (fine - have one - but for gods sake enjoy it!)

She has always maintained that its her "metabolism" that causes her to be obese and I'd imagine that whilst she doesn't "get away" with what some people do (we all have a slim friend who appears to eat whatever they want and not have to worry) I am not convinced there is anything terribly unusual about her metabolic rate. She's 65, it will be slower than it was, but her hair and nails grow at the rate of knots (apparently a good sign of a well functioning metabolism), she has no thyroid problems.

But I know she can lose weight at a good rate if she's consistent, as last year when she was staying with me, she embarked on a fairly strict regime which I had sucess with in shifting my baby weight. It was my house, and my kitchen, and I was providing the food, so there wasn't really any scope for cheating. She was climing the walls but she stuck with it and did quite well for the duration of her visit which was several weeks. So I know she can lose the weight and that there's not anything wrong with her metabolism - her weekly losses were only marginally less than mine, and I'm 30 years younger.

I've caught her out lying about things on countless occasions. Often quite small things that nobody gives a damn about anyway, not things where she's been backed into a corner, its like she lives in her own little fantasy world. So I can't help thinking that when it comes to dieting, food, and general habits, she's not doing the things she should if she wants to lose weight and then maintain it, and she's been lying about it so long she's starting to believe her own bullshit.

AIBU to just opt out of these discussions? I have tried supporting her but in doing so she seems to think I should have the answers when she inevitably comes off the diet and regains any weight she lost. Its starting to blight any time we spend together - constant talk about diets, food, ridiculous statements being made on her behalf. AIBU for wanting to tell her to stand on her own two feet and reap what she sows, and to leave me out of it, or should I try and continue actively supporting her? AIBU for wanting to give up and opt out?

YANBU, but she probably sees you as a person whe can discuss her weight with...after all you have dieted together in the past. And nobody else is interested.

Your mother is an adult and responsible for her own healt so YANBU but I fear she (and others won't feel the same way).

YANBU - there's little more irritating that someone who talks a good diet.

My mum's just the same. I don't know the answer I'm afraid and it drives me nuts. I'm now losing weight and she rambles on about herself but nothing happens. Oh hum!

You're damn right FPT - she's really only pretending to diet most the time.

Nothing wrong with being overweight, but if becoming that way isn't a choice, then staying that way certainly is, in most instances, and certainly in this one.

I am 66 size 18 and go to Weight Watchers.Since Feb I have lost 23 pounds.It is only by going every week as I am pretty weak willed-gimme cake,gimme chips,gimme chocolate!!
Could your mum do that?
having breast cancer focussed my mind-I wont die by default if I can help it.

My mum is the same. I just listen to her ramble on, and for me, I just find it quite sad that she is in self destruct mode and has been for over 50 years.

My mum does have health problems that are exacerbated by the weight though. She is classed as morbidly obese.

She wont do Weight Watchers - says it doesn't work for her. She did it quite successfully about 15 years ago, but fell off the wagon and never went back.

I honestly wonder sometimes if not having "dieting" as a hobby (say if she magically woke up thin one day) would leave a deep and very dark void for her...

Sounds like she has an unhealthy relationship with food. Food to her is either diet food = unappetising, tasteless, but 'virtuous' or 'naughty' food = sinful and delicious, also filling an emotional void.

Have been there for a few years.

My mother has been in that same place for 50+ years and has a range of illogical reasons why a healthy diet and exercise 'don't work.' My favourite is the 'your body doesn't benefit from exercise if you do it regularly.' I kid you not. Well, best not bother then, eh mum?

She also claims she has big and heavy bones. And of course a slow metabolism.

I feel for your mum though.

YANBU Just wanted to add my sympathies.

I've had MANY talks with my mum about her weight/over eating etc.

Do you think she might be behaving this way so you mother her ? Perhaps by getting so involved, you're giving her attention that she's not getting from anywhere else ?

Perhaps next she comes out with one of her lines, (does she do it with a pious face like my DM?) just listen & then instead of indulging her with feedback, change the subject & talk about something completely different ?

God it irritates me. I know there is the odd person out there who does appear to put food away in huge quantities and get away wtih it.

But the majority of slim healthy people who have never had a weight problem tend to be the ones who naturally eat in moderation...they just stop when they've had enough. And if they eat fish and chips one day, perhaps they dont the next. If they have a big meal at lunch, they are less hungry at dinner.

Okay, so its not my mother's fault that she wasnt' born one of these people - that bit is blameless. Some people have larger appetites, some people grew up in a house where portion sizes were bigger, or food was a punishment, reward, separated into categories.

Somewhere along the way she has developed a very unhealthy attitude to food where she is either on a diet or off a diet. And when she's off, she overindulges, I've seen it with my own eyes. She nibbles and snacks and she'll even eat the crusts I've cut off my son's sandwich (I dont do that anymore by the way).

Its the constant disclaimers though that get me when I'm with her. "I'm going to have a handful of nuts, I haven't had anything since 11am and I was up at 6". Apart from the banana, the biscuit, the cappucino, and the 3 Lindt balls, you mean. So she then eats a bag of cashews. Then has dinner. And desert. "We dont normally have desert - goodness I can't remember the last time we had a desert." Um, well actually, you had desert with your lunch...

That's good advice, Lovingthesun. That's kind of what I mean by opting out really - I dont suppose I was going to sit her down and tell her not to mention it anymore - it was more of a not "feeding" the conversation if that makes sense.

So over it. Sorry, this has turned into a bit of a rant but I've just spent a few weeks with her and now her new diet is in full swing I'm being bombarded with emails and I know in a few weeks its going to fizzle out and I really wish she'd just stick with it...

Sounds a bit like normal behaviour for those with weight problems. Haven't you seen Marjorie Daws on Little Britain?

yanbu. I think you need to develop "healthy detachment" here. You can't alter her very irritating habit of muttering about food/weight/diet, neither can you relieve her of the eating disorder she appears to have. Same with the small lies. You're painting a picture of an insecure, frightened woman - which is sad, but beyond your powers to fix.

So nod, smile, and practise letting her remarks go in one ear & out the other No harm done.

she's completely lying to herself, as In my experience, a lot of overweight and obese people do.

50% fat counts as morbidly obese, I think.

YANBU - I had similar problems with my mother and her weight issues. I tried to help her with them, especially after the dietitian gave up on her, but was always met with stonewalling reasons why she couldn't possibly do without x,y or z - and nearly always ended with "well I could be hit by a bus tomorrow so I might as well enjoy myself now", a truly abhorrent attitude, which my sis has also adopted.

I tried so so hard to walk away from it, and not to get sucked in, not to talk about it with her - but in the end I couldn't stop because I cared about her and I feared for her health (with good reason as it turned out )

I have given up with my sis because she knows what can happen and still won't address the situation - because she could get hit by a bus tomorrow so why deny herself her "treats" that make her life bearable?

If she really thinks she has a low metabolic rate then she should get it checked out. I was not loosing weight despite eating what I thought was low cal / healthy. Kept food diary and on presenting this I was tested as all looked very good ( I also confessed to the bad stuff). I had bloods etc and all came back ok.
I did have a very slow rate and I was put on a food plan eating 2000 cals a day . The weight is now coming off I will be dropping to 1800 in the summer months. Its a great diet as I eat lots ...I wasn't loosing weight as my body was so used to roughly 1200 a day that it sat there.
It does sound to me that your mum is a bit full of excuses ...I wonder if she feels insecure about it and wishes it off but until she realises that wishing it away won't work then it sounds like she will be stuck with it and so will you !