to be scared to let DS out of his cotton wool

[tholeon]

Hello. Am new to this so be gentle! Have a 12 month old. IVF baby, spent years ttc before he came along. No siblings. Always wanted to have kids more than anything else. Was careful with him when he was a newborn, due to swine flu scare, then began to relax and take him out and about more at 3/4 months, figuring I couldn't be neurotic forever. He caught his first ever illness, a bug which to most healthy adults would have been nothing more than a bad cold. He ended up in intensive care, on a ventilator for 8 days. Turns out he had a rare birth defect, which is why he got so ill with it. He then had to have an operation to correct the defect - 6 weeks in hospital in total. He has been at home with me ever since he came out, and we've been avoiding other kids/ ill people/ I put gel on his hands after we go to the swings...etc..He hasn't caught anything else, and has been very well. Now the doctors think that he should be ok with the next bug, or at least a lot better than the last time. My extensive Googling of his condition confirms this. But I'm still really scared about taking him out to toddler groups etc because I know he'll definitely pick something up there. And i won't relax when a kid coughs on him, and all the other mums will think I'm paranoid and mad. But I do miss adult company (DH works long hours), and I think amusing him at home is going to get harder as he turns into a toddler. Time to bite the bullet? How do I get over being so scared??

hmmm...well i would start with a small toddler group i think.....and build up to longer outings as you gain confidence

Id befriend a couple of mums at the park first and ask them to yours for coffee and for the dc to play - gradual introduction might be better.

If you go to a toddleer group,pop in a bit later and stay for 45 mins or so etc etc.

When we had ds1 he was in scbu and only expected to live a few hours - fortunately hes fine and hes now 16 but I was very OTT about cleanliness and germs and hated other people breathing near him ...the health visitor told me that to sterile an environment was harmful to him.

I agree with nickschick - what you have been through with him sounds horrible, and I fully understand why you are so nervous. However, he needs to build up immunity because he will meet other children/people his entire life and it's possible that he will end up being MORE ill long term without getting exposed to some things now. I don't mean deliberately exposing him to ill children, but normal interaction with the inherent risks of possible infection that might carry. Just imagine what it would be like if he has to go off to school and has never really caught any bugs! Not to mention that it is also probably a good thing for him to learn to play with other children from the social side of things.

Do you know any other mums and babies? Maybe from NCT or from meeting them in the park etc? Having a small group of parents/children that you know and meet regularly is probably the best way of easing yourself into this without it seeming too threatening and a good way for you to build up friendships too.

some children are quite , well sickly really, and pick up every bug imagineable. at pre-school, school, etc. what can you do ? many people believe that exposing them to a bit of mud and germs actually builds up their defences. but really there is no way round this, is there ?
hope you feel brave, maybe startign with something small, as others have said. it would be a shame to deprive him, wouldn't it ?

You poor thing, you have been through so much. But everyone on here is right, you do need to get out and about, and your little one does need to be exposed to some germs, but slowly and with little groups.

The problem is I'm guessing you haven't actually had a chance to meet other mums in your area. Why don't you try either mumsnet local, or maybe some mums on here could suggest some groups in your area if you let us know roughly where you live. I know I tried a lot of groups in my areas before I found a few I was comfortable with with my DS. (A few I walked out of as soon as I could without seeming too rude, but I just knew I couldn't stay there!!!)

Sounds like you have had a very difficult and stressful time, and for that you are not BU for being so worried. But you will make it hard on both of you if you don't go out and meet other people. Take it slowly, go to a small group or something first. Good luck - I can't imagine how hard it must feel.

thanks ladies. Am thinking now I have nice new virtual social life, maybe I don't need real time one so much? Do they do virtual toddler groups?? Seriously, I do have an NCT group of ladies I got on with, & I think they do understand why I've not joined in a lot of stuff they do together still. Was just interested in others honest opinion as to whether I needed to pull myself together and get over stuff (has been nearly 7 months since he left hospital...) And at what age do you all think babies/ toddlers start really benefiting from each others company? Am in Surrey, btw, near Kingston.

Can you possibly start with some structured groups? I take my two to a place called The Little Gym and it's lovely.

it's very physical and teaches them new skills (and how to interact with other kids) but in a veyr friendly / structured way (in that... not like a soft play area or playgroup, you will know the other mums and children)

I can't recommend them highly enough.

Another option would be swimming... that way, you stay with your baby (obviously, cos they can't swim) but get to meet some other adults with babies your age.

or Pushy mothers... where you exercise while your tot is in the pram / buggy... that might work for you.

take it easy on yourself and look around for groups that allow your toddler a little freedom / gives you the interaction with other parents while keeping you in control of how far that interaction goes.

HM x

tbh tholeon at his age it is more to do with you benefiting/needing the company rather than him (imo)

It is easy for the months to drift by and for you to find you might feel a bit down due to isolating yourself. Only you know if you are a person who loves your own company/solitude or if you need to be with other people. (and you do mention in your op that you miss adult company)

If you are in the latter category, then even if you don't take him to groups, you ought to consider going out and about a bit more.Toddler groups/soft play etc may not be your thing, but perhaps spend a bit more time (even if only one to one) with your NCT friends?

Hi tholeon, I do feel for you, you've been through a lot.

I have a 4 year old about to start school, am just adopting a 10 month old, and also live near Kingston. If you'd like to try a coffee one day with someone who will completely understand you neurotically spraying antiseptic spray over every surface, do get in touch

thanks guys. I do like being with him all the time, always liked baby/ childcare, but also adult company. Would probably have loved toddler groups under normal circs!

Hester that's a nice idea. How do I get in touch with you direct?

Hi OP, in one of your earlier messages you asked about when they start benefiting from meeting other children... my DD is 13 months so not much older than your DS and I am lucky to have a small group of local "mum friends" so she gets to play with the same babies regularly. I think that she is now really starting to enjoy the interaction - she has always been fascinated by other babies and older children (which is pretty standard). She has just started to really play with the other babies - sharing (or not!) food and toys, chatting away to each other etc.

They all seem to be pleased to see each other now, in fact the other day at swimming her friend (who had bumped herself and was being held to one side) pointed to my DD, shouted her name and demanded to go back and carry on swimming with her! She is a couple of months older than my DD, but it just shows that they are starting to genuinely enjoy each other's company now. So this is probably a good time to get your DS out and about. Given the doctors opinion and the research that you have done, it does seem that the benefits (for both of you) will outweigh the risks.

tholeon, I think you just click on 'contact poster' beside my name.

Whenever you're ready; I'm not going anywhere

You are not being unreasonable at all - you and he have been through a really tough time.

I'm in a similar boat - DS (now 18 weeks) was IVF and I had a dreadful pregnancy with pre eclampsia and IUGR and he had to come out at 35 weeks and spent 2 weeks in SCBU. Doesn't seem to have had any lasting ill effects but the effort it took to get him here etc. has made me very wary about going places where he could catch anything.

I'm ok with small groups - see a group of about 5 NCT mums regularly but pulled out of big postnatal group run by local health authority as had a major freakout when I heard one baby had been exposed to chickenpox.

Sorry that was a bit me-me-me but just wanted to say that you aren't alone!

Hope you do meet up with Hester - it will do you good to have a bit of company locally.

I wouldn't personally take him swimming just yet as the What to Expect - The First Year book says that there's risk of middle ear infection and water intoxication but then again that's probably me being a paranoid nutbag.

I had a very premature baby who was fine apart from a susceptibility to infections (colds etc) and ended up in hospital with something called bronchiolitis at a year old. could be just coincidence, but I never felt the need to coddle her and she spent her first few years being exposed to the elements and to other children; I'm convinced that this has turned her into the strong child she now is.

Hi again,

Biryani what DS has was bronciolitis - quite common in babyhood, apparently, but most are just a little sick at home, not in intensive care! Still, he is bigger than he was and most importantly the birth defect has been corrected (for anyone medically knowledgable, he had a vascular ring, where his aorta was squashing his trachea...)

Thanks Bearcrumble. Congrats on your DS, but sorry you both had a tough start too. I do think that the IVF/ sick child combo is a bad double whammy to deal with. On the upside I am always grateful for him, and it puts the sleepless nights/ sometime endless monotony of putting shapes in holes etc for hours on end into perspective. Am sorry you don't live near me otherwise we could go on sanitized dates together!

Hester ah that would be it. I'd love to meet up. We haven't been avoiding all human contact altogether, just groups of small people and those with colds. But it would be good to know another local mum who understands my neurotiscm. Congrats on your adoption btw, I'd love to hear all about it. We are off to stay with my sister next week but I'll contact you on my return.
I think July is a good time to start getting out more too, less scary than winter.

thanks again all for thoughts