aibu to not want to make the decision myself?

[notremotelyintofootie]

ok, short background... Dh has 15 dd, i have 11 ds, we married 3 years ago and we have a beautiful 7 month old dd.

Dh works fulltime, not great wage but wonderful job. I am halfway through a fully funded ft phd so basically another fulltime wage and i came off maternity leave 2 and a half months ago. We rent and happen to live in the most expensive city outside of London (not much we can do about that and council waiting for us would be 10+ years...).

Before we had dd we both agreed that if we had a baby we would have another soon after so that they had each other as their siblings are alot older and i know what that was like growing up although i was the oldest by 8 years...

When i got pregnant dh insisted we could do childcare between us rather than use a paid method (no family nearby to help) especually as i can be flexible about the time i work, as long as its 35 hours a week...this is slowly starting to work....

We had agreed to discuss the additional baby thing in the summer so dh brought it up but said that he wasnt sure about it, he loves dd so much but is worried about us coping etc so i said ok, if you dont want another then thats fine, i'd rather we both wanted it and tbh i'm not desperate for another, would be nice but not desperate...

Dh then declared that he would 'give me another baby' if i agreed to give up work completely to look after them for 2-3 years!

Now, i dont think we can afford this and a big part of me doesnt want to give up my phd, dh would want to do this before i'm due to finish, and yet i dont want to regret not having another or depriving dd of a sibling close in age! I'm 38 later this year and both my births were emcs...

Aibu to not want to have to decide this myself?

I don't really understand your question. Your dh has decided. He has decided yes, but only if you give up work.

fwiw, if you want another then you need to work out whether you're willing to give up work.

And if you dont want to give up work, you need to go back to the drawing bosard to see if an other options are possible

I dont think YABU but having more DC'S is a decision for both of you. I find it strange that he wants another but only under the terms that you become a SAHM.
I would personally resent being told you can have another but only if.....
Its a hard one.

Sorry not much help really.

Well it would be hard both working full time with two little ones so he's being sensible
it depends how much you want another baby really
I wanted mine more than dh so often one is more up for it in the beginning than the other
maybe you can see a way of still working fulltme with a new baby and convey how it will work to him if that's what you really want?

Maybe he is worried about looking after two young babies on his own which is why he wants you around all the time

Fully-funded phds must be like hens' teeth. I would not advise giving it up.

i dont necessarily want to work fulltime, am happy to work part time and could do so from home, but.....

1. i dont think we can afford for me to go part time
2. he wants dsd to move in with us and have my study/office as her room, this is fine once phd done but it means i wont be able to work from home... Other option is we have dd and new baby in our bedroom and i use the office to work from home and bring in an income around the dc's needs...

I dont want to have the sole responsibility to say nay or yay to another child and feel agrieved that dh has put this onto me i guess....

I would be very reluctant to go into a second pregnancy on these terms, and rather pissed off tbh that my partner seemed to have so little respect for my studying.

your phD is being fully funded..

I would suggest you complete it. A few years between dc is not the end of the world. IF you are not reasonably sure you want another baby now, I would put the question on the back burner for a bit. You probably still have a bit of time if you change your mind later and really do want to have another.

I think I remember you posting before actually. You were trying to persuade him to help fund childcare? Can that not be done on two salaries? That said, I think it would be hard enough to do a 100,000 word thesis or similar with even one baby, let alone two.

How much longer will your phd take to complete ? Your DD is only 7 months ,so a gap of 2 or 3 years wont seem like that much in years to come ,why not say you will try for another when you have six months left on your phd ,38 really isnt that old you know

all being well i am aiming to complete end dec 2011, poss easter 2012 but funding ends end dec 2011... I would be 39 and dh would be almost 42 so not so old but as you say fertility may be an issue...DD would be 2 so good gap....

One option i guess is to start trying next summer so would finish phd/viva while pregnant but tbh i'd be worried about the stress...

And dh wouldnt be doing all the childcare, at present he does about a third due to his shift patterns, i do the rest and all the night wakings and i breast feed etc... He is a great dad, not so thoughtful a dh at times but generally good!
I also do all the driving as dh cant drive so after cs we are car-free for 6 weeks...

not that long to go. Tbh I would finish but you have to know your own heart and how much you want another baby etc