To be upset with nursery over this?

[ElusiveMoose]

This really is a genuine AIBU question, because I'm totally new to the whole nursery experience, and I really don't know what my expectations should be.

So... I have a DS of 2.9 who's a very sensitive soul, and I started him at nursery/pre-school a couple of weeks ago (two mornings a week). The first time we took him we tried to leave him, but he was so distraught that I ended up staying with him for the next few sessions. This week for the first time I left for most of the session on both mornings (about two hours each time).

Both times I left him he was very upset when I went, and I think got upset again a couple of times while I was away - though he also seemed to enjoy himself a bit as well, as they took some photos of him playing to reassure me.

Anyway, this last session, I phoned once to check he'd settled, and they said he had. Then a bit later I phoned again (for an irrelevant reason). I said to the girl in the office that, while I was on the phone, could she just see how DS was doing. She went out into the main room and took the phone with her. I could hear a little voice saying 'Mummy, mummy' and knew it was DS. He wasn't crying, but was using his little miserable voice. I asked her what he was doing, and she said he was sitting on his own looking out of the window. I had this sudden image of him just sitting there all sad, and looking out of the window waiting for mummy to come back. I asked (slightly sharply) if he was all on his own in the room, and she said no, there were lots of activities going on, but he looked a bit overwhelmed and didn't want to be joining in with anything at the moment. She said she thought he needed a bit of extra attention, so she would ask one of the girls to do something special with him one-to-one.

To her credit, she then phoned back 2 mins later (she hadn't said she would) to say that he was now making a fathers' day card with one of the helpers, and she took the phone nearby so I could hear that he was happily engaged (which he was). However, I'm still quite upset by the thought that if I hadn't phoned, he could have just been sat there on his own and upset for ages.

So, AIBU? My DH (who's a teacher) says I can't expect the helpers to give DS one-on-one attention all the time, which I do accept. But at the same time, given he's so new and had a pretty tricky start, surely they should have noticed that he was sad and in need of attention without it taking a phone call from me?

Sounds like they were monitoring the situation well and even if you hadn't phoned he would have been encouraged to join in or have a bit more attention from the staff.

You will have to accept that they know their job and if you had any doubt about their ability to look after your son, then you would not have placed him in the nursery.

I can understand why you are upset, but he may have only been there for a minute between activities. It really doesn't necessarily mean he's being ignored.

I would see how he goes for a few more sessions - you may find that once he finds either an activity he loves or a special friend that he gets really excited about going. Can you invite any of the children to play at your house to help him make friends with them?

I know people will come back and say 'they don't make friends at this age', but that's not my experience. Also, my friends little boy wouldn't settle at all until he found a little friend and now he is a tad upset when it's not a nursery day!!

Another friends little girl wouldn't settle until she realised she could 'paint & glitter' every day

YABU. I don't think they would have let him "[sit] there on his own and upset for ages"; he had probably just sat down there and no one had noticed until right that second. Doesn't mean they wouldn't have noticed if you hadn't called. His start isn't really tricky, to be honest, its normal. Remember if you are feeling anxious (which you obviously are) he will pick up on it. Your DH is spot on.

Chill out

they sound nice, and hopefully he will settle in more, he is still new there..
mine are not in nursery yet, so no experience of it but i think yanbu to worry, yabu to be upset with them though. im sure they wouldnt really just leave him sat there all the time

YABU for all the reasons already made. FWIW, my dd had a friend when she went to nursery. They didn't play with each other but made sure they stood or sat next to each other and hugged constantly.

Thank you! I'm actually very happy that you've basically all told me that I am being unreasonable - I'd much rather that than everyone saying no, it sounds like there's a real problem. I know I'm being very PFB about it all; I think it's true what they say, that it's probably much harder for me than for him (of the two of us, I'm sure I'm doing the more crying ). Thanks again .

They sound really professisonal and nice, to be honest. It's good that they are honest with you and are willing to ring you, give you updates etc. He will get lots of attention at nursery, even if it isn't dedicated one-to-one, so try not to worry. It is hard all round (on children and parents) when they first start nursery - it's a big adjustment - but he will settle in and enjoy it soon enough. Try to stay calm and not to fret too much.

I think these situations can be so much harder for parents than children. Maybe he picks up on your anxiety? As long as the nursery are keeping an eye on him I would try to step back just a little. Hope he enjoys himself (my son was a little withdrawn at nursery but still told me he enjoyed it) and you can start enjoying your time too x

Elusive- I think YANBU to be upset but YABU to be upset with the nursery.

Its normal to feel wretched about leaving child at a nursery for the first time and until you've seen him going and enjoying himself, witnessing their care and professionalism, its hard to accept that he will be safe and happy, even if you know he will be, IYSWIM.

I had similar issues when I left DD (much younger but principle is the same) - I happened across a few things that made me very upset and wary about it but most of that was probably caught up in my own anxieties and the things I saw were normal events, it was just unfortunate to seem them occur together. The nursery is AMAZING in their care, the girls are fab and while, I'd much rather look after DD myself, Im happy she is there while I work.

Good Luck, but be nice to yourself, its hard leaving the little ones.

I sympathise - I remember how hard it is the first time - you do have to build up your trust, and in that I think it's really positive that the staff member was really honest and matter-of-fact with you.

YABU. He had probably only been there for a minute and they would have encouraged him to join in even if you hadn't had phone. Also sometime new little ones want to be left alone for a while and just don't wont to join ij with anything. I know this as I used to be a Nursery Nurse.

YABU but totally understandably so, as people have said already. It's very early days yet. My DS was upset when he moved to his current room in nursery and took a few weeks to fully settle but loves it now and runs to his carers there when he arrives, loves playing etc. It is hard to know they are not yet used to it, but it will improve as he gets to know and trust the staff.