to want my mother to back off a bit?

[Irons]

I'm trying to organise my DD's first birthday. We've chosen to keep it small and low-key with a picnic in the garden with family and close friends. My mother on the otherhand has decided she wants to have a big birthday bash. She's listed to me everything she is organising, tons food she is making (including the birthday cake), and a special surprise at 3o'clock.

I've asked her nicely not to go overboard and I also suggested that it would be nice if she would ask me before she decides to do anything. Eg. she went out and bought paper cups, table clothes, plates etc. when I had already bought this. She thinks I am being unreasonable to expect her to ask me first and she just isn't getting the picture. I don't want to argue with her over this but I just can't seem to get through to her and it's upsetting me that I'm not really getting to do much for my DD's birthday party.

Please someone talk to me. Am I being silly to let this bug me or is it natural to want to be the organiser and planner of your child's first birthday?

YANBU You need to tell your mum firmly but politely that she needs to back off a bit. Something along the lines of "Mum, I know you love your grandaughter and are excited but I need you to respect my feelings and realise she's my daughter and I'll decide what sort of party she will have."

No YANBU - she had her turn when it was your first b'day, now it's your turn with your DD.

She's not being helpful, she's trying to organize a completely different event from the one you had in mind. A one year old doesn't require a huge do and would probably be totally overwhelmed. Your picnic sounds much more appropriate.

YANBU. Sounds like she means well but has gotten a bit carried away. Thank her but remind her gently that this is an important occasion for you as a new mum and you want to do things your way...as you are she also wanted when it was your first birthday.

YANBU but she does sound super excited in a nice (but imposing) kind of way. My parents are like this all the time, my DS is their only grandchild so I barely get a look in. Try and find a happy medium if you can -so she feels involved but you have the overall say about what happens.

YANBU. You nshould be allowed to organise your own child's first birthday. Heavens above. It is a major and exciting milestone.

Thank you everyone. I'm going to speak to her again today. I know she will get upset because that is what she is like but hopefully by the time the birthday comes round in 2 weeks time she'll be over it.

I do appreciate her help, I just felt like I'd like to be involved too!

I'll let you know what she says.

Good luck - hope your chat goes well. And enjoy the birthday!

YANBU

YANBU - I hope your chat goes okay; she sounds just a little overbearing at the moment...

Does she often interfere with things, or is this a first time?

YANBU

However, (and I know we can't run our entire lives by this!!), if something were to happen to your Mum in a months time and she was no longer around, would you regret not having let her organise it? Grandparents can get so excited by being grandparents that they can be intrustive/annoying/over the top. Sadly, recently, I have learned that I would do anything to have that back again.

I'm not saying you should let her rule your life, but maybe think about how much it means to her to do it/this type of thing and weight it up against how much you need to do it - just so that if anything were to happen to your Mum you wouldn't have any regrets.

I am sure you will all have a lovely day and let us know what the 3pm surise it - if it's an entire circus, please feel free to completely ignore my previous comments!!

Tottwriter - she often interferes and in fact when DD was born mum and I had a huge row because she wanted me to do things her way and commented on everything I did. However, after the huge row she backed off. She still tries her luck every now and then with a comment here and there.

However, what ChippingIn says is so true and I probably should have mentioned this. It's probably the reason I'm being such a pushover with her at the moment but she's just spent the last year fighting breast cancer.

Anyway, I didn't have the chat with her this morning. I'm not sure anything I say is going to stop her! So I wonder if it's worth the blowout. Perhaps I should just plan the picnic the way I want and whatever she does she does.

Could you ask her about your first birthday party and see how it compares?

Might throw up all sorts of stuff; maybe her mum took over and organised it so she is making up as she reckons she never had a go. Or maybe she wished that her mum had got involved and didn't so she wants you to have what she wanted for herself.

Or maybe she didn't have the resources or energy or all the commercial tat lovely stuff that's around now for kids parties that she has been itching to buy... Or maybe it is a chance to say yahboosucks to the cancer because she didn't think that she would make it to see her gd reach her first birthday. Who knows?

Hopefully she will gush about how great it was and how she did it just how she wanted - or knew just what she wanted and didn't get.

And that's when you can ask her to describe how that feels because at the moment you are not being allowed to organise your first birthday party for your daughter.

Re-reading this through it sounds like I am on your mum's side but actually I think YADNBU and this was more of an approach to get her to make her see that she was being unreasonable!

GOod luck and hope that you get the party you want for your dd!