to forbid DS from playing with a "friend" who hits him?

[awaywiththepixies]

My DS (who's 8) has always had difficulties keeping friends. Not difficulties making them in the first instance, just difficulties in keeping them. He's been friends with another young boy for several months now but as soon as a third party comes into the equation my DS ends up being abused in some way - this has included being kicked, punched, water being thrown over him. I started off just saying "well don't play with him again" but DS wants to play with him because his friends are thin on the ground but more recently I've started to tell him to hit back twice as hard if this sort of behaviour happens because I'm concerned that his failure to retaliate is making him a soft touch. After he came back home last week soaking wet, my inclination is to tell him he can't play with his "friend" because he's no "friend" if he acts like this. Torn between leaving DS to fight his own battles and fighting them for him 'cos I think kids can be evil little bastards.

I would separate him from this 'friend' - I've recently distanced myself from a mum friend whose son (nearly 4) repeatedly hits/shoves/is aggressive with my own DS (3). To my mind, his 'friend's' behaviour has moved on from normal toddler antics to little kid aggression (maybe cos the mum always tells MY DS to 'just say no thank you' when her son shoves MY son ).

At 8, I would say you are well over the 'they're just little kids' excuse or whathaveyou... this is now just mean behaviour, and as the saying goes, with friends like these, who needs enemies?!

14 hours speaks sense. I would avoid telling him to hit the other child twice as hard though. Tempting though it may be.

Your DS is being bullied. The classic good cop, bad cop routing where other kids draw him close, then physically abuse him, then act nice again. Who knows what they are doing to him psychologically.

This bully's parents need to know that their child is being violent and that it will stop, because they are going to make it stop. If they don't make it stop, threaten them with legal action. The long-term damage that can be done to your DS if this is not stopped immediately can be catastrophic.

And yes, tell DS to smack them back. Tell him to punch at the nose, yet to aim for a point a few inches behind the head. This makes for a good follow through and a one-punch fight the bully will never forget, and will be quite empowering for your DS. Help him practice with a balloon, cushions etc. Believe me, bullies are useless on their own. I notice you said this happens when a third party comes into the equation. Fucking cowards. Let them try it on one-on-one.

Actually laughing here at Snobear's Junior Fight Club instructions.

Three never play well together, do they.

This is plain bullying IMO

Let's not cross Snobear in any way....

If my dad had taught me how to stand up to bullies I probably would have finished high school rather than had to play truant every day to avoid the beatings.

Not to worry. I turned out OK without an education. Sometimes I imagine just how successful I may have been with one, though.

That bullying shite needs to be nipped in the bud for sure because it can put a person off school, or activities that the bully might be involved in. If teachers or parents are not doing anything about it, it can make a person feel like there are no authority figures to turn to, making all rules, laws and ideals of justice appear to be farce. I stick by my previous post, regardless of any humour it has provided.

I had friends who suffered more violence than me. Some of them rebelled against their teachers, parents and the law and continue to live a life of crime today. Others thankfully became very successful nerds, yet with continuing issues.

Regardless, to the OP, YANBU.

I agree, Snobear. I got systematically bullied by one year 10 girl when I was year 8. Telling the teacher did no good. One day I flipped and slapped her so hard it echoed round the playground. I thought I was in for the beating of my life but she didn't even look at me after that. Sad that that was the only way to deal with it but it was

Telling the teacher works well in infants, anything beyond that and kids need to stick up for themselves one way or another. It sounds as though this has been a recurring theme in your sons friendships, therefore i dont mean to sound harsh, but do you think he comes off as a bit weak? be it physically or emotionally? perhaps working on his confidence might help, to change this perseption, does he go to any clubs? do any sports? these seem to be common themes for boosting junior kids confidence, it may also give him a new branch of friendships, and certainly keep him entertained so he doesnt need the negative friendships he currently has. I would be wary of actually fobiding the friendship, this will lower his confidence telling him he doesnt know how to deal with 'friends' id make him too busy to play with the other kid until hes more confident at looking out for himself.

Sorry if this is something you already do, just a t thought.

I'd be wary both of the forbidding him to be friends with this boy route, and of the smacking him back route: whenever my mum tried to stop me being friends with people (once because they were picking on me (aged 11), once because we were 16 and went to the pub and she thought the friend (lovely, still my friend) was a bad influence. Not kidding.) it just made me all the more determined - as will be the case with your son, especially if he has an emotional need to be around this friend. And you don't want to turn him into a monster who solves his problems with his fists ... (though this is just my opinion, and I really do see the logic of snobear).

I would encourage them not to be friends and find ways not to allow them to socialise outside of school, and in the meantime talk to both the school and his parents and see what they can offer in terms of remedying this. You might find more support there than you're expecting. If not, one option might be to have him move class in September, and spend the summer going to clubs/doing social things with other children to build his confidence. Then he can have a fresh start.

Is there any way that you could encourage your son to do some martial art of some sort. This way he will be able to protect himself and also will give him a self confidence that might stop these children from seeing him as an easy target.

I think it is fairly common in this age group, almost as if they are trying to work out a pecking order. However children need to learn that this kind of behaviour is not acceptable and you don't treat people like that. I agree that a discussion with the school and the other childrens parents is a good place to start.

My son also complained of this behaviour however it turned out that he was just as bad!