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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to STILL be p!ssed off that DS was pushed over in the library...

50 replies

MrsCravendale · 16/06/2010 21:07

Went to rhyme time at library with friend, her DS (3) and my DS (2).
They were having a great time and afterwards went to play in kids area, looking at books together, playing on the toy fire engine.
Older kid appears (looked about 5/6) and stands grimly staring at our two playing. I notice him but ignore it. He then runs full speed at the fire engine and jumps in shoving both our DS's when he is trying to get in. I went over and asked him not to shove as the boys were playing but he could play too as there was plenty room. He was not interested in this and seemed to want to just push the boys.

We moved away from the fire engine to another area to do jigsaws and puzzles. The older boy follows. He is just staring at our boys and standing waiting for them to do whatever they are doing next and he jumps in and kicks the jigsaw pieces. Friends DS runs off crying. My friend is just watching rolling her eyes and tries to distract her DS. Older boy runs after him then stops and stares at him while friend tries to distract her DS.

I look around to see if older boy's parent/whoever is nearby. I can't see anyone who seems to be watching him or looking out for him.

I take my DS away to do something else. Older boy runs over and stands right next to me and DS staring. I ask him if he is looking for something to play with. There is no response as he just stares at my DS (who is now driving a small car along the floor and up onto a small chair). Older boy then begins to attempt to push over my DS so I get in between with some pathetic attempt to say "I don't like the way you are playing" so I am on my knee between older boy and DS when he then shoves me full force, I fall and DS is then given a full shove and he falls face first into the wheels on the buggy. I let out a shout as I thought DS was going to be hurt but luckily the buggy rolled back and he just got up, looked at the boy and carried on playing.

The older boy then ran off kicking over another child's lego tower and I saw a woman sitting on the floor reading a book who appeared to be with him. I was absolutely livid and filled with rage. I was about to head over to the woman and make a complete scene but then stopped for a moment thinking "Ok, we are in a library, other mums and toddlers are here who prob are in the same situation hoping they just leave and they prob don't want a scene".

I just made some remarks about what had happened loudly (how sad is that) and just left it. I was thinking that the woman with him may be his mum and maybe she is used to him acting like this and it would ruin her day if some other mum came ranting over.

On the other hand I am now so angry with myself for letting some older child push my DS over in the library and I didn't even say anythin to his mother. I let it happen. I am supposed to protect my child and I just let a 5 yo push him over.

Sriously, I prob ABU but I just wanted to post on here so I can get some perspective. I suspect this happens a lot but I don't know if I handled it very well.

My friends just kind of said it is best to let it go as no one was hurt and kids do stuff like this all the time. Yes, DS is PFB. I just am not sure how I should handle this kind of thing...

OP posts:
Alouiseg · 16/06/2010 21:12

You're not being unreasonable, I would have told his mother very loudly what he'd just done. Atrocious behaviour imo.

OrmRenewed · 16/06/2010 21:16

" I suspect this happens a lot but I don't know if I handled it very well.
"

Er...no it doesn't! I have never experienced anything like that in 13yrs of child rearing. I think you did all you could short of making a scene which would probably have acheived nothing apart from to embarrass you.

Poor you and poor DS.

twolittlemonkeys · 16/06/2010 21:16

YANBU to be annoyed about it, I like to think I'd have said something to the mother but sometimes I prefer to just not cause a scene, then kick myself later for not speaking up. Not excusing the behaviour, but I'm wondering if the boy didn't seem to respond to you or acknowledge you whether he had some kind of SN?

Morloth · 16/06/2010 21:16

I tell other kids off all the time if they are being snotbags. Just do it, use your Mummy voice and say "Stop it, go away if you can't play nicely". That is usually enough to freak 'em out.

LadyBiscuit · 16/06/2010 21:18
  1. don't beat yourself up - this kind of shit does happen all the time
  2. yes you could have said something to the mother but it would probably have ended up in a row between you and her

I am a big pussy frankly and go for the route of least confrontation. When I go to the library/one o'clock club and my DC get bullied by a bigger kid, I just leave. I can't be arsed with it. And I have to say that I have found libraries the very worst place for this kind of thing.

ps my way of handling it isn't probably the best but I think we all raise our children so differently that criticising another mother's parenting (which is in effect what you would be doing) goes down like cold sick.

But no, YANBU in the slightest - the first time it happened to my DS I was enraged. Now I'm just resigned sadly

misdee · 16/06/2010 21:19

yanbu, but he may have been a lot younger than 5/6. dd2, aged just 2, very tall her age (still is) was asked why she wasnt with the other reception kids.

KickButtowski · 16/06/2010 21:24

A couple of years ago I would have done exactly the same as you. Over time I have seen too many of these little thugs and have been known to ask said child where his mum is and take him back to her and say my piece, or else tell him off really loudly until their mum appears as if by magic.

I think it is incredibly generous of you to consider the thug's mum's feelings and also the other people who were in the library. Personally I now am inly interested in my own children's feelings and I am really big on showing them that bullies are not Ok and mummy will do something about it if necessary.

But to answer your question, YANBU to be annoyed with the boy and YANBU to have behaved in such a restrained and grown-up manner. But also YANBU with hindsight to have wish you had done more - maybe if it happens again you might be less sympathetic.

hocuspontas · 16/06/2010 21:24

Sad, but it may be his usual way of getting her attention

KickButtowski · 16/06/2010 21:28

Erm I feel I should point out that I am not actually a really aggressive person who picks fights with children and strangers all the time. I just really hate this type of behaviour and have seen my children get pushed about a lot, so this really hit a nerve with me.

(Wanders off growling "are you looking at me sonny?")

mumbar · 16/06/2010 21:31

YANBU. I'm actually quite that he pushed you too.

Perhaps the mum/carer was just sat there as she doesn't know how to deal with this behaviour. Perhaps if it happens again then going to her with the boy and saying he's being a bit rough and I'm offering him to play with me and DS would you both like to join in then he may feel more comfortable. She might then learn from you some parenting tips to help her deal with it.

I'm surprised no library staff stepped in tho.

bibbitybobbityhat · 16/06/2010 21:32

It sounds very likely (from the way you have described his behaviour) that the older boy has some sort of special needs, but it is a shame that his carer wasn't keeping a closer eye on him.

MrsCravendale · 16/06/2010 21:34

Thanks for the replies. I was expecting to get flamed for him being PFB and me being a pussy!

Feel a bit better now it is off my chest thanks

OP posts:
CrankyTwanky · 16/06/2010 21:46

I would assume he had behavioral problems TBH, but would have exclaimed in my Biggest Booming Mummy Voice "Do You Mind?!"

Have a wine. You handled it well.

DastardlyandSmugly · 16/06/2010 21:47

YANBU.

I was walking home with DD and DS the other day - DD in her pram and DS on his scooter. Going into local shop and DS was slightly behind me when I heard him crying. I turned round and he was on the floor. There was a woman walking off and DS told me that she had knocked him over. He was really upset and I was bloody furious that she hadn't stopped to pick him up or said sorry to him. I wanted to run after her but by this time she was too far away.

mumbar · 16/06/2010 21:58

dastardly for your ds, hope he's ok now.

at ladies reaction. I knocked dc (4ish) over with shopping basket in local shop the other day felt really guilty so bought him ice cream as getting ds one. Mum agreed I could altho she was fine as knew it was a genuine accident.

LadyBiscuit · 16/06/2010 22:05

If it makes you feel any better mumbar I was not massively sympathetic when my DS fell over earlier today but this evening he has a massive fat lip and clearly put his tooth through it but I didn't realise. I feel terrible

RamonaThePest · 16/06/2010 22:06

People are so mean to children.

We walk through a shopping arcade several times a week and I have lost count of the number of adults who have banged into mine with shopping bags, handbags and so forth.

They never say sorry!

RamonaThePest · 16/06/2010 22:06

Let alone offer ice cream, mumbar.

mumbar · 16/06/2010 22:16

Well I did have 2 x 6 packs of pop in the basket so was pretty heavy. It one of those unfortunate things where children are same height as the bottom of basket! Makes seeing them difficult.

BUT we spend the whole time telling our DC to look where they are going and I think it sets a good example when we admit we do make mistakes our our dcs see us try to make up for it.

And lady Ive done the same with my ds the old ' serves you right for running ' etc then realised hes actually hurt.

DastardlyandSmugly · 17/06/2010 09:00

mumbar what a lovely lady you are.

bluecardi · 17/06/2010 09:04

With things like this I say very loudly who is with the child who his hitting/pushing/whatever. Get the parent involved with their child.

waitingforbedtime · 17/06/2010 09:08

YANBU please remember that kids look older than they are. Ds (3) is constantly asked why he's not at school and the fact he speaks very well doesnt help really.

waitingforbedtime · 17/06/2010 09:08

YANBU please remember that kids look older than they are. Ds (3) is constantly asked why he's not at school and the fact he speaks very well doesnt help really.

maltesers · 17/06/2010 09:12

This young boy sounds definately like he has behavioural porbs. ADHD/ Aspergers or even Autistic. . .
I think you were very patient , , having looked after children for 30 yrs now and as much older mother i would have stepped in a bit more strongly to prevent anything continuing. . . The only thing you can do is remover your own child safely away from situation temporarily and/ or say to the troublesome child, firmly "NO, STOP IT" !

Ezma · 17/06/2010 09:16

Very difficult, I think you did the right thing and the mum/ carer should have been paying more attention. Having said that, given the child's apparent age and the lack of response when you spoke to him it could well be the case that he's got SN. That doesn't excuse the mum's/ carers lack of attention but may explain why he didn't understand that his behaviour was not acceptable. I used to assume that any aggressive/ bad tempered child was just a little horror until I had my own DS and then a friend's DS was diagnosed with SN. It was a big wake up call for me and I now no longer assume that a child is just badly behaved for the sake of it but there may be an underlying reason. Very for you and your DS though that you had to go through that, regardless of the circumstances, it doesn't make it any easier for you. Hope you are all ok now.

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