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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not bother to get exp a fathers day card/gift from the kids.

19 replies

spookycharlotte121 · 16/06/2010 11:11

Im sick and tired of his pathetic attitude towards his responsibilities to his kids.

He rarely pays maintenance. He fails to turn up to see them and when he does hes not that inteerested in the kids and didnt even get dd a birthday card. I got the kids a prezzie from him which he has yet to repay me for. Ds will be 3 tomorrow and it will supprise me if he gives him a card. He isnt even coming to his little birthday tea because hes giving his mate a lift to the airport.

He is a total waste of space. However i know he is expecting something from the dcs on sunday.

So aibu to tell him is he wants a fathers day gift he will have to act like a father first?

OP posts:

Original poster

spookycharlotte121 · 16/06/2010 11:39

can someone just come and tell me he's an arse. he has made me so angry this morning. I hate him!

OP posts:

wifyhome · 16/06/2010 11:42

thats awfull, ill say to him it must have got lost in the post with ds and dd birthday cards

take care

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 16/06/2010 11:43

I know exactly how you feel i'm feeling the exact same at the moment.
I have an ex that thinks phoning every now and then and possibly turning up once a month if his girlfriend doesn't have a prior engagement for them is parenting

I never (even when we were together) got anything from the kids on birthdays or mothers day so I have decided this year to give up.
Might ask the kids if they want to make him a card but beyond that he's had it I can't afford to be spending money anyway never mind on someone who expects it but won't appreciate it.

MrsVidic · 16/06/2010 11:46

If the kids want to make him one I'd let them/ help them but I wouldn't initiate anything

Ezma · 16/06/2010 11:47

IMO YANBU and I can really feel for you there. BUT I think though it is a question of holding on to the higher moral ground. Your DC are coming to an age (if not already) when they can start to understand things for themselves. Regardless of how your ex behaves, if it gives your DC pleasure to make/ send a card to your ex then you should go along with that. If he continues to be the arse that he currently is they'll soon learn for themselves that he's not worth the time or effort. It is good for you to set them an example though that even if he's acting badly, is inconsiderate of them etc. that should not stop them/ you doing the right thing even if it is through very gritted teeth. Sorry, that probably sounds really preachy but I hope you understand where I'm coming from.

mumof4sons · 16/06/2010 11:47

Spooky - I am not getting my xH a father's day card/present either. He walked out on his family after 20years together for the girlfriend a week before my birthday and didn't bother helping boys to get me one. He sees the boys every other weekend and they are old enough to decide what to do.

He doesn't deserve one for being a father for 47hrs every two weeks.

Original poster

spookycharlotte121 · 16/06/2010 11:50

wify thats good!!!

Ineedacleaner- exp is the same. I bought the dcs an 8ft trampoline for their birthday and he put it up.... he has txt basicly evryday since to ask if they have been on it.... but couldnt manage a happy birthday txt or a "how are the kids!"

I was only going to get the kids a paint your own mug to do for him but I think fuck it.... I'll spennd the fiver on myself or use it to buy some plants for the garden.

they are such lovleykids and it winds me up that he is too lazy to be their dad.

I asked him this morning if he would stay over on sat night so he would be here bright and early as Im doing a car boot sale on the sundaay morning..... I just got one of his pathetic excuses!

OP posts:

Original poster

spookycharlotte121 · 16/06/2010 11:54

they are both 2... ds will be 3 tomorrow so dont understand it yet. they might have done something at nursery... i dont know but im certainly not going to encourage any creativity on this occasion.

Ds has started to pick up on his wankiness and everytime "daddy" is mentioned he says "daddy not here" or "daddy not come"

hes a tosser! they both idolise him though

OP posts:

2rebecca · 16/06/2010 11:55

You wanted your exhusband to stay over at your house so you could be away early? I think you are the one being a bit strange there. I'd just ask him if he can come over early, or if he could have the kids on the Saturday night.
I don't expect my ex to come and stay with me when it suits my social life. The car boot sale has nothing to do with the kids.

Original poster

spookycharlotte121 · 16/06/2010 12:06

exp.... wasnt stupid enough to marry him. He would have slept on the spare bed. He has done it before and it has never been an issue..... and its never a problem for him when he turns up drunk and wants somewhere to crash..... however I understand that it might seem odd to some. There is no way he would come over early. He is "supposed" to see them on sunday, him turning up is debatable. I need to do the car boot sale as I have just gone on benefits and the change in our financial situation is pretty massive.... he doesnt pay for the kids despite trying my best to get maintenace out of him so Im selling some stuff so I can take them out on a few days over the summer so it is for them.

He is a total loser. I just wish he wouldnt constantly duck out of his responsibilities as a father. Its unfair. Im expected to cope alone with limited finances whilst he fucks off and pops his head in every so often. I never asked to be in this position and considering he promised to support the children when we split.... he is doing a pretty crap job of it so far.

OP posts:

Sherida · 16/06/2010 12:36

I'm sorry you're having this, he sounds like a dick. Can you get him a "backhanded" one? I saw a great one today and your post made me think of it... "Here's your Father's Day card. If you look after it and can prove you're responsible, you can have another one next year".

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 16/06/2010 12:47

Cripes, spooky, don't let him stay over when he's drunk, you're not a hotel.

I'd hand the kids a piece of cardboard and a couple of magic markers (and stickers or something if they're old enough; sorry, mine's 18 months and I don't know how much into crafts they get when they're a bit bigger) and let them do their thing, then write their names and Happy Fathers Day on each one and hand them over. Definitely not a present, but means you made the effort, and it'll probably keep the little ones amused, right?

KodakTheBat · 16/06/2010 12:55

If the DC's are too young to understand then I wouldn't bother. As soon as they are old enough though (and if they want to) then you should help them to make a card or whatever.

He does sound like a waste of space, but your doing yourself no favours by letting it wind you up so much. Get on with your life, set specific times that he can see the children (the staying over thing sounds bizarre to me) if he doesn't show without good reason, then stop the contact. Just keep a diary and make a note of dates/times etc.

Vallhala · 16/06/2010 12:57

Sherida, where did you see that card? I want three - one each for my teenaged DDs to send (who would heartily agree with the sentiment) and one for my own father!

Sherida · 16/06/2010 13:00

It was in Sussex Stationers! I thought it was fab at the time, if the father doesn't behave - dont' send him one next year and you can always say that he didn't behave well enough and he had been warned.

piratecat · 16/06/2010 13:03

spooky, don't bother, really. is there any reason to spend any money on someone like that.

when the kids are old enough to ask you about fathers day. or even if now they say they want to give him something. point them to the pencils and paper, they can make him one.

yanbu

piratecat · 16/06/2010 13:07

it's shite isn't it. they leave us and their dc's. don't bother with the kids. My ex has never made sure . my dd has given me a card or gift for mother's day, or any celebration. Then we are somehow expected as the main carer to ensure 'they' get something.

laughable isn't it, bollox to that. i have been the good ex wife for far too long!

SoupDragon · 16/06/2010 13:07

he's not your father, thus it is not your job to get him a fathers day card.

NicknameTaken · 16/06/2010 13:10

Agree with other posters - definitely don't spend money on a present, but let the dcs make him a handmade card.

When I was 8 I made my dad a pencil-holder by sticking lollipop ones (used ones picked out of the gutter) onto a toilet-roll insert. A most insanitary object, but he loved it and kept it by his bed for years. Don't know how he didn't get typhoid.

You could always encourage the dcs to be equally creative

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