family is in pieces

[julie123z]

i dont really know where to start i am new to this, so i spologies if this makes anyones eyes bleed!

i dont know what to do with my family anymore, they have put me my brother and sister right inthemiddle of this horrible war, and im just falling apart over it.

my mum and dad decided to seperate a while back, we didnt know this at the time but while my dad was working away my mum decided she missed him so much and wanted to surprise him, she showed up at his apartment and his fiance!! answered the door!! my mum was so shocked, so mad, so distraught as you can imagine, i dont know what happened in detail but the woman left and my mum waited for my dad to return home, i can just imagine his face!!

anyways they had been living together a while, had a dog together etc etc, my mum threw her clothes out the window and her makeup down the toilet, amoungst other things!
we just found all this out few months ago but things have got terrible, we have a large close family but now, my dad has told his 3 sisters and 3 brothers that if they have contact with my mum he will disown them, 2 of his sisters have written my mum hate mail and she has had horrible phone calss, isnt she the victim? but my dad had told his family he left and found new love because my mum was a cold hearted bitch who was trying to take all his money!! i dont know how he can say that about the mother of his children, anyway it cant be true, he has stopped my mums cards, and she is nearly living off fresh air!
we no longer see my gran auntys and uncles apart from two who chose us over their brother, i miss everyone so much!
my dad constantly bad mouths my mum to me, she has never uttered a word, she just gets on with it, i know shes going through hell i try to comfort her as much as i can.

my mums family live down south so dont see them much, so she is so alone, apart from us who do anything we can for her.
i just cry myself to sleep most nights looking at old family pictures etc, its not fair, i miss all my family, but we cant go to see them they are scared my dad will disown them, but what have his kids done? why cant we see them?
my dad and his new wife are having a baby now aswell, and have brought a big new beautiful house together,
is it to much too ask for us not have been put in the middle of this? what can i do to help make things better? im scared my mum is gettin depressed, she puts on a smile for her kids, shes a saint and does so much for all of us.
cant go on like this much lnoger, ive just had a baby myself and she hasnt met her grandad or great great parents, its tearing us all apart x

So your dad is allowed to have contact with his own children but none of his family are?

You should sit him down and tell him that its not fair to put you and your siblings in the middle and that you miss your family. What happened has nothing to do with you and he shouldn't be cutting his family off from you for something he did. If he won't budge I would be temped to say that you won't be bothering with him any more either.

If your mum is really getting depressed, see if she will go and speak to her doctor.

Julie, I really feel for you, my parents separately when I was 17 and it was a really traumatic time.

I think you mum needs to speak to a solicitor, how old are you and your siblings? Your mum sounds very dignified in not berating your father in front of you, my mum was the same. My father who left my mum for a much younger woman also would bad mouth my mother and I put a stop to it. I just said that I wasn't prepared to hear any of his opinions on my mum and if he wanted us to have a good relationship, then it wouldn't be discussed.

I truly hope this gets better for you, you have my sympathies

Definitely get to see a solicitor asap. Whatever your dads reasons for leaving, she is still entitled to her share of the assets from the marriage, I'm presuming this was never done formally on the separation, he seems to be able to fund a new house and baby. If they aren't divorced yet, his financial affairs will be scrutinised.

You sound very caring, and it's awful being cut off from people you love through no fault of your own. The ridiculous thing is, he has divided his own family as well, as two have opted to stay in touch with you all.

thankyou, i just want to mbe able to sort it out and for my family to be able to at least talk again! even if my mum and dad dont, just the rest of us.
im 26 and my brother is 12 and my sister 18.
my little brother is the one i feel for most he misses his dad, i dont think he knows the whole situtaion but he is just in bits aswell.
my dad has contct with us when it suits him, but my mum isnt allowed to have contact with him or his family. all because my dad made up that my mum forced him into the affair and that my mum was a money grabbing bitch basically! my mums a hosuewife who rasied 3 kids on her own basically while my dad worked in various different places, shes done everything for this family, she has a little cleaning job thats she had for years, she cleans peoples houses in the morning, and that gives her money to treat us, so i dont know how shes a money grabber, my dad was the main earner but who does that make her that way? i dont beleve any of it but his family do.
when i went t o visit my dad a few weeks ago, we were out in the car talking and we had to stop off at his work to pick somthing up. my dad went off and i sat in the waiting bit, and a lady came out and said.. oh you must be julie? davids (my dad) nieice? ive heard a lot about you. i was shocked, i asked my dad about it and he said he dosnt like people gossiping so he said i was his neice, ashamed of having a daughter from another marriage basically!

mym mum has been to her lawyer, my dad and mum had savings for us 20 grand each which is a lot of money! it woulda given us a nice start off in life, but the moneys gone, im not sure how it all works and i think whats happend is that it was in my dads name or somthing? i dont think it was a signed contract or anything, ive asked my dad about it and he saays he cant afford to give us the money.. even though years ago this was the promise,
he has since been on a 3 week oliday to south africa a three week holiday to florida and has a 5 bedroom house witha jag and a golf parked outside it! go figure..

Stop all contact with your dad at once, send a photo of your beautiful new baby to all his side of the family, explain that your dad is a lying cheating bullying shit bag and that you understand if they want to side with him but that you will keep a door open for them if they ever see the truth.

Your poor mum, I hope she takes him for everything in the Divorce

ALSO no one was ever "driven" to an affair
People have affairs because they are weak and then they make excuses for it.....

my gran is actually in bits, my dads mum, shes 72 and dosnt keep to well, its tearing her apart as well, but she has to choose between her son and her daughter inlaw and grandkids. he is a shit bag for doing this.my dad dosnt really ask about my daughter, when i went up i left DD at home, i wasnt dragging her all the way up to aberdeen from glasgow, if he wanted to see her he would make an effort?

i have emailed my aunts that sent my mum horrible mail etc.. i told one of them if she ever sent anything like that to my mum again or even muttered a nasty word about her to anyone, i wouldnt hesistate to come down there and break her fucking legs,
she sent my dad the email and told me he would never speak to me again if i spoke to his sisters that way! oh but its ok for them to tak to my MOTHER than way, dont think so.

some people say that you can never be sure what goes on in other peoples' marriages

much better not to take sides, it will only make things worse, but certainly don't cut off contact with mum.

Sorry to hear about this, sounds like your family is going through a really tough time. I think a lot of people assume that separations really only impact on younger children but it's just not true.

Maybe some family counselling is in order, even if only for you, your mum and siblings if you dad is set against it - might help you get it all off your chest, talk it through together and find ways to deal with all the stress this has been causing you all.

ive suggested to mum to have a talk with someone, but she just wants to get on with it she says, i know shes putting on a brave face, me and my mum are extremely close, shes my best friend and id walk to the end of the world for her, whenever she needs a cry or to talk sheknows im there, she does open up to me sometimes and gets out a cry but she just trys too hard to be stong for us, im an adult she dosnt need to be brave for me, the only thing that ever really puts a smile on her face is my DD shes the apple of her eye, we go over often adn have little days out, i think that helps some what.
my dad refuses to talk to my mum they havnt since the split, hes moved away now, he wants to get on with his new life. out with the old in with the new.
ive got myself all started off now, just talking about it is making me cry, i just dont know where it allw ent wrong
and why my dad is trygin to destroy any happiness we have left.

i just hope one day when hes old and gray and sitting on his own, he thinks about what hes done, and takes it to hell with him

Your mum needs a lawyer. Seriously.

Why is your dad behaving so unreasonably? He is SO in the wrong (if we're assigning blame). Have you and your sibs thought about not having anything to do with him until he acts more reasonably towards your mum and calls the hounds off?

yes we have thought of that it is easir said than done, although i totally hate and dispize him for what hes done, hes still my dad..
he wont change his mind about my mum, he has tryed to turn me against her, and with my brother only being young, he just tells him my mum is bad etc, its so wrong! my brother just crys to her all the time about my dad, and then gets angry, hes all over the place its horrible to watch.

the other heartbreaking thing aswell is our family dog jack who was 18! a beautiful lovely black lab, had to be put to sleep not long ago, he was just so old and we thought it was best to end his suffering, my mum took it so badly, he was her companion, my dad was his master and when i told him he didnt care nad just changed the subject.. (he has a puppy black lab now btw)
so that was a big blow for us and my mum aswell,
i think she has an appointment with her lawyer i think i will go with her and stick the knife ina bit about my dad, as i know she wont x

HAs your mum got any other support- has she told her friends etc- I only ask this as I think it may do her some good to confide in her peers (as well as hr daughter)

Please look after yourself in this and take time to deal with this and its effect on you. I only say this because it sounds like you have not had a chance to grieve for the breakdown of you parents marriage and it seems like you need someone looking out for you instead of doing all the looking after.

As an older child of a marriage breakdown- the best advice I can give to you is accept your parents are human, they make mistakes (not that this excuses anything), not everyhting is black and white (you will probably not know the details for a long time as you are their child and they will want to shiled you) and try to remember none of this has been done intentionally to hurt you (selfish, insensative and cruel perhaps but not against you)

it really sounds like your Dad is being very unreasonable and insensitive about things but there's no real point apportioning blame since he's unwilling to take any responsibility and the only result will be that you end up estranged from him.

seeing a lawyer is a good, pro-active step and it's great that you're going to be supporting your mum through this. be aware, though, that your dad will probably not take too kindly to your involvement in this side of things.

something like this could be helpful in the longterm: www.familymediationhelpline.co.uk/family-mediation.php

I know your mum doesn't want to speak to anyone or have counselling and your dad just wants to move on. But ultimately, the situation it puts you and your siblings in is not fair, particularly if your younger brother is too young to really handle what's going on and especially because there are grandchildren involved. In order for all of you to be able to maintain relationships with both your parents and hopefully your wider family circle as well, then it sounds like some things need to be frankly and openly discussed and sometimes it's good to get professional advice on what the best way to do this might be. Best of luck with it all x

From your posts it sounds as if your dad is being unreasonable, but tbh I doubt it's really as black and white as that.

As someone said further up the thread, no-one knows what goes on on the inside of someone's marriage.

Am certainly not justifying what has gone on but I imagine that your dad must have told quite a story in order to provoke his family to cut you off and send your mum hatemail, esp given how long it seems (from your age) your parents had been together.

Could it be possible that your parents had actually separated before this all happened and that your mum went up there to try to bring about a reconcilliation? I ask only because I imagine that if your dad was living a double life i.e. with your mum in one place and the fiance in another, your mum wouldn't have known his address in order to visit him, and this in turn has provoked the response from your dad?

Tbh as hard as it is I wouldn't get involved, and wouldn't take sides. They are both your parents, and neither of them is going to be totally reasonable or upfront about what the other has/hasn't done.

WRT your dad's family I would be inclined to write to them and say that you are not taking sides as you are both of their child and you don't feel that would be appropriate. But that whatever your mum is reported to have done has nothing to do with you, and you see no reason why you can't have a relationship with them.

TBH, people shouldn´t have to choose who to see or not.

Your father cannot stop family members seeing you if they want and if he cuts contact due to that then that is his decision.

I also find it hard to believe that if he had a secret life he told your mum the address.

my dad was working away all the time ever since we were young, he got this job in portugal, in telecoms, he worked 3 months over nad had a week home, everytime he was home my dad would hit the drink, he wa never a violent man, but he did become a horride person on the drink, and he would always say how lonely it was to work out there, but he doing it for us to get good money blablbla.

i think my mum knew that my dad was "lonely" and organised a big secret trip, she got my gran to watch my brother n that and flew over.. she knew the address as do i because when he first moved out there we went over for a two week holiday.

she wanted to surprise him basically, and what a surprise she got, i can swear on my childs life that none of us including my mum knew about this, i dont think my dad ever expected my mum would come over.

my dads now wife, did know about us and my mum, so shes just as bad!

and my mum has NEVER done any of the things that my dad has suggested to his family and i think deep down they know that but take his side obviously because its their son and brother.
to say my mum was trying to steal all his money?? why on earth would she ever do that, she was his wife, them mother of his children!! its ridicoulous, if you knew my mum you knew that wasnt the case!
he accused her also of being unloving and she basically just didnt make him happy.. how was she supposed to make him feel so wanted when it was he who chose to work away from us, she issed him so much.
my dads twisted and theres no excuse for what hes done and for his LIES! my dad cant look me in the eye and expect me to believe any of it, he knows that but my broher is more likely to being young and niave.

im thinking about just cutting contact, i know my dad wouldnt be too fussed, he has his new perfect life, and in the same way so do i! i have a perfect little girl, a loving DECENT partner and my mums side of the family who have been there for us all the way

TBH, unless money was a problem, I think the fact that your father worked away for three months at a time & then visited for only one week speaks volumes.

Sorry Julie, I'm confused. Your parents are now divorced and he has married this other woman and there is a baby.

What are you hoping to achieve with a lawyer, apart from getting maintenance for your young brother? Are you implying that your dad stole money and that is why your mum is struggling financially, because she didn't receive what she should have done in a divorce settlement?

Children can receive counselling, there might be someone available at your brother's school he can talk to.

Of course, if your dad is still a drinker, who's to say this new relationship will last?

yes sorry, seperated i mean divorced, only very recently al gone through, there was money we wer entitled to when we reached 21, i never saw it then and as far as im aware there is no money, now its all about the house my mum and brother and sister live in and somthing to do with my dad getting half of that, i dont understand all the lawyer stuff i havnt yet been with my mum, dont even know if i can go,
she dosnt talk much about it and just carrys on like everythings gunna be fine.
its all so complicated there is money owed but i dont know how or why its gone, ill need to find out more about it, my dads wife is currently pregnant, my dad never invite us to the wedding, they got married at their house with just my dads mum and dad and her mum and dad.
shes from belguim btw and a total fruit loop, she was working at the same complany in portugal as my dad.
i dont know if it will last but i hope for the new baby due that, that poor child dosnt have to go through any of the same thing!
where is the best place to start by getting counsilling for my brother? should he choose to have it?, do the schools provide that kind of thing?

Sorry but your dad sounds like an absolute arse. He is pretending you dont exist - so do the same back. Cut him dead and inform him that until he is ready to be reasonable you want no more to do with him. How DARE he pretend you are nothing to do with him. Sick, sick man!!!!! Schools do provide councelling. Call them, explain and ask for pastoral support. Go to the gp as well with him and see if they can help.

Good luck, Your dad is a txxt and your mum will smile again one day.

prettyfly think your pretty bang on the money there to be honest, until he makes the effort to grow up and realise that his kids need him too then i won thave naything to do with him, i just wanna focus on my mum and brother and sister, as long as they are happy im happy, just all the legal stuff is so complicated, i dont understand any of it, x

There is probably a counsellor attached to the school, the staff should be able to tell you more. Hopefully they will know the situation because it will be impacting on his progress in lessons. Or if not the G.P. should be able to refer him to one. I don't think you can make him see one, but let him know there is such a service, because sometimes it's easier to talk to someone impartial, who won't get upset or judge.

It isn't unusual for marital assets to be divided 50/50, but allowances should be made for any children still living at home. I think the house is valued at its' current market value and each party gets half of that. I imagine the solicitor will want to know why your dad wants half the value of that house if he can afford to buy another and expensive cars and holidays while keeping you all short! A solicitor would argue that it would be unfair to uproot the children in addition to their parents divorce, and I suspect he will have to pay mortgage and a proportion of bills. It isn't recommended that divorced couples jointly own property or bank accounts so the house ought to be signed over to your mum, really. If there are debts left by your dad from before the divorce was finalised, the solicitor will know how to go about getting them sorted.

Please ensure that your mum doesn't ignore anything financial, your dad will be relying on her not to make a fuss and let him get away with everything. She needs to stick up for her family, who need their home and their fathers financial support. If I were her, I'd tell the solicitor I suspected her ex of secreting money, so that they can do thorough checks of his accounts, what he earns etc.

Have you considered going with your mum to the cab? They might be able to help you a little more with some support. TBH though I would try and remain neutral on that score. Your best bet is to focus on being there for your mum. Is there anything nice you could do for her to help her see how loved and valued she is?