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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to kick dp in the bollocks or cry, not sure which

14 replies

jendaisy · 15/06/2010 23:07

I am 34 weeks pg with dd2 and after I had dd1 (now almost 6 years) I was really traumatised by the birth and had nightmares for years. So this time, I have been forking out loads of money for private hypnobirthing sessions. They are £50 a go and I have had at least 10 since I began them.

I have a session tomorrow and last time the midwife who runs them asked if I could bring DP along as he needs to know what he can do to help. For some reason he is being a right twat about coming. Yesterday when I first mentioned it to him he said that he didn't need to go as he has already been at one birth (his ex DP, he is not DD's dad). I kind of lost my rag with him and pointed out that I (yes me, not him) have forked out a shit load of money on this hypnobirthing and the least he can do is come along and find out how he can help me when the time comes.

Anyway he has just come up to my bedroom (he doesn't sleep in here as he snores like a fucking pig), and brought the subject up again with as far as I can tell the intention of having an argument with me. He was going 'why do I need to go? what's she going to say to me?' and I'm like well I don't bloody know, if I knew that I would be running hypnobirthing classes myself. Then I got very angry again as I really can't see why on earth he has such a problem with coming along (he has nothing else to do tomorrow). And I said fine, if you can't be arsed to come along and find out how you can help me, then don't bloody bother being at the birth. So he stomped off saying 'fine I won't be there then'.

I know he is just acting like a stroppy child but the truth is I don't know if I want him there. I honestly don't know how much help he would be. Thing is, if he's not there, I don't know who I can ask, I'm not close to my family and out of my friends there is only one who I would really want to be there and she is going to be abroad, unless the baby comes late. I am so upset and hormonal and I don't know why he is making this so bloody difficult for me, like I haven't got enough to worry about at the moment.

OP posts:

Original poster

jendaisy · 15/06/2010 23:07

PS. gone for crying option.

OP posts:

frangipan · 15/06/2010 23:12

well,when you've had a good cry.....kick him in the bollocks!

SolidGoldBrass · 15/06/2010 23:14

Is there a possibility that he is frightened of hypnosis? Some people find the prospect of being hypnotised really scary - he may not actually be thinking that the hypnotist is going to make him cluck like a chicken to amuse you in labour, but he may be seriously uneasy about the idea, hence all the resistance.
Actually, could he be frightened of being at the birth? Do you know even roughly what the birth of his DC was like? If his XP had a really bad time - or if she bit him and called him a cuntbag all the way through it, he might actually not want to go through a birth again and be manufacturing squabbles in order to get out of it.
Of course, he should just be able to say to you 'I'm afraid, I don't think I can handle being at the birth' and he's being a bit pathetic not to communicate properly, but if you could try to talk to him calmly about it you might then be able to pick someone else or even (if you have spare cash) find a doula.

Alouiseg · 15/06/2010 23:18

Then take a step back and stamp on his head.

What a tosser!

He doesn't want to be there, you need support not a resentful idiot.

Second births can often be a lot easier than first one. Take someone else for support. Most people would be honoured to be a birth partner.

Greensleeves · 15/06/2010 23:19

YANBU

but kick him in the bollocks. Don't cry.

Quattrocento · 15/06/2010 23:20

It's not an either/or situation - you can do both

TBH, my DH was worse than useless at the births. I'd have been better off without him, frankly. He sat and twittered on uselessly for hours, didn't help me get the pain relief I needed, disappeared to watch the news. Made me worry by getting increasingly distraught. Then crowned it all by bursting into tears when it was all over, commanding much midwifely attention ...

Could you find a doula? Might be a better option

Greensleeves · 15/06/2010 23:22

Quat that is a VERY funny post

I nearly knocked mine out by going for him like a tiger when he tried to take the gas and air off me

Original poster

jendaisy · 15/06/2010 23:23

He does have some issue with hypnosis (doesn't believe there is a difference between stage hypnosis and this kind of hypnosis). But he came to the first session back in December and he was fine, he knows that no-one is going to hypnotise him and he liked the midwife so I really don't know why he is being like this.

The birth of his DS was fine so he said, all quick and straightforward home birth. Tragically his DS was killed in an accident as a toddler so he does have issues there, but he has been really looking forward to the arrival of this baby. I really don't get him. I was hoping to have a home birth but if he is going to be as childish as this then maybe I am better off in hospital. He can't stand anyone else being the centre of attention, he is really immature in that respect, and he has voiced his opinions over the months about how he would like the birth to be, and I'm like 'erm sorry, actually this is all about me as I'm the one who has to bloody do it, you just have to try and support me the best you can'. Which has made him very huffy as he really thinks he has equal say in the matter.

OP posts:

Original poster

jendaisy · 15/06/2010 23:25

I would LOVE to have a doula but I can't afford to get one

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Vallhala · 15/06/2010 23:34

Perhaps he thinks that hypnosis is not his thing and is dubious of it? I'm not trying to be rude, but is this his way of saying, "I think it's all quack stuff and although if I was mature honest enough to admit it, I'll be there for you, I'm not into all this hypnotherapy business and want no part of it"?

Have you had a serious talk of what he really thinks of the idea vs conventional counselling/doctor's advice/just getting on with it etc?

I agree that he's not responding in a kind or supportive way but wonder if it's not you he really intends to throw a wobbly at, but rather the idea of a treatment which isn't something he feels will be helpful or relevent.

Original poster

jendaisy · 15/06/2010 23:41

I think he just sees himself as the authority on childbirth having been there once, and there's nothing he needs to know. He knows how scared I was when I first got pg about going through childbirth again, and now I feel more positive about it thanks to these sessions but I feel terrified at not having someone I can rely on to be there for me when the time comes.

We haven't really had a serious talk about it but it's hard to have a serious talk with him about anything. If it's a subject he finds uncomfortable he just won't talk. He has Aspergers and I think that has something to do with it.

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Vallhala · 15/06/2010 23:54

I hate to say then, but perhaps this is something a person can only really understand when they've been through it. I had a very scary, painful and life-threatening birth experience with DD1 and I found that most people, men and women alike, were less than understanding of the fear it put into me.

In the end, when I had DD2, I took control myself and did it my way, regardless of other's opinions (apart from that of a very understanding GP, to be fair). In my case that was by having a section - reasons being the fast arrival of DD1 and distance to hospital and the prvious circumstances. I had to fight to get it, being told I was 'being ridiculous' by a hospital midwife, but DD2's birth was serene, safe and pain-free, so it was worth the fight.

All I can say is that you do what's right for you, despite your DPs lack of understanding. If he doesn't want to attend, maybe it's best that you continue to go alone so you can concentrate on your own wellbeing without distraction. Given time to calm down and to stop being obstructive, regardless of his reasons, hopefully your DP will realise that you are well prepared for a far less frightening birth and will be proud and delighted to be there to hold your hand.

Original poster

jendaisy · 16/06/2010 00:05

I'm glad things were better for you the second time around - I must say my initial thought when I got pg this time was that I wanted a section. But really, on paper DD's birth was as straightforward as they come, no complications or intervention and it was only 4.5 hours. But even so I was traumatised by the pain and vowed never to put myself through that again. I must say hypnobirthing has been great and I am actually looking forward to the birth now (or I was, until DP started all this rubbish).

I know he will come round and he will decide that he wants to be there. But by then he will have missed the vital stuff he needs to know in relation to the hynobirthing, which makes me really cross as it's really important he knows how he can help me. It's such a simple thing to ask and it could make such a difference to me. I have visions of him being there trying to steal all the attention from the midwives. He is the kind of person who jumps around in front of the TV when I am trying to watch it because he is not getting any attention. He is more trying than a three year old sometimes.

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Quattrocento · 16/06/2010 00:11

The information that your DH has lost a child does change the position - for me at least

He might still be grieving though, and under huge pressure at the thought of another child in his situation

And quackery (which is how he thinks of the situation) is probably not something he is wholeheartedly up for

Second births are usually considerably easier.

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