to think that MIL should think about her Grandson occasionally?

[InWithTheITCrowd]

Hi - long-time lurker and 1st time poster here. I don't think IABU, but am open to other opinions.
DH and I have one son, who will be 1 in August. We spent 10 years TTC, and finally after 3 rounds of IVF, DS arrived last year. MIL and FIL seemed supportive and interested during those pre-conception times, but have not shown much interest since DS arrived. When we brought him home, we had to go to their house to introduce him, and as we arrived, MIL opened the door and said "Oh, I'm just on my way to the hairdressers. I'll see him another day" and promptly went out. This has been the story pretty much since then - if we don't make the effort to go round/invite them over,then they just don't see him. Since February, they have seen him just 4 times. FIL is retired and MIL works flexi, and they live in the same town as us.
TBH we have made our peace with the way they are, and even though we often get knocked back, we regularly instigate contact. When they DO see him, they seem to enjoy him and engage with him - but then it's out of sight out of mind.
They came over yesterday for half an hour (at our request) and while they were here, MIL mentioned his birthday and that they plan to buy him a car seat. She asked me to pick one, and then (in the same breath) told us that she's got tickets to see Westlife (!) on DS's birthday. She knows we are having a party for close family, and when I said "You're going to miss his party" she said "I'll send a cake"
I feel as though I have been reasonable and patient over the last few months, (to the point of being a doormat, it seems) but now I feel that this is the last straw. She's not even a Westlife fan!!! DH is also p*ssed off, but says we should let it go - he says it's their loss, but I think it's ours too - and more importantly DS's. I want to say something, and sort it out - but should I? And if so, what?
Thank you

My MIL can be a bit favouritist with some of her GC's. For a long time her eldest dcd and our ds were the obvious favourites, she used to bring just the two of them to the park, ignoring her dgd's brother who is actually older than our ds1. Now this has shifted a bit and she pretty much ignores ds1 and is only interested in her granddaughters and our ds3.
V. annoying but there's not much you can do about it except be grateful for your own parents!

Grandparents do seem to be odd things. I think you do just have to accept what you get.

My father and step-mother are wonderful in that they'll pretty much always say yes if asked to baby-sit DS and they'd like to start to have him overnight (its just me that needs to build up to it!)

However...

My mother and MIL aren't really that involved in DS's life at all. Neither of them live locally but equally not far enough imo to justify how little they make the effort to visit us. We visit them but I'm not prepared to do it more often as it's far more difficult for us to pack and travel with DS and now me being heavily pregnant than it is for them.

I'm trying to just accept it and feel grateful that my father/step-mother are so good. I think the thing that rankles for me is the fact that my mother and MIL constantly say they miss DS and want him to know them but then make no ruddy effort to make that happen!

So... if your family are brilliant with DS, I think it's best just to focus on them and cut your losses with your ILs.

Difficult, my family dead so all we had when DD born was MIL etc, lack of engagemetn unbleievable, my mum died when I preg, so struggling with difficultnewborn asked MIL for help and advice, she just said she couldn't remeber how to look after babies as it was all so long ago!took them 7 weeks ot come and see second child, when arrived, more interested in cup of tea than baby. seems a real lack of engagement - no bond there at all

I don't think you're being unreasonable but you can't force them to take an interest. You'll just have to accept this and try not to let it upset you. I do feel quite upset by this myself, though. My own parents absolutely adore my son and we see them about 4 times a week. They'd probably be happier to see him more regularly. My ex's dad makes an effort to see him once a week too but his mom doesn't seem to care... Even though my ex lives with her so he has to go to her house. She'd rather go out to the pub. I think that says it all really. I'm sort of glad though as she is a bit of an idiot and I don't want her to have any influence on him.

I just have to remind myself that she's the one losing out and try not to be hurt that someone would snub my son like that. Luckily, my partner also adores him and his parents seem to really enjoy spending time with him, which was a real surprise to me since we haven't really been together for that long. His mom regularly asks to see us and actually drives on a 4 hour round trip to take us to her house since neither of us drive. And they already have grandchildren too so it's not as though he's a novelty. They're just nice, caring people. My ex's mom didn't actually bother to buy my son a birthday or christmas present, just told her son to put her name on the tags. My partner's parents (both sets - they're divorced) both put the effort into getting something he'd enjoy.

So maybe you'll be surprised and find that support comes from a completely unexpected place... friends or distant relatives. People really can surprise you!

My in-laws have seen my DTDs 8 times. They are 4 years old next week. At first, it really really pissed me off - I was genuinely upset about it. I know my babies are not as interesting to other people as they are to me, but they were the first grandchildren, and I just couldn't understand the disinterest. TBH, I've never understood it, but I have realised it's just not worth the headspace. My own parents are brilliant - they see the twins as much as they possibly can, come and stay with us, have the twins to stay, and always make the right amount of fuss about important occasions. DH is resigned to it, and I've given up letting it bother me. OP - I'd advise you to try to do the same. It's just not worth trying to figure it out. It's certainly not worth getting yourself in a state about. It's sad, and it's crap, but as long as they're not trying you make out that it's you who isn't making the effort, I'd say, from experience, to just ignore it.

Op, for 10 years you really had something to be upset about (been through it too and it sucks). Put your ILs' slight lack of interest into perspective against that and just enjoy the fact that you have a lovely healthy baby. Relax about it: with time they'll grow closer to him.

Does anyone thimk think that the lack of interest may stem from the fact that as DIL they feel somehow that they have less rights than your parents or that they should seomehow keep away and not interfere?

Did your MIL know you were coming the day she went to the hairdresser?

They don't come round when they ARE invited, though cat64 - and yes, dueling, she knew we were coming round - it was the day we brought DS home for the 1st time.
Reading these responses has made me put things in perspective, tbh - I may be fussing over nothing. Just a bit over her going to see Westlife on DS's birthday, despite not being a fan and knowing it was important to us and also the amount of time she lavishes on our niece. I know what you mean, pearlym, about being DIL - but they have no such reservations with DH's SIL (their other DIL) - but in the grand scheme of things - so what, hey? We have a lovely healthy much-longed-for DS and that's all that really matters!

InWith congratulations on your DS

I am always saddened by post on MN about AIBU asking my parents/PIL to stay away when baby is born, my MIL is suffocating etc. as I am a believer in involving extended family.

I really feel for you but at least you have your Mum so you DS is not missing out on GP love. Let him build and develop this relationship and just accept that your MIL has for her own reasons decided not to join in.

Is there an 'adopt a granny' type service anywhere? I have useless grandmothers for my dcs and I could sure do with adopting an older grandmother-figure person for them - someone who would take an interest in them, perhaps do some babysitting etc. In return for their services we could do the things that younger people do for older people - keep them company if they are lonely etc.
There must be some sort of matching service somewhere? I can imagine that for every parent desperate for some grandparent support there are loads of grandparents who are desperate to see their grandkids and cant for whatever reason (ie they live too far away) - or maybe they dont have grandkids and would like to help out with young ids? Just a thought anyway...

It IS hurtful, i understand where you are coming from. And you cant help taking it personally, i know i cant.

I just inwardly seeth and quietly moan.

Back to your opening question, there clearly is nothing you can do and i wouldnt mention it to them either as it will only lead to bad feeling. You dont want that, so take it as it comes with dignity and wisdom.