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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...are we being rude to suggest we stay in b&b when we visit?

20 replies

JoannaLewis · 15/06/2010 16:05

...my sister is not comfortable with this. I need to take my mum and my 4 year ds. Sister has a 3 bed house with 2 teenage sons with their own rooms and a 5 year daughter and DH.

The reason we need to visit is because her daughter has just been diagnosed with leukemia. She will be in hospital and my sister and her husband will be doing shifts staying at hospital with my niece.My mum and I don't want to cramp them and get in thier way at a time like this.

Her sons are very anti-social and don't like company. We are going to see our niece, help out around the house during the day, and give my sister practical and emotial support. But do we HAVE to stay in the house? Are we being rude to suggest we stay in b&B? She is saying that it's rude and I don't want to stress her any more as she's already going through a lot.

OP posts:

fifitot · 15/06/2010 16:07

I wish my relatives were as thoughtful! I would love them to stay at a B and B when they visit! Surely it means you can give them space but still be around to help during the day.

I guess if she really needs you to be with her all the time for emotional support I can see her point. It doesn't seem to be rude to me, just thoughtful.

TheBride · 15/06/2010 16:08

God, I wish you were my relatives!! You are not being rude- quite the opposite I would say.

Where does she intend you to sleep anyway?

belgo · 15/06/2010 16:09

No of course it's not rude, but if your sister really wants you to stay in her house, then maybe you should, as another poster says, maybe she's desperate for the emotional support?

Or maybe your mum can stay in her house and you and your ds in a b&b?

scurryfunge · 15/06/2010 16:11

You can still be with the family all day and just use the B and B for sleeping. You are being thoughtful.I would check with the B and B that you will be able to get in late at night if need be.

mrsincommunicado · 15/06/2010 19:54

When their daughter comes out of hospital she will need to be in a scrupulous environment, they don't recommend tonnes of visitors around the house. You won't be able to stay then, she'll need space, peace and quiet.

Tell your sister it's a good idea to check out the B&B's now, while you can do this around hospital hours. Also if you get a B&B near home you can help sis and go there late, or if near the hospital it means there is always someone on hand to see her, giving your sis time to go home, shower, wash hair, sort out her home life?

Hope she gets well soon, our friends little boy was diagnosed but he is doing really really well (even though they let a girl with swine flu stay in the same ward

Original poster

JoannaLewis · 16/06/2010 00:41

Thank you for your advice everyone.

I just spoke to my sister, she doesn't like this b&b idea at all. The whole point of our visit, to her, is that we look after the family while she is at hospital. She is taking offence that we feel like staying at a b&b and insisting that my mum stay at the house at least. To look after the boys who seem to fight a lot. My sister is staying in the hospital every night with her daughter.

The arrangements will be that we stay in her eldest son's room. That's me, my mum and my ds (who randomly wakes up several times in the night when we stay round anyone's house!) Her eldest son will stay round his uncles (who he hates!!!- and during school exams going on!)

My mum doesn't want to stay in the house on her own, as she finds the boys and sisters dh an ordeal. She suffers from diabetes and the thought of staying at the house is already making her ill.

I don't want to be arguing with my sister. I don't want to say anything negative.

OP posts:

Sakura · 16/06/2010 01:31

YANBU
It's a very tricky and delicate situation.
But I think you should trust your gut. Staying in the house could end up just being a bad scenario all round. Stress levels in the family must be sky-high already and if you stay in a B&B you'll be able to keep some perspective, relax, stay away from the atmosphere and that way you'll actually be able to help your sister.
I always think this when it comes to helping others. It's very important to help others but if you get drowned in their problems you end up being in a position where you can't even help yourself, let alone anyone else.

ChippingIn · 16/06/2010 01:47

I am very sorry to hear about your niece, I hope she makes a good recovery x

I think that as your sister is the one that needs the help and support you should do what she needs you to do - she needs you to stay at hers so she can be with her daughter without worrying about the boys/the house.

Can you not leave your daughter & mother at home & go on your own? Or book them into the B&B?

Sakura · 16/06/2010 08:07

The problem with just doing what other people need you to do is that you can become unaware of your own limitations.
Nobody is a saint, we're all human, and the human factor has to be figured in when you're thinking about how much of yourself you are able to give.
People who are not aware of their limitations tend to become swallowed up by the very situation they are trying to help. They say 'yes' to every request, because they don't understand that sometimes it's okay, or even better, to say 'no'.
The OP knows her limitations, she believes she can help her sister better by helping as much as she can in the day while at the same time not getting tangled up in other additional stresses, such as living with the teenage boys etc.

posieparker · 16/06/2010 08:11

Could you suggest that your Mum and DS stay in a b&b and you stay at the house. Also think boys need a good talking to.

trixie123 · 16/06/2010 08:30

agree with posieparker. Your DD is presumably only going becuase there is no-one else to look after her, she can't "help" so makes sense for her and your mum to stay in the B&B and you to be in the house giving your full attention to the family. Also agree that teenagers are old enough to be spoken to firmly about their attitude and the situation. I assume one is at least 16 if he is doing exams. Their sister has a very serious illness and they need to appreciate the need for compromise. best of luck and my sympathies.

londonartemis · 16/06/2010 09:05

YANBU

I think you will all be cramped and on top of each other if you stay in the one house. Being able to have breakfast/have a bath/leave your bags etc somewhere else can only help. You will get short tempered if you don't get a break from each other. I think you do need to divide the accommodation somehow.
I suspect your DS thinks you might 'pick and choose' what you do if you choose a B and B rather than be in-house doing what she thinks really needs to be done.

I think you are being very generous and helpful with your family and I hope everything goes well at this time.

mumofthreesweeties · 16/06/2010 10:45

YANBU at all. We always book a hotel when we visit our relatives as we dont like cramping our style their style when we are visiting. I wish they would also do the same when they came to ours. We end up moving the kids out of their bedrooms etc etc when they come round. Wish they could get the message

Original poster

JoannaLewis · 16/06/2010 16:54

I'm so relieved after your advice. Thank you so much. You all make a lot of sense. I was feeling like a selfish moo to want to stay in a b&b, but like you've mentioned, I do have limitations. I'm going to get cranky unless I sleep and have a shower in my own privacy. So I've booked 2 rooms for tomorrow. Again, thanks a lot ladies.

Have to go and pack now!

OP posts:

Original poster

JoannaLewis · 16/06/2010 17:01

mrsincommunicado I hope your friend's little boy is okay and makes a full recovery. Please give them my best xxx

OP posts:

tagine · 16/06/2010 18:09

I think you should do whatever makes your sister's life easier for those few days. Because that's what this visit is about, supporting HER. Your needs, on this occasion(not every one, just this one), are secondary.

Sakura · 17/06/2010 01:59

I think you will be a great support to your sister I hope your DN will be okay.

sunnydelight · 17/06/2010 04:44

You sound sensible and thoughtful, certainly not rude! There is going to be a lot of stress ahead and you will need some space if you are going to be able to continue to help.

I do hope your DN's treatment goes well and she makes a good recovery.

BrownPaperandString · 17/06/2010 09:18

I think you can say that you absolutely have to have 2 rooms between your mum and you and DS as neither of you in the house will get any sleep and lay that on thick - you'll prob get away with it.

qwertpoiuy · 17/06/2010 13:52

Your poor, poor sister - I am so sad to read about your DN. I hope she makes a complete recovery, treatment is so advanced nowadays.

Her mum is so lucky to have a wonderful sister and mother. And you are so considerate too. Is the B&B far from her house? You can be there for her until she goes to bed, then return in the morning.

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