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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to be involved in my only brothers wedding?

50 replies

Stigaloid · 15/06/2010 14:05

My DH has been asked to be an usher and my DS is a page boy, but I have not been included at all. AIBU to want to be involved in some way in my only brother's wedding? My dad died 5 years ago and i had my DB give me away on the day so he was very integral to my wedding. I don't know whether i should say anything or just accept not being involved. I have dropped hints asking who is doing readings and being witnesses etc but he say the wedding is going to be done completely how his fiance wants it and that is fine with him. Feel a bit blue about it all TBH.

OP posts:

Rockbird · 15/06/2010 17:26

I only have one brother, we're very close. I was just a guest at his wedding (and was ill for most of it so missed most of the reception ) I can't think what other role I could have had. The bride didn't want bridesmaids (her second marriage) as her sisters had done it before. Never occured to me to be upset about it.

FluffyDonkey · 15/06/2010 18:09

Understandable but as other posters have said, your family is involved and there aren't roles for anyone.

For what it's worth, my brother isn't part of the "wedding party" but I refused to get married without him being there - he is so important to me, without needing to be given a "role".

Maybe you could kind of create yourself a role (without being too imposing)?

At one wedding I went to, some friends of the couple put postcards on every table, which we all wrote on, then they sent the postcards to the couple, one a month for a whole year.

Or organise a surprise for them? Maybe talk to your future SIL's family and do some sort of surprise event?

Ask your brother for a dance?

Erm.....hoping someone more creative will come along and help!

LoveBeing34 · 15/06/2010 18:12

I don't think there is anything wrong in feeling disappointed.

gomummygo · 15/06/2010 18:24

You may feel disappointed, but I think YABU. From a different perspective, perhaps they are being very considerate? Depending on who is paying, it can be v. expensive when multiple members of a family are in a wedding (tuxes/dresses/shoes/etc.); perhaps they think they have already asked enough of you? Especially if your DS is young as they will assume you'll be needing to take care of him that day as a pageboy. Have been close to this situation a couple of times, and every time the couple was trying to be considerate of the "demands" (financial/time) that they were placing on the families involved. hth

GoEngland · 15/06/2010 20:30

My DH brother and fiancée are the opposite, they want all the family involved which seems completely OTT to me, but any how my DDs will be 2 of the many bridesmaids and flower girls and DH & I will act as ushers as requested. DSiL will be a witness, can't remember her DP role but he has one.. I could go on.

However at my brother's wedding DH & I were just guests while DDs were bridesmaids.

At my sister's wedding DH was an usher/car park attendant etc but I was just a guest.

I would be happy to just be going and would be supporting my brother in any way he asks, not feeling left out

MorrisZapp · 15/06/2010 21:30

You'll be there for the whole thing - how much more involved do you need!

I have never even heard the expression 'just a guest' before.

A guest is an invited, valued and involved person I'd have thought.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 15/06/2010 21:33

Hang out for being a godmother!!!

Original poster

Stigaloid · 15/06/2010 22:05

Haha - not going to hanging out for godmotherly role - not sure if that is on the cards for them but a good spin on things. I have never heard the expression 'just a guest' either - not sure where you got that one from. I guess all are different. As our family is so small and my DH's is too, my immediate reaction to getting married was to include everyone. Our living parents were witnesses, my DB gave me away and DSil did the reading. I even had a special bouquet made up for the end of the first aisle on each side of the church in honour of my late father and DH's late mother, so I guess i viewed it as a much more inclusive family event. As said before, i have always been of the view that the wedding is up to the bride and groom and whatever they decide should be respected (especially on the kids/no kids front). Just a little disappointed that is all. Mind you i attended the many ceremonies of my brother marrying the neighbour when we were 6 & 7 as a bridesmaid, flying nun and vicar. Oh the happy memories!

OP posts:

justonemorethen · 15/06/2010 22:13

I think YANBU because he played such an important role in your wedding but you may have to face the fact that there's not that many roles for a SIL at a wedding.

Do you get on with the DF by the way?

thesecondcoming · 15/06/2010 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

moondog · 15/06/2010 22:26

Can you do a speech?
It seems to be a free for all these days.

thesecondcoming · 15/06/2010 22:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zipzap · 15/06/2010 22:33

No consolation but when my sister got married I didn't have a role - just 'sister of the bride'. She had little bridesmaids, don't think she fancied a grown up one too. And they didn't have readings, just one the vicar did although did offer. DH was one of their ushers (albeit he was dp then and we didn't have any kids at that point to be bridesmaids)

Didn't mean she thought any more or less of me, just was the way her wedding worked.

When I got married I just had a couple of youngish bridesmaids who were close (caused rift on dp's side as he has several sisters who have daughters that had apparently been assuming that they were all a shoo-in (sp?) for being bridesmaid, some of them I barely knew and some I had known along with their naughty reputation).

I asked sis if she would do reading but she didn't want to so asked her to be witness as dp's parents are divorced and he didn't want to have to 'choose' a parent to be a witness, we had already decided that we would have one witness from each side, not two from just his or just my side. And then managed to really upset my mum who 'knows' that 'everybody' knows it is the mother of bride who gets to be her witness . She'd already done it for sis so not like she missed out completely! And she couldn't really see why I didn't have her while dp had a friend do it and not his mum or dad.

hey ho. need headspin smiley

thesecondcoming · 15/06/2010 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bilbobobbins · 15/06/2010 22:37

maybe df just hasn't thought of how you see it? (I probably wouldn't tbh. in fact prob trod on loads of toes; totally didn't mean to!). v easy when it's your wedding not to see it from someone else's pov cos ur busily organising it all. try not to b offended/disappointed. if it's getting u down tho can u not offer to do something? (i.e. phonecall to df, ask if there's anything still needs doing, say you'd love to help/be more involved etc.?)
Hope u have a lovely day

Kiwiinkits · 16/06/2010 00:56

Sorry I think YABU in trying to force your expectations on your brother and his wife to be. Having just planned and gone through my own wedding, the last thing you need is family getting upset about the decisions you've made and creating a fuss. You might unwillingly peeve and alienate your brother by insisting on a change to their plans. I think just be gracious, turn up on the day looking lovely, support your DH and DS, offer to help with baking a cake and turn up to the Bachelorette party. And smile. Don't waste energy on being upset; in the scheme of things it's not worth it.

confuddledDOTcom · 16/06/2010 01:13

Why does a wedding have to be all about the bride? Isn't the groom getting married too???

We have 5 siblings between us, four children (all his, two mine) and 9 nieces or nephews all 18 and parents will be involved. We're having a separate ceremony where only our family will be in attendance which will happen whilst the church is filling up, then they'll all enter when everyone is sitting down.

It's as much about me as him and as much about his family as mine.

No you shouldn't expect to be involved but I can understand wanting a roll and feeling like you're left out because your brother hasn't got any say.

Original poster

Stigaloid · 16/06/2010 07:29

Okay ladies - think some of you need to take a step back - i have not 'string armed' myself or forced expectations on anyone. I have not said a word to anyone except to express on here that i feel disappointed. It is a feeling. Not an action. My lord - some of you are harsh critics. wow

OP posts:

Original poster

Stigaloid · 16/06/2010 07:31

er - that would be strong armed (i certainly don't have string arms!)

OP posts:

thesecondcoming · 16/06/2010 09:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fyimate · 16/06/2010 09:19

As 'justonemorethen' asked, how do you get on with the DF?

You said your DB is letting her do all the arrangements, sounds like she's leaving you out on purpose? Or do you get on well?
I always tell people what's bothering me, that how I get things sorted out with my DP, we talk and tell eachother what's on our mind. You should tell your DB you'd like to have a role to feel more involved, he may have no idea you feel this way.
OR you could tell to his fiancee that you would like a more involved role and explain why, she may have no idea either!

Dont ask, dont get.

jazzandh · 16/06/2010 09:26

Actually I think the speech making idea is lovely - as a personal/ representing your family thing.

Good speeches are remembered...and valued.

thesecondcoming · 16/06/2010 09:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wubblybubbly · 16/06/2010 09:54

It's fair enough that you feel disappointed. As you say, it's an emotion.

I'd probably just show how happy you are that he's getting hitched, proud that your DH and DS have been given important roles and say you'd be delighted to help out if there's anything they'd like you to do.

Other than that, I hope you will have a lovely day and that the disappointment will pass. It really doesn't sound like they are trying to leave you out, quite the reverse.

MyThumbsHaveGoneWeird · 16/06/2010 13:46

YABU

Its hard enough planning a wedding without various family members getting all silently huffy about things. Your brother gets to chose grooms men, and he has chosen your husband. I think its lovely that he feels so close to you and your husband that he would chose him above the other potential contenders (cousins, close friends etc). The fact that they have also asked your child to be involved means that you are very much involved. If your husband is busy being usher they proably assume that you will have your hands full looking after your son and helping him do his role.

If they have assumed wrong then offer to do something! Make the cake, make some bunting, decorate the church, make the page boy outfits, whatever you are good at. They will probably be really pleased.

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