to have suggested that BIL stays elsewhere when he visits?

[thatone]

In a nutshell - BIL and SIL live in the US, They come over every year and have always stayed with us. Last time they came there was tension due to marital issues they were having and also I feel from not having their own space while staying with us. For example they smoke secretly - ie don't want us to know for some reason - we wouldn't care if they did it openly. Also, we don't drink and they do so I'm guessing that not being able to drink with meals etc might cause extra stress for them. They asked about coming to stay next month but mentioned that they didn't want to take the dd's room so we said that it might be better if they stayed in a hotel or apartment. Now I feel really bad about having said this. Was it an awful thing to say?

Well, if they don't want to take dd's room, what other alternative is there?

they just meant that they didn't want to inconvenience dds,

Oh yes, I understand that, but where else could they sleep if they stayed with you? If there isn't anywhere else, then they might have been thinking of staying in a hotel anyway. What was there reaction?

their

Not unreasonable at all really. Just curious though why can they not have a drink with a meal just because you don't drink (I don't drink either so not judging just nosey!)

Well, the only other place would be downstairs on sofas which would be more inconvenient - we do have one spare single room which one of them could have. They haven't responded yet to the e-mail.

we do not drink for religious reasons and would not have alcohol in the house - they are not as strict as us.

Do you want them to stay with you? They take up your space, you don't let them drink, they think they can't smoke in front of you. It sounds like they might not feel very welcome.

No offense meant in my previous email btw, I was playing devil's advocate, but reading it back it sounded judgey.

It does sound like they might be more comfortable elsewhere to be honest.

I think we have always been very welcoming but TBH there was a lot of tension last time between them because of the strain for them of staying with us I think.

We wouldn't care if they smoked and I don't understand why they feel the need to hide it. Drinking is not an option - they both know this - which is why I think they would be happier somewhere else where they had more freedom.

don't worry Songbird - thanks for your replies it does help to think things through with someone.

No problem

Smoking and drinking go together as 'evils' in many people's eyes, I think. I reckon they think you will not allow smoking, because you will not allow drinking. In fact, playing devil's advocate again, it makes more sense to not allow smoking, as it's smelly and unhealthy, whereas a glass of wine with a meal is fairly harmless (in most people's eyes, I'm not belittling your beliefs!)

That's interesting Songbird - you may have something there. I think there is also the fact that they talk endlessly about healthy eating - and they do eat very healthily - organic fresh fruit/veg, fish etc so to admit to smoking would contradict all that. I find it very strange.

I think it sounds as though they feel they would be happier staying in a hotel but possibly don't want to offend you by being 'too honest'. It's not easy staying with other families - routines/habits etc are always difficult. Persoanlly I dread staying with other people - even negotiating what time to get up/go to bed can be fraught with difficulties or perhaps I am just over sensitive?

I would just assume that they are happy to book into a hotel and just make sure you invite them round for a few meals.

Lindy I find it a strain too and am much happier staying in hotels when visiting people.

I used to work with a right pratt who used to rattle on and on about organic food, and smoke 20 fags a day. He never saw the irony in spending loads of money on organic food, whilst also spending loads on poisoning his body with the cigs. Just one example of his utter prattishness!!