to want to avoid BIL?

[babylann]

My partner's BIL is going to meet our daughter for the first time in a couple of week's time. He's got some deep mental issues which often see him having psychotic episodes including hallucinations, etc. He is heavily medicated and often has to be admitted into psychiatric wards because he has made attempts to commit suicide. He is yet to be properly diagnosed, but bounces between being labelled schizophrenic or extremely bipolar by different diagnosticians.

I find it difficult to be sympathetic at the best of times, as much as I logically try to rationalise that he can't help his behaviour - there's just a mental barrier stopping me from understanding. Sometimes I want to shake people who struggle with mental difficulties and say "snap out of it", even though I've had plenty of my own depression and know it can't be controlled.

The reason I don't want him to have a relationship with my little girl isn't just because I think as he isn't in control of his actions he may do something bad. I've seen the way he conducts himself around my other BIL's kids (his nephews and nieces). He spends most of the time he's with them trying to discipline them - literally screaming and shouting at them for things which aren't even necessarily bad behaviour (e.g. if he kicks a ball to them and they pick it up to throw it to him instead of kicking it back). It always takes all the strength I have to stop myself saying, "calm the hell down" because it isn't my place, and nobody else says anything either. This isn't the way I want my daughter to be raised and I know he will be the same with her. I don't really think it's anyone's place to discipline my child apart from mine and my partner's, and maybe her grandparents.

I feel really guilty for using his anger issues as a reason to try and stop him from seeing his niece. My partner doesn't even recognise there is a problem, and I don't really dare to talk to him about it because I know he adores his brother and would probably think I was trying to be too controlling - and I understand because if it was the other way around and he wanted to try and limit the amount of time one of my family members spent with her, I'd probably be a bit offended too. But my family are always very cautious not to do anything they aren't 100% sure I would appreciate. Whereas BIL doesn't have such control.

Am I right to feel as guilty as I do about my concerns?

"But my family are always very cautious not to do anything they aren't 100% sure I would appreciate"

Blimey! You sound a bit scary TBH. I don't know the answer to this but I don't think refusing to see him on the ground of his not having control of himself all the time is reasonable. Can you not explain to your DD that BIL is ill? How would you deal with a relative with dementia? Would you not just explain that they do strange things sometimes because they are ill?

YABVU not to be sympathetic and want him to snap out of it. As you say, you have had depression so you are in some sort of position to understand that mental illnesses can't just be 'snapped out of' particularly the ones your BIL is suffering from.

YANBU to be concerned about his behaviour with your DD. Just make sure you are there at all times and if you think he is overstepping the mark, then cut in and say "thats not on" or something. I hate other people disciplining my child when I am there too. Like you say, its not their job.

Um, I think YABU for wanting him to snap out of it. A bit of empathy goes a long way.

In this situation, I would say take it slowly, one step at a time, and deal with issues as/if they arise.

Oh, no! I would never shout at one of my family members for, say, giving her a bit too much food or letting her watch TV (not that it's an issue right now as she's too young). I know they've raised kids and trust them. But they are careful, as I guess you would be with someone else's child. For example, they ring me to say, "Can we do such and such a thing?" even about really small things where the best response is usually, "Sure, if you think that's a good idea!"

DD is a bit too young right now for me to explain anything, she's still a small baby. I'm just scared about BIL becoming attached to her and wanting to spend more time with her. I can explain it to her in the future, but that doesn't mean it won't have a negative impact on her to be screamed at by a grown man for something she's allowed to do at home.

Your most important job is to protect your child and if your DP doesn't/won't listen, you'll have to try talking to him again.

Whilst it doesn't seem fair to completely disallow BIL to see/meet your dd, with his behaviour so eratic and with the possible diagnosis of schizophrenia, I would be cautious. Perhaps meet in a restaurant for lunch or invite your/his parents round at the same time, just so there are more people there to watch him and your dd. There is nothing to say he needs to be left alone with dd.

I would raise your concerns again to your DP and maybe show him this thread once a few more people have answered. You don't want him to scare your dd so she won't want to see him again. I think the meeting needs to be quite controlled so that he doesn't get upset/angry.

Oh she's a baby. Well I don't see there's a problem with letting BIL get fond of her as long as you explain, when she asks, why he's different to everyone else. Which she will.

She will meet many different kinds of people over the course of her life and have to accept them as they are. As long as she knows that most are in fact like you and your family, not like BIL.

Have you read up on schizophrenia? Perhaps there's a good website/helpline you could look at/call to get more information about how to successfully integrate sufferers into family situations. Until your DP's BIL has been correctly diagnosed, I would remain extremely cautious, especially with your baby dd. That might sounds harsh but schizophrenia is a serious illness if not carefully controlled.

I don't think you are being unreasonable now wanting your daughter to be subjected to him, if all he does is yell at his other nieces and nephews.