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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to want 24 year old brattish niece to come to stay

23 replies

Athrawes · 13/06/2010 23:14

I live in NZ and my lovely SIL and husband are suggesting a visit to us when babe will be four months. They came last year before we were pregnant and brought their daughter, 23. Flew her business class, arranged their whole trip around her skiing demands. The whole visit was really stressful what with her demands, behaviour, refusal to take part and expectation that we would buy her drinks and special foods. Basically a toddler in the body of a 23 year old.
SIL has suggested that the niece come with them next time too. I don't want her in my house and will not be able to be nice to her and that will make SIL sad. It would just be nicer if she wasn't there.

OP posts:

ShinyAndNew · 13/06/2010 23:17

Your SIL is my mum? Seriously that sounds remarkably like my youngest sister.

I find ignoring her demands and berating my mum for giving into her helps.

YANBU.

AnyFucker · 13/06/2010 23:17

I think she is an adult and you are perfectly within your rights to refuse to have her

Your house, your rules

caramelwaffle · 13/06/2010 23:18

Yanbu

scurryfunge · 13/06/2010 23:18

Strongly suggest to her that you are looking forward to their visit but will only be able to accommodate them without their daughter...she is old enough not to tag along with her parents.

thelunar66 · 13/06/2010 23:23

She may have changed since you last saw her (clutches straws)

If there is a tiny baby around, she may act differently.

Original poster

Athrawes · 13/06/2010 23:24

Niece is an over indulged only child - maybe this is how I will be with my baby. How can I tell her mum that I don't want her child in my house! I think it would be devastating to be told "we want you but not your kid". Bank of Dad has just paid for five years at Uni whilst she effed around eventually getting a rubbish degree - they think the sun shines...they just don't SEE how she is even though it is obvious to the whole of the rest of the family.

OP posts:

Firawla · 13/06/2010 23:29

Will you have less room because of the baby, maybe you could say that as a reason? Or hopefully maybe she has matured a bit since last time (you never know...)
but omg @ a 23, 24 yr old behaving like that, like a spoiled child, its way too old for that she should have known better a long time ago. i am 23 myself, she sounds soo immature!

scurryfunge · 13/06/2010 23:29

You will have to be blunt, I'm afraid....it may be awkward but you have your sanity to preserve! Either be explicit about how she should behave (probably not possible)or tell her you will be far too busy with a baby to indulge look after her needs

mjinhiding · 13/06/2010 23:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BecauseImWorthIt · 13/06/2010 23:34

I'm sorry, but I think YABU. YANBU to think she's a spoilt brat, but to not allow her to come and visit is BU.

If they're coming to see you and a new baby, then you act like you are the stars that you are. Don't make any efforts to accommodate her, beyond normal courtesy. Make it clear that your baby is the star of the show.

And, you never know, she may have changed since you last saw her.

But don't exclude her.

expatinscotland · 13/06/2010 23:34

I'd lay down some serious ground rules and make them clear to both her and SIL/husband.

No freeloading, no special foods unless she buys them and prepares them herself, no things going according to her behaviour.

SirBoobAlot · 13/06/2010 23:43

YANBU to dislike the idea of her coming to visit, but you would be being VU to exclude her from the holiday, and meeting her new cousin. If there is room for them all, you need to invite them all. However, having a small baby may act as a wonderful "tool" to focus her attention elsewhere - and also give you an excuse to leave the room if she is driving you bonkers

Original poster

Athrawes · 13/06/2010 23:48

I think that I will have to do as the last three posts suggest and suck it up. Last visit she had not graduated and everyone was pretty much under instruction not to upset her as she had exams coming up. But she is done now and so maybe I will just have to be a bit more gumptiony - "you know where the supermarket/wood chopping axe/liquor store is". We have other nephews and nieces of the same age who I would willingly have stay for months on end. Hopefully with the new baby I will descend into me me me behaviour myself and just not put up with her crap. Or I could suggest she sleep in the nursery with the baby!

OP posts:

Vallhala · 13/06/2010 23:58

Bugger that! I'd be inclined to say that as I have a 4mo baby, not only is there limited room, but also family life centres around babe's routines, which would be SO boring for a young woman. Point out that you are no longer free to serve drop everything and go out and about with your niece.

Failing that, I'm afraid that I'm in the "your house, your rules" camp and if I didn't want her there I wouldn't have her. I disagree with the poster who argued that you should make her welcome as she is the child of your SIL. She may be offspring, but she is no longer a child and the parents can't reasonably expect to take her along.

Quattrocento · 14/06/2010 00:06

You can't NOT have close relatives to stay. Pesky but inevitable.

What you need to do is talk to the daughter. Really properly talk - preferably in advance of any visit

Funkycherry · 14/06/2010 00:14

Can you express concern that she might be bored this time round as you can't be as 'flexible' as last time due to the babys demands?

Original poster

Athrawes · 14/06/2010 00:50

The prospect of having her in the house for two weeks fills me with dread. But - thanks for all the suggestions - I think I will raise lack of spare room as one route. If parents insist on bringing her (plus boyfriend...did I mention that, he is actually very nice and would at least keep her entertained and washes up etc - just a normal 24 year old) then they may need to consider renting somewhere for the duration. I won't SAY this - because I do think that is unreasonable - but hope they might work out themselves that an extra four people in the house is a lot. They are loaded so cost is not an issue.
I should have been firmer last time she stayed - have made a rod etc in not having been a good firm expectations aunty from the start.
Honestly I think I will have failed if mine turns out this bad. Poor darling much missed SIL just has no idea.

OP posts:

ViveLeCliche · 14/06/2010 00:51

Agree with Funkycherry's very diplomatic approach. I would try that route first - only possibility is that it may be too subtle but it would give you the opportunity to try and set some boundaries without causing offence.

Original poster

Athrawes · 14/06/2010 00:52

And this time if she wants to take 30 minute showers she can bloody well go chop the wood to heat the water herself! (yes, where we live IS a little prehistoric but pretty!)

OP posts:

tweetymum · 14/06/2010 01:24

Oh God, we had this with my 30yo cousin. I had DD 6mo then, and she (the cousin, not the baby) was a Nightmare. Refused to eat the food I prepared, was a lot of stress all the time, refused to do anything, refused to enjoy all the trips we had planned, told me that she 'would shoot herself rather than live in the country!' (in front of DH and MIL) (which got DH so cross!!!), and I swear, when she left, we both just looked at each other and sighed and said never again!!

All this was done if front of my (lovely) MIL, who thought we were nutters for having her stay. In fact her memorable line when cousin refused to eat the nice fish pie I had made 'if she was in my house, she wouldn't have a choice but eat it!'

So, OP, YANBU, but please if you do have her lay down the ground rules with a firm hand and do not give in for fear of upsetting the parents. Please, otherwise you will end up totally nuts!

Original poster

Athrawes · 14/06/2010 01:35

It is possible that she may choose not to come this time - that the utter boredom of our small town, no shopping, walks in the woods, visit the seals, no nightclubs, throw more coal on the fire lifestyle may have embedded as too dull for words despite the freeloading delights of having BIL law pay for the round the world ticket. She, like tweetymum's 30 year old, obviously saw no point in bring here last time except to tolerate us long enough before making mum and dad take her snowboarding. Without some her-focused bonus to the trip she might not come! Hurrah!

OP posts:

tweetymum · 14/06/2010 02:59

Good luck Athrawes, hopefully you'll be spared the stress. Especially with a 4 month old!

In my case, cousin turned up because her husband was on a business trip for 2 days and she 'couldn't possibly be by herself for all that time!!!'. I have learned my lesson pretty thoroughly.

DecorHate · 14/06/2010 06:56

How about suggesting that as where you live was a but boring for niece last time, maybe she & boyfriend should only visit you for a couple of days and then go off to see some other parts of the country under their own steam while her parents stay on with you and they could all meet up again at the end?

I do feel for you - my brother & SIL came to visit last year with their dcs. The eldest was late teens (brothers SD) and while she is not at all brattish (though uses far too many towels!) it was difficult as she and her boyfriend (who also came) clearly did not enjoy a lot of the daytrips. They sort of had to bring her along but would have worked better if she had gone off to do her own thing for part of it (in fact that is what did happen after she had a big row with her mother!)

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