To forget to confirm a casual arrangement with my sister?

[ASecretLemonadeDrinker]

My sister has one hell of an attitude. I posted about her the other day because I saw on FB her status changed to single, but I didn't know what to do because she chews you apart for no reason. I messaged her the other day that did she want to meet up before I have my baby (10 days) as afterwards I get pretty housebound. She said she was in area on 12th and we could meet for lunch. I said I'd let her know as DH may have work. No reply from her (she didn't even say "how are you?" or anything) and I just forgot. In the meantime I have been in hospital, having baby turned with a risk of C/S, which is still there because baby keeps turning, both cars died on the day of it and I ended up going in alone and it's been full on ever since. My sister has recently said she wants nothing to do with my mum because she dared to tell my aunt (mums sister) that my sister was coming to Ireland soon, my sister said she didn't want mum mum making arrangements etc, and all she did was say she was going to Ireland, not exactly planning meetings for them all. I was waiting for my turn, left her to see if she said happy birthday (she did on FB) which is when I messaged her back. Now she has messaged me
" Many thanks for having the courtesy to get back to me about meeting up yesterday. Most polite. "

I messaged back

"Jesus, sorry, I was in Frimley as the baby keeps turning and if he doesn't turn I have to have a c-section, my head is all over the place, sorry xx "

and she has just replied

"plenty of time to b on facebook tho"

and I have replied -

"I have been talking to friends trying to arrange transport/childcare, I just didn't think about yesterday, I am so so sorry x "

I am sorry, but FGS I have two DSs (4 and 22m), DS3 is high risk for Downs or Dwarfism, he keeps turning so I am constantly googling for info on breech births, c-sections, breastfeeding with downs syndrome, DH is working his arse off and has taken a 2nd job and has to keep up his training, I don't expect her to actually use some of her free time to visit me and give me a tiny hand, but I don't expect her to think the world revolves around her, or at least maybe that she could suck it up if I was being terribly terribly rude. No offers of help when I had to go in for possible C/S on my own (which I don't expect) but then all hell breaks loose when I forget to confirm a lunch I was too scared to go to anyway.

Shall I just carry on being terribly terribly sorry (my mum tried this and she still cut her off) or tell her to piss off (no one ever has - she used to beat me and mum would still pander to her).

She is 27 by the way, not a young teen

And she cut my dad off forever because he went bankrupt without anyone knowing and she went to get a contract phone with my mum and was declined and "has never been so embarrassed and ashamed in her life" etc. etc. That was a good 10 years ago, never spoke to him again.

She sounds like a twat, I wouldn't give the time of day until she gets out of her little world where everything revolves around her.

Your poor parents

i'mnot sure why you'd want to keep on apologising

just let her know when the baby comes and leave contact after that up to her

Tell her to fuck off.

Stupid, selfish bitch.

Thing is, if I say "look, grow up" or something she will be on the phone doing the poor me routine on everyone. She has everyone eating out of her hand - she even told my form tutor at school I used to beat her and my tutor hated me after that (a nun aswell) and never believed me. Thing is I just knew my turn was coming, I would love to rip into her once and for all (when I had my first DH and I lived at mym mums because our house took forever and a day to get to exchange) and she came and trashed the place all the time so I would have to wake at 6am every morning before the MW visits to clear her mess. She ignores my mum is she asks her a question, just totally ignores her. She lived at my mums not only rent free but while working full time, at least 25k, mum paid her car insurance, gave her money etc. etc. She should have been kicked into touch years ago. I'll never forget my mum and dad standing in the doorway of my bedroom staring at me when I screamed and screamed at them to sort her out - she has gotten me to the floor (again) and jumped on me over and over. They did nothing. I dunno if I should play the long game though, pretend almost I am the sap she thinks I am and grovel to the cow come home with a little guilt tripping thrown in for good measure. She even said to my DH, WRT my mum "I'm only in it for the money" - I told my mum after sister cut her off, to try and show my mum my sister isn't the victim - my sister is the golden child who went to uni (doesn't use degree, lovely waste of money) but has told me that she is definatly going to my mum in a home - I am the one who gets slagged off for not having a degree and all that, but I am always there for my mum, no matter what shit she has thrown at me (even blaming me having too many kids too young on potential problems with DS3) even walking the dogs when mum went on holiday when my sister was living there! All the time I think about my mums future, no matter how nasty she is to me, because I wouldn't even see my MIL in a home , let alone my mum. But my mum is still pandering to her, just about to sell her holday appartment (which I sorted her with as a long term investment to sell when she retires) to give my sister the money, to appease her. Grrr, what a shower of bastards.

Personally I would cut her off dead.

Completely toxic imo.

Good luck with the birth.

YANBU she sounds like she needs to grow up. Sadly behaviour like this seems to be becoming more common. - we seem to be breeding whole generations of brats like this who think the world owes them a living. She seriously needs to take her head out of her arse.

AH, I'll leave her to fester in her weirdo-ness , then it can't be turned on me. TBH I don't know how her boyfriend put up with her for so long, she really is a headcase.

I wouldn't do either-just stick to ignoring her odd statements in a dignified silence. Don't cut her off and don't be rude. If she questions it just say that you can't be bothered with petty disagreements.

Your sister sounds extremely poisonous and your parents have to bear part of the blame for allowing her to be such a spoilt brat.

For your own sake (and your DCn's too), walk away from it all. You don't need this kind of aggro. If your mum won't see past what is obvious, leave her to her delusions, you're doing yourself no favours there.

You are doing with your mum what your mum is doing with your sister - desperately seeking approval from the person least likely to give it. Break the pattern, stop it in yourself and leave the other 2 (who sound like a match pair, tbh) to get on with it by themselves.

that you have to deal with this kind of family crap - it's always such a let down when family are like this, but so many of them are to some extent.

I like the ignoring idea. Don't feed the real life troll!

Hope everything works out for the birth.

Why don't you just not contact her any more? Don't reply to her message. Will she contact you do you think?

And who cares if she does the poor me thing?

I could see her point if you were on facebook pissing about with your mates and generally chatting, but you weren't, were you?

You've said sorry. You've explained. Someone with anything about them would be more concerned for you in your situation. But no. She expected you to do all the running re the meet. She could have contacted you to say do you know what the plans are yet, but she sat back and waited. She could have phoned the night before and said you didn't get back to me, what are the arrangements. But she sat, waiting for you.

Why do you need her, hell why do you need any of them! in your life?

All the was on FB wall was people trying to help me out as I was just about to go into hospital and the cars both ended up in the garage in the hour or so before, then someone asked how pregnancy was going etc. as I am due soon. I won't do as my mum did and try and work out how many times I have to message sorry or whatever, ball is in her court with the last message. She obviously knew I'd forget and probably couldn't believe her luck when I did and she could message me today. She forgot DSs (her godchild) birthday - I don't give a rats arse about presents, but a 50p card would have been lovely for him (he is 4) but it's really like , even if it's not taking it away from herself, she hates anyone else to have attention. She even begrudges me my life, my mum said she told her "why does lemonade get boyfriends etc. ", going on in that vein when my ex was a total scumbag and I just put up with it. I can tell she is jealous that (on paper at least) I have a house, car, husband, soon to be 3 kids, "don't have to work" and thinks she should have that and I shouldn't. If only she knew what it's really like

Ignore Ignore Ignore!! And yes your parents have helped to make this monster. Blimey you have some patience girl!

Good luck with the baby. Concentrate on your real family i.e. you dp/dh and your dcs.

ASLD - how would you feel if she wasn't in your life any more? WOuld it feel as though a weight had been lifted? Or do you feel duty-bound to love her because she is your sister?

Cos frankly, I don't believe in this "blood is thicker than water" stuff - if people are poisonous and make you feel bad, get rid of 'em, regardless of who they are.

Agree with thumbwitch. I don't bother with my bro now, as he hasn't bothered with me. His loss and I don't really miss him. His family are all pretty selfish and don't bother with my mum who's nearly 80.

Hope you can toughen up a bit and dump her but only you know deep down if you can do this?

TBH I don't want to dump her, it's not like she is in my face being nasty all the time, she is just a shitbag. She is already at an arms length, I go 6+m without seeing her anyway that for a brief moment of satisfaction, in the long term it's not overly worth cutting her off/telling her what I think of her. Just enjoyed having a good rant I'll just keep nodding and smiling, it's not as if she is going to come and visit when I have DS3 or anything

OK - but can you tell me what value she adds to your life? I'm not for one second suggesting that you do have a go at her, or make a big thing out of cutting her out of your life - but why are you hanging on to her? Is it to keep your Mum happy?

Am interested in your thoughts, not trying to push you into anything.

nothing, she adds nothing and takes more than ever gives - total drain but I would feel worse than I do now if I cut her off.

Are you sure? Why? Would you feel guilty? And would that relate to your mother or to your own feelings?

Sorry if I'm being pushy, I hate to see people sucked into keeping in touch with truly horrible relations just because they are relations, so I try to understand the reasons why.

Oh stop the contact!

How could you possibly feel worse if you cut her off?

I´d be thinking of not bothering with parents, either tbh.

Not sure why I would feel guilty, she won't lose any sleep, just I can handle her being a cow, it's her problem although it upsets me from time to time, I can eventually brush it off and forget it but at least it's on my shoulders rather than passed off onto anyone else, i.e just incase she does get affected if I cut her off. I wouldn't give much of a toss if she wanted nothing more to do with me, but I don't want to be the one who has to make that decision and then think/wonder about it down the line. I am not staying in contact for my mums sake.

So it seems you are most concerned about not being seen to be the "bad guy" in general. In which case, just leave it that she has to instigate contact, and you only respond when she does.

"Anyone else" can look after themselves - there is no reason in the world for you to continue to be your sister's punchbag just to save "anyone else" from being so.

You can handle her being a cow because you have always had to - but how much nicer it would be not to have to!

She is thriving on her power over you - she knows that even if she can't physically jump all over you, she can still mentally do so. Don't give her the satisfaction - let her rot in her own selfish little world while you get on with your own real life, with your own family.

Sorry again - couldn't help myself there!

I don't care how people percieve me, I just don't want to be the one to put something onto someone, I feel then I am being no better than them. Up to a point, as far as I am concerned I have cut her off. Can't be fucked with her, but she can have the little victory if that's when she wants. I'll wish her happy birthday, merry christmas and she can do what she likes with that. I have just seen she has deleted her ex from FB (they were together a good few years), she is obviously on a poor me rampage. No doubt I will be deleted soon