Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - DD and clothes when shes at her dads.

28 replies

schmontilidrop · 13/06/2010 09:15

because im tearing my hair about about it.
Basically DD goes to her dads every other weekend. For which i pack a bag with everything she needs. He has recently brought her a few things to keep at his like dressing gown, slippers and she has towells, toothpaste etc..... all there. But i pack clothes, shoes, hair things.

Im on my own and a work, DD is a nursery. I maybe only do 2/3 loads of washing a week ( of clothes). One light. One colours. One dark.
Bedding and towells are done as well. Just not in with the clothes.

Anyway, I started noticing i was struggling to find clothes for DD. SO i asked him if he had any of her clothes. He said he would check. Over the past few weeks i cant believe the amount of stuff thats come back!! HUGE amounts thats been sitting at his while ive been struggling to clothe her.

I noticed a few of the nicer items i was still missing and i said to him friday. His ssaid yes, he had ' found them' and would return them. She came back yesterday and he didnt bring them. Said they were in the wash.

Ive told him not to wash her stuff to send it back dirty and ill do it. I dont have enough clothes for her for him to keep things at his for her to wear for less than 48 hours every 2 weeks. He pays below the minimun maintence, and im always struggling.

I dont know what to do any more. I said that if he wants to get her some things and keep there, then of course he can and ill just send her in one set of clothes.

aibu? or any ideas?

OP posts:
FabIsGettingFit · 13/06/2010 09:18

Buy cheap stuff from Asda and send that. Don't send any good stuff. Tell him he needs to buy more things and pay you what he should for his daughter or you will go down the legal route.

Original poster
schmontilidrop · 13/06/2010 09:28

Most of her stuff is cheap! lol
But, that doesnt mean i dont still need it/notice when its missing.
The nicer bits are normally brough by others and are for going out on the weekend, or anywhere thats not nursery or at the park or whatever. SO i do send a mixture of stuff for her when shes at his.

I dont get why he cant just stick in back in her bag. He said im being awkward and some of the things he would of paid for with his money that he gives as maintence.

Hes being a twat i think.

OP posts:
nannynick · 13/06/2010 09:32

Keep the good stuff at your house. Send DD with the low cost general wear items. Her dad can always get her some good stuff to keep at his place, if DD wants clothes of that type at dads.

Original poster
schmontilidrop · 13/06/2010 09:36

Ok - so ill do that. But i expect he will still keep things there that i send. Its annoying. Plus actually we need the cheap things for nursery ( four days a week) and the park, or just pottering in the garden at home.

Yesterday he brought back 2 pairs of joggers a skirt, 2 nice tops and 2 cheap ones that i didnt even know were missing.... but not the top i had actually requested. And in the meatime im scrabbling around in the morning in a race trying to find certain clothes and not being able to work out where they have gone.

OP posts:
Original poster
schmontilidrop · 13/06/2010 09:37

and you know what its like in the morning. DD is 4. I get her clothes out, but cant find t shirts that go, or clean joggers, or anything that matches for nursery... and thats because the fucker has it at his for 12/14 days just sat there.

Stuff i brought and paid for. That DD needs on a daily basis.

OP posts:
AlCrowley · 13/06/2010 09:50

Why not send her in just the clothes she's wearing next time? That way he will have to use the clothes he has at his house for her and she might end up sending her back wearing them.

If you send her in really cheap stuff, you might end up with better stuff back?

sumum · 13/06/2010 10:13

why don't you get him a bag of clothes to live there and just send her in one set, he would only need two or three sets to be left at his house and a couple of pjs.

It would then be one less job for you to do each time she goes.

Original poster
schmontilidrop · 13/06/2010 10:30

but why should i buy clothes for her to have at his.
His a grown man. He works full time and lives with his gf who works full time. They have no children.

Im on my own, working part time. Looking after dd on my own 12/14 days. Why should i provide for him beacuse he is too crap to put things back in her bag?

Hes 31 not 13.

OP posts:
FabIsGettingFit · 13/06/2010 10:31

Because it is your daughter that will suffer.

twopeople · 13/06/2010 10:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
schmontilidrop · 13/06/2010 10:44

She not suffering beacuse hes keeping things at his - lets not over dramatise this.

Its actually me suffering having to buy more stuff, or race about in the morning getting stressed trying to find clothes.

All he has to do is make sure she brings her dirty stuff home. Its not that hard.

Im going to tell DD ( when shes not ill) to make sure she brings back her clothes. She puts her dirty stuff in the laundry here, so should be capable of rembering to bring her things back.

If a 4 year old can remember to put things in a bag, surely a grown man should be able to remember?

OP posts:
123andaway · 13/06/2010 10:56

This would really bother me to, YANBU!

My kids go to their dads with the stuff they need for the time the are there, and it all comes back with them, usually washed. I would be more than slightly pissed off if he started keeping it there. Obviously the occasional bit gets forgotted/lost but on the whole he's very good.

I think you need to make it clear to him that DD needs her clothes during the week, and that by not sending them home you are struggling to find her suitable clothing. Let him know you need everything back with her, washed or unwashed. I know you've already told him, but spell it out, they can be a bit slow sometimes!

If he's still keeping it after that, then TBH I would send her in what she is wearing, and let him sort it out. Even if she endss up wearing the same outfit for a couple of days it won't hurt her.

mjinhiding · 13/06/2010 11:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

shoshe · 13/06/2010 11:08

Dont send clothes, just what she is wearing, that is what Ex DDIL did in the end, with her exp, she never got the kids clothes back, so knew that there was some at their fathers house, so didnt send any more.

He complained, but she said there was stuff not come back, so must be some at his house, he then complained they had outgrown them, 'buy some bigger then' was her reply.

He tried the 'but I give you maintenance' took him to the CSA when he stopped the clothes price out of it,

He ended up having to pay more than he was originally.

DS has always bought and kept clothes for his DD(exDDIL's oldest Child) at his, replaces as needed, has bought some nice pieces for weddings etc, knew she wouldnt get anymore wear from them before outgrowing so has sent them home for 'do's' with Mum.

Original poster
schmontilidrop · 13/06/2010 11:08

ive spoken to him again ( to update him on the chicken pox situation)
and said that we need to come up with a solution and that im not nagging, but like you say 123, DD NEEDS that stuff. She has a limited wardrobe as shes just growning so quickly, i do not have tons of spare stuff for her and we do miss things if they arent there.

I dont expect him to wash stuff. Id rather he sent it back dirty then kept it, for two weeks to wash it.

He said its a waste of money him buying stuff to keep at his ( which it is). So he said he woiuld try harder with remembering to return stuff.

We shall see.

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 13/06/2010 11:09

Your DD at 4 ought to be able to pack her own things - my DD (5.7) has been packing her things for ages, and would certainly miss things. Get your DD to be responsible for her own stuff and your problem will be solved.

Original poster
schmontilidrop · 13/06/2010 11:13

DD doesnt have a step mum. His GF is 19!!!!

Of course she can bring stuff back from there, thats fine, and she takes things there and leaves them. thats also fine.

Its just the clothes situation. I just cant afford to keep buying stuff to replace what hes too lazy to put back in a bag.

Ill tell DD to put her dirty clothes back in a bag ( ill buy her a pink swimming type bag or something). Thats no different to me telling her to put her dirty clothes in her laundry basket at home. ( which is also a pink drawstring bag, which hangs on the back of her door.)

OP posts:
hairytriangle · 13/06/2010 11:18

Why don't you just sit down sensibly and talk to him so he understands the issue? How come he's paying 'less than the minimum'?

hairytriangle · 13/06/2010 11:18

Why don't you just sit down sensibly and talk to him so he understands the issue? How come he's paying 'less than the minimum'?

nickschick · 13/06/2010 11:18

Get her 2 pairs of joggers or jeans and 2 shirts with relevant underwear and they can be 'daddys house clothes' if you buy them in tesco/asda it wont be much over £10.

Then you dont need to send her with anything-its there.

mjinhiding · 13/06/2010 11:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

lazarusb · 13/06/2010 11:23

My ex used to but clothes and toys for ds but only to use/keep at his house. He wasn't allowed to show us anything he'd got for xmas/birthdays etc. I suggest that you send her in one set of clothes and let him buy anything else she needs. He is her father after all, you shouldn't have to buy everything, no matter what he contributes maintenance wise.

sheepgomeep · 13/06/2010 12:16

I am a stepmum too to girls aged 8 and 6 and we have a similar issue with clothes. Unfortunately thier clothes do get mixed up with my daughters stuff as they all share a bedroom and as I have 4 kids it does get confusing as to who has what and what belongs to who.

Thier mum can't afford to replace clothes and we do tell dp girls to keep thier stuff in a seperate pile so it can go straight back into thier bag but they always forget and then we are hunting round for clothes for them to take back

It's not something thats done on purpose and it must be annoying. In fact I'm going to his ex house this afternoon to drop off a school shirt that the eldest left behind but I'm going to asda to buy some spare stuff so its not too bad if they leave things behind. We already have pj's and dressing gowns etc

Original poster
schmontilidrop · 13/06/2010 13:12

I sort of think having ' seperate daddys house clothes' is a bit crap though. Why cant she just have her clothes. i feel it makes it worse to seperate it out, especially if there is a marked difference between her normal stuff and ' daddys house clothes'. I mean, would you like to be forced to wear the same outfit, every other weekend?

Nope.

Ill talk to her about putting dirty stuff in her laundry bag. He had just moved so now she will have her own room.. it should be easier, and if he makes an effort too.

Still pisses me off though

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 13/06/2010 13:19

"Your DD at 4 ought to be able to pack her own things"

You can't make a four year old pack her own stuff when she's going to stay with her dad/back to her mum!

Poor little thing.