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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I will probably be single for a long time if not forever?

18 replies

what2donow · 13/06/2010 00:14

I don't see any prospect, either short or long term of meeting anyone I consider suitable. I'm not prepared to be in a relationship for the sake of it because I would prefer to be on my own, rather than be with the wrong person.

I was in love with someone who in many ways was everything I wanted in a man. However he wasn't free to be with me and in the end I walked away a year or so ago. Haven't met anyone since (nor before for that matter) who I felt that way about, and will be on my own til I do.

AIBU to think like this?

RL friends are constantly saying that attractive, confident and vivacious as I am, they cannot understand why I am single, or why I am not married off by now. I do feel the subtext is they either think I'm too fussy, or still pining over what I cant have. I don't think either is true.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 13/06/2010 00:17

yanbu

sometimes you just prefer your own company...me too alot of the time actually

ShinyAndNew · 13/06/2010 00:18

YABU. I met Dh without ever leaving the comfort of my own home. You never know what is around the corner. Be positive.

Original poster
what2donow · 13/06/2010 00:33

It's not so much that I prefer my own company, just that the alternatives are so bad!

I generally know very quickly when I meet a man for the first time whether I could be interested or not. And 99% of the time the answer is not.

I tried online dating and found it rather depressing. I was a magnet for all kinds of unintelligent, unattractive (both looks and personality) men.

OP posts:
blueshoes · 13/06/2010 00:34

I met dh once I had made peace with being single for life.

It is a good frame of mind to get into for when Mr Right walks into your life. It could be tomorrow.

Just make sure you keep socialising - does not have to be with a view to finding a partner - and quickly ending those that are not suitable (like that man a year ago - well done for walking away).

It will happen. Tis the law of averages, especially for a confident vivacious woman like you.

blueshoes · 13/06/2010 00:36

That online dating is not wasted. It prunes away the unrealistic expectations. When you meet your gem, even if you may not have considered him previously, you will know your heart and mind.

You know what they say about meeting Prince Charming and kissing frogs (figuratively of course).

Original poster
what2donow · 13/06/2010 00:49

blueshoes - I can assure you I have kissed more than my fair share of frogs thus far. I guess the benefit is it does make me very aware of what I dont want!

OP posts:
scrab806ble · 13/06/2010 04:27

Do you want to meet someone? You don't have to, sounds like you have a fulfilling life anyway. If you do, you can be proactive as suggested above, if not...enjoy yourself as you are.
By the way, there probably is no subtext in your friends enquiries, beyond genuine surprise that you have not met someone who appreciates you for what you are.
You sound great, you don't need a Prince Charming!
(Wanting one is a different matter...)

BitOfFun · 13/06/2010 04:30

poshsinglemum?

Original poster
what2donow · 13/06/2010 12:45

BoF - no, not psm, though I can see why you might think that.

OP posts:
thesecondcoming · 13/06/2010 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

greenbananas · 13/06/2010 19:38

Like blueshoes, I totally made peace with being single for life and never having any children. I suppose I was a bit sad about it but had decided it was just one of those things. I met DH one rainy evening when I had dropped off all my clothes to the launderette and taken refuge in a nearby pub with my book. I was dressed in a pair of dreadful old jeans and not feeling sociable but we got chatting and I knew immediately that we were going to be friends. He was still single at 39 and I think his parents had totally given up on him getting married. We decided very quickly that it would be a good idea to 'go into partnership' so were engaged only a few weeks later and married within 9 months.

I say this to cheer you up and show you that all is not lost. If you just get on with life, your future partner might turn up when you are least expecting it.

piscesmoon · 13/06/2010 19:52

I agree with greenbananas. I had had one DC and wanted a partner and more DCs. It all worked out in the end, with 2 more DCs. I take the view 'if it is meant to be, it will be'. Do the things that you want to do, be generally sociable and surprises can turn up when you least expect them! Good luck!

IsGraceAvailable · 13/06/2010 19:59

YANBU. Nearly every man I ever dated proposed. This doesn't mean I am the perfect woman (haha). It meant I was aiming too low, and they wanted to nail me down before I woke up.

The two I did marry were abusers, which imo proves the point that my expectations were nowhere near high enough. Being 'wanted' doesn't mean very much, in the greater scheme of things.

Funny how everybody's so keen for you to get the shackles on, isn't it? I should have stayed single until (and if) somebody truly life-enhancing came along. So should you.

poshsinglemum · 13/06/2010 20:11

I'm not always like this too you know- but actually I do think I will be single for some time. Rather - I HAVE been single for a long time and I am sadly getting used to it.

Because dd is so young I just don't feel that I have an opportunity to socialise and even when I did I found lots of frogs. Inc dds dad. I didn't enjoy my long-term relationship.

Sorry to hijack in such a bleak way. I'm sure you will find someone soon and hopefully I will one day. I love someone but he's taken.

Sn0wflake · 13/06/2010 20:13

Drama groups are quite good mileage. That's where I met DH.

piscesmoon · 13/06/2010 20:18

I would suggest taking up running-join a running club.

sincitylover · 13/06/2010 20:47

But being single is not necessarily bleak in any way.

Instead it is a really valid way to live esp if you have been in abusive relationship or marriage and/or have met someone who you love but can't have.

Don't see anything unreasonable in thinking the way you do and to suggest that women need a partner or should be constantly waiting for one is rubbish.

It's prob because you are so attractive, vivacious and confident that you don't need to settle.

In my own situation I think well if someone exceptional happens along then that's great but also seem to have quite a full life without.

Also I want to give my dcs priority, I think they deserve it tbh after the detitrius of divorce etc - my exh got a new p within about four months of us splitting and that has made quite a negative impact on how much he sees them and how much they have had to adapt.

I already feel stretched by my ft job, house and dcs and would only want a ft relationship if it enhanced my life not provided a drain on me or detracted from my dcs.

I can't keep up with existing friends as it is, I do love to go out at any opportunity and have managed to have company and fun with men without it imposing on my dcs lives. That seems to suit me for now.

Perhaps when I am an OAP I may wish to live with someone for companionship/security.

sincitylover · 13/06/2010 20:50

PS I am not anti family or marriage or relationship in any way - I was at a family event today and felt quite wistful that my exh was not at all like some of the fathers present - ie involved and having fun with their dcs.

Just that I don't see how that can be recreated now (my dcs are 13 and 8) and berated myself for bad choice of h in the first place.

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