to wish my dad would stop constantly talking about this woman?

[Megatron]

I'll try to keep this brief. My mum died 4 weeks ago. I am totally devastated and so is my dad. They were together for 45 years, married for 42 and he is totally heartbroken by her death. One of my mums friends, who called every day when mum was ill to see how she was, has been very supportive to him, helpful etc but I am completely fed up hearing him talking about how wonderful she has been. I am doing my best coping with my own grief for my mum, trying to support him as best I can but I do not need to hear about this woman every single time I have a conversation with him. I know I sound like a whingy child rather than a woman in her 30s but I'm beginning to wish she would just fuck off. I KNOW my dad is devastated, I KNOW he will never get over my mum, I KNOW that it's good he has someone similar in age and experiences (she lost her husband last year) for him to talk to so why do I feel so pissed off about this. Am I just being pathetic?

I think you are being a bit unreasonable - you sound jealous.

why would you be pissed off that your grieving father has a friend?

I know I sound jealous, I don't really feel that way. I just feel that this woman is kind of 'taking over' a bit. I went round this morning to sort through some of my mums things (like my dad asked me to) and she'd been in and done it already and I hate the though of her going through my mum's things. I've hardly seen him in the last two weeks because he's spent so much time with her.

Megatron
I know exactkt what you mean and YANBtotallyU but you need to try and seperate your emotions.

I had this with my mum.
My dad dies and she imediately started talking about this man who was being such a support. She and my dad were also together for over 50 years so it was a shock.

What was upsetting me was that I expected us to all grieve together but it was as if there was someone else intruding.
I loved that she had some support but she talked about him all the time and it felt like a betrayal of my father. I felt betrayed too which may sound odd but I did.
I was also a little ashamed that what I had viewed as a huge love affair between her and my dad was being demeaned by her quickly shifting affections.

It is a few years on now and this man moved in with mum andthey are a couple.

I still find it difficult privately but show nothing but support to my mum.
She just could not be alone. After all those years she didn't know how to be without a man , how to be single.
She was scared and lonely and too old to change .
I try and realise that her feelings for my dad are seperate from that.

You are only human and it is difficult not to feel sad for your mums memory. But after these few years I realise that she just needs company and support and my dad would want her to have that.

I am very sorry for your loss. 4 weeks is not time to adjust. You need time to get used to things.

pagwatch, that's exactly how I feel. They were so much in love and she had such a terrible end and now I just feel as if it's all being pushed aside. I love my dad and I don't want him being miserable and lonely I just can't really deal with this. My mum said to me months ago that she knew that her friend 'was very fond' of dad and it really bothers me that she might have worried what would happen when she was gone. I just want my mum back.

Oh Megatron, I'm so sorry about your mother. And no, you are not being unreasonable to feel this way at all. You are grieving. And you want to share your grief with your father, but there is another presence. Finding out she'd been through your mother's things must have been very painful.

Great that your father has support but must be overwhelming for you.

Megatron - for your loss.
I do understand what you mean - pagwatch & edam have already said it, I think - your time of grieving is being intruded upon by someone who is outside it.

Your father is being a little insensitive to your grief - of course he is grieving too and maybe he is dealing with it by having this other woman around - but you might have to point out to him that he is trampling on your feelings somewhat.

Does she bring him food? When my Mum died, my Dad was warned of food-bearing women - apparently apple pies are the worst, they're definitely after him. (He hasn't had any apple pies yet). (Sorry if levity is misplaced here - it might be too early for that)

i can understand that you feel odd about this but as long as she is supportive to your dad then thats no bad thing, yes your dad is grieving and vunerable but anything to lessen the crushing lonliness and feeings that the person that you had living your life with and had unfinished future and dreams with is no bad distraction.
as long as there is nothing to suggest that he is being treated badly, this lady is a widow and could be a huge support to your dad and possibly you too.
your Dad will find it hugely supportive to be able to talk to someone wthout the emotional conection that you two share, he might need to say things that he wouldnt be able to say to you cos of not wanting to worry you maybe.
it must be hard for you as it sounds like you feel that this woman is standing between the two of you when you perhaps feel that it need to be just you and your dad for now.

She does make him food thumbwitch, I'm not sure if apple pie has been involved yet or not but I'll be asking. (levity more than welcome, I need it right now!) She's a nice woman, really she is and I probably sound a bit like a petulant child but I just want to have one conversation with my dad when she isn't mentioned about 20 times. He doesn't like being alone, he never has, mum used to constantly joke he never gave her 'any bloody peace' so I guess it's good he's got her company. I'm sorry about your mum too.

sorry i missed that she had been throu sorting your mums things, why did she do that, did your dad ask her to?

It was steak and kidney pie with my Grandad when my Grandma died. All these widows turned up bearing food like he was some helpless idiot. My mother was really pissed off, especially as her father was actually the cook in that household.

thanks Megatron - coming up 3 years now and I still haven't really dealt with it (was 19w pg when she died so mostly blocked it).

I think maybe you should try and have a conversation with your Dad to let him know how you are feeling - even if you preface it with "I feel like a bit of a petulant child here but..." - because after all, it is your family unit that has been broken up and you do deserve some time to grieve over it with your Dad, to support him and hopefully have him support you.

I think there might also be an element of pique in your reaction too - because your Dad is not turning to you for solace but to someone else.

If you don't mind me asking, do you have your own DH/DP who you can turn to for solace, or are you on your own? Because I guess that would make a difference to.

too.

Onlyjoking no, he asked me to do it this morning but when I got there she'd 'popped in' already and said she would just get on with it to 'save me the bother'. He can be such a softie that he would just have said ok then. I did it again anyway because I wanted to to smell her perfume on her coat and she would have wanted it to be me that did it, not anyone else. I just feel it really wasn't her place.

I do have my DH thumbwitch but to be honest he's a bit rubbish with anything remotely emotional. He seems to think I should be over it by now and I don't really feel I have anyone to really talk to about how I'm feeling. I have lovely friends but I'm really conscious of not wanted to be a miserable old boot every time I see them and I feel I have to put a happy face on so that my DC's don't see me upset. When dad and I do talk about mum we both end up getting upset and that doesn't help him.

Totally agree with you there, Megatron - it wasn't her place.

She sounds a bit pushy, actually.

I was tossing up whether or not to tell you this but I think I will anyway - when my uncle's 2nd wife died of cancer, her cousin became my uncle's "comfort" - very soon, they were in each others' pocket and eventually became a couple, marrying a few years later. My nan (a suspicious old bird but with good reason) always looked askance at this cousin, as she thought she was trying to "get her feet under the table" - and she was right. BUT - the cousin is the loveliest person and has been a real godsend to my uncle, so in the end it came good. The big difference in this scenario is that there were no children involved to be hurt that their Dad had moved on so quickly.

Do you feel that you might be able to ask her to take a few steps back?

i agree it wasn't her place to sort your mums stuff out unless she was asked by your dad.
IMHO 4 weeks is very early days to be sorting personal stuff out, it took me a year to be able to sort out my DHs stuff after he died i did it with the help of a very close friend of both mine and my DHs.
your dad might not be even able to consider how anyone else may feel just yet.
take care od yourself and make sure you have someone that you can talk to.

YANBU to feel like you do.

Do you think that your dad senses your ill ease about this woman, so goes on even more about her, to try to convince you what a support she is being?

He is maybe seeking your approval.

I think you need to tell him that you are finding it hard to cope with. But at the same time try to remain supportive and understanding of his position.

Very difficult. I'm so sorry for your loss Megatron.

i think in the early days you have a need to talk about the person that has died with anyone who knew them, its a way of working thngs out in your head.

I think if I ask her to take a few steps back it would really upset my dad and that's the last thing I want to do. I remember when my friend's mum died and her dad had a 'companion' a few months afterwards and she was so upset. I thought at the time that she was being a bit unfair on her dad and that he was entitled to companionship and support and I still feel that way. It's just bloody hard when it's your own dad and it's your mum you've lost isn't it? I think if there had been a bit of time passed I may feel slightly differently but it just seems that all of a sudden mums gone and this woman is there.

I agree with OJ - despite it upsetting you and your Dad to talk about your Mum, it is an important part of the grief and coming-to-terms process.

I am sorry your DH is so unsupportive - it was your Mum, ffs! I was lucky with DH - his dad had died when he was nearly 18 so he had some idea of what it was like (and he is very close to his Mum so the mere thought of losing her sets him off anyway).

I have to go now but thanks to all of you for your thoughts, they have given me something to think about and maybe get my feelings in check about this. Thanks again.

yes, so she is usurping your mum's position that she held for so many years.
It feels a bit disrespectful to your mum's memory, no?

Do you think then that you can talk to your Dad about your feelings? They are as valid as his, despite him having lost his life partner - you've lost your mum. For your own sake, I think you need to do this or there may be a build up of resentment slowly which may never quite heal..

I am so sorry for your loss. This woman may be trying to be helpful but in doing things like clearing your mums stuff without including you she is being intrusive and rude. You need to gently talk to your dad, explain how much you would have loved to go through her things and how shoved out you felt and just ask if he could perhaps consider you over any issue like this.

so sorry for your loss
your dad is clinging on to the comfort he's getting here, and its great he has support, but you need some too. you might need to gently say to your dad 'dad, can we not talk about other people, all i want to do is talk about you and mum and me'
i really hope youll fix this with your dad soon, you need each other right now