to have reached a new low? Life sucks.

[kittycat37]

This is probably the wrong place to post but I don't know where else to.

I'm at breaking point. Thought things were ok until two days ago. I have a DD of 3 and another of 8wks.

My Dad has MS (badly - paralysed apart from one hand). My Mum has been his carer with help from social services for last 18yrs. Me and my brother help out a bit.

Two days ago my Mum was taken into hospital having had a stroke. She'll be there a while.

I came straight to parents house (2hrs from where I live) with baby as BF, DH stayed in London with 3 yr old. My bro is in USA for a week with work.

I'm struggling - managing to keep it together in front of parents but crying by myself rest of time. Am totally overwhelmed. DH coming here tonight thank God although he'll have to commute to work so I'll have kids and parents to look after next week. Nightmare as visiting hrs at hosp mean leaving Dad on own (not good) and they don't let kids on the ward.

Just tell me I'm reasonable to be finding it tough. Please, before I lose the plot.

YANBU. Not sure what else to say. Hope you DH can help

Oh you poor thing. Anyone would fnd this tough - you are doing a marvellous job.

Hopefully things will be a bit easier when your DH arrives. Things always seem more managable when you have someone to share the load.

Be kind to yourself, try not to do anything that isn't absolutely necessary and remember that you are being a wonderfu, caring daughter.

hugs x

Of course YANBU having an 8 week old is overwhelming enough without caring and worrying for both parents. Im sure as soon as your DH gets their you'll feel better knowing he's with you.
I hope your mum recovers well.
Have you spoken to social services about getting more help in the interim ?

Oh bless you, is there no one that could help with childcare or maybe a temporary creche. it sounds like you are having a rough time, i hope everything gets better quickly. remember theres always light at the end of the tunnel.

i know its not much, but thoughts are with you.

Thanks - the comments are making me feel a bit better. Vicbar - social services have agreed to provide more cover but a maximum of 4 visits a day. Considering he can't really be left too much it doesn't fully cover it. If money were no issue I'd pay for an all day carer.

oh my goodness, that's a lot to have to deal with at once

please call social services and start the ball rolling about getting some help in for your parents

your Mum isn't going to be able to be your Dad's full time carer any time soon, you have two very young children children yourself, you are not going to manage this long term, so no harm starting the process of getting help now

good luck xx

Of course you are reasonable to find it tough. I am sorry things are so hard for you at the moment.
I would say at the moment do what you have to but don't exhaust yourself doing anything extra, - just take care of the basics. You will feel better when your DH arrives, as he can give you emotional as well as practical support.

Don't feel bad about having a little cry to yourself, sometimes we need that.

It might be worth contacting social services to find out what help your parents are entitled to, so that when your mother comes home there is something in place, and also they may be able to help look after your dad while she's there. Take care

You poor thing this sounds dreadful

Right - lets break it down

In no particular order..........

Visiting - how are you going to visit when you have the kids? I can think of two options I suppose.
a) Ask to speak to the ward sister and ask for permission to bring your children on to the ward for brief visits as you have nobody to leave them with

or

b) visit last in the evening after your dh gets home. If this is after visiting hours you could ask for a dispensation to do this as well. Your circumstnaces are very difficult - it's not unreasonable to ask.

Which ever you do I think you need to get in touch with your mums friends and say it will be ahrd for you to go so can they please rally round and make sure people go in. If you know any of them well ask them to babysit your 3 yr old at least.

Next - the whole caring for your dad thing. You have a life and a family too - you CANNOT do everything your mum has done long term or even medium term. The local council needs to start working on what services they can put in place to support both your parents. If you have a social worker contact phone them and say that things are very hard and you need a plan.

Regarding the housekeeping basics - online ordering for food, only minimum housework and maybe take the washing to a laundrette for service washes? Getting a bag of folded clean stuff back is very empowering

Your brother - keep him informed and be very clear with him that when he's back in the country he needs to carry this with you. Don't let him think you will manage everything by yourself.

Be kind to yourself - if you need a new pair of comfy shoes or a particular drink or a new dvd or whatever just BUY it. Now is not the time to cheesepare. I am a huge fan of hurling money at problems because sometimes it makes life a hell of a lot easier.

Has your mum got lots of friends who live nearby? Do get in touch with them immediately. I'm sure they would really want to help. Make a list of what they can do - provide meals, visit your mum in the hospital, see your dad etc etc.

Do any of your mum's friends have adult children your age? They could look after your older child if you need a break.

Poor poor you. The worst time is at the start of a crisis, as there is so much to organise.

Poor you and your poor Mum and Dad.

This is a terrible situation.

How bad is your Mum?

You may need to underplay how much you can help to SS to get them to help more. I'd be wondering if it would be possible for your Dad to go into residential care on a temporary basis.

Do your parents own their own home?

Won't your DH take a week off work he is entitled to unpaid time off the care for his dependants ie the DC, in an emergency.

oldandgrey - I think the op may have enough stress without having dh in the house trying to help and fretting about the financial loss incurred. Unpaid leave often causes as many problems as it solves.

where are you kitty?

just in case any mnetters are close by that may be able to lend a hand

Yes i agree but I don't know her financial position and if they are 'comfortable' then it may be a thought.

Please tell social services that you can not cope - although I know you will battle through, but make the threat - Dad needs 24 hour care that you are not able to proivde and you want to know what there plan is. Hold firm they have to come up with something. If they think the family will make do they will not offer more than they think they can get away with.

kitty. I hope your mum is doing as well as can be expected. So, so hard for you all.

I agree with Eve though. It's second nature to put on a brave face, but it wasn't until my mum - with huge reluctance - played what she called the "C card" that Social Services finally accepted that she wasn't able to care for my 93 year old grandmother to the extent that was required and actually put some services in place.

My mum was recovering from a mastectomy, embarking on chemo and lived 100 miles from her mum, but until she finally told ss that she wouldn't be able to keep up the level of support that she had until that point, they assumed that the family would be keeping things going. Put everything in writing as well when dealing with ss so that you've got a record.

I hope you get some respite soon.

I'd say accept those 4 visits that SS have mentioned. Clearly your dad needs more than that, but 4 visits per day will still help alot.

There are other things they can provide too - ask for a carer's assessment. In addition to the 4 visits per day you could also get help from a sitting service more than once a week - giving your dad a companion while you have a day free. Also he could be set up with a day centre place. Make sure you ask for a carer's assessment.

And as a SW it certainly isn't offering as little as we think we can 'get away with' - in my job I want to put as much in to help each and every person as I can. If we have all the facts and know where people are struggling, we will assess fully and put everything in that we have access to.

yanbu. What a tough situation to be in.

Your mum being ill is very stressful and upsetting, without the additional difficulty of looking after your dad and a newborn!

Have you tried speak to the MS Society? (Helpline: 0808 800 8000) They might be able to give you advice on how to access better care provision for your dad. You can't be expected to look after him full time. What would happen if you weren't around?

Do you have any other family that might be able to help (i.e. looking after the kids/sitting with your dad while you visit your mum)?

Have you spoken to your Dad's GP? - they probably have a good idea of what's available in the area.

Really sorry you're having to deal with this.

I am so touched by the supportive and helpful comments - thankyou thankyou.

Social services provided carers to put my Dad to bed last night and someone to get him up (happening now). They've actually been really great at putting this emergency care in place and it will be formally assessed in a couple of weeks.

We've been asking round my Mum's friends about other people who might possibly be able to come in on an ad hoc basis to sit with my Dad or do other things not covered by SS yet.

Luckily it seems that my Mum's stroke was relatively minor and she can speak and walk (although is shakey and speech is slurred).

My brother is going to take over when he gets back from USA on Friday.

So it's not quite as grim as it seemed yesterday. Just going to take it a day at a time.

I'm wondering whether to suggest to DH that we should move nearer here although I know he won't like that idea.

kitty you are doing really well with so much on your plate. I struggled just with an 8 week old without everything else you are dealing with!

Am really glad that things are looking brighter today and that you are getting some help.

Really glad things are looking a bit better today. How's your mum doing? How's your dad coping without her?

Would moving cause problems for work etc? Would it involve being further from DH's family?

I live 150 miles from my parents, and I do worry how I'd cope if (when, realistically) they need more support. I do sympathise.

Hope everything continues to go OK and your mum recovers well.

Managed to negotiate a bit more care for my Dad yesterday - he's going to get 5 visits a day from carers now. My Mum is in good spirits but frail and still in hospital. I'm going to London to see older DD today (she's been at in laws). A friend is going to stay here with my Dad.

I think the hardest thing is dealing with the emotional side. Can't write now as trying to BF baby but will continue as this thread has been a big help. x

Emotional side must be very tough. That was the first thing that struck me reading your op. Emotions and hormones can be a bit all over the place 8 weeks post-partum, to have your mum get sick and to suddenly have 3 people so dependent on you is a lot to have to handle. You really are doing brilliantly.

Take a bit of time to think through your options with regard to long-term care for your parents. There is a lot to figure out, and moving closer might be part of what you need to consider. For now just focus on Friday and let those thoughts bubble away in the background.

Hi again,
This is such a delayed response - sorry, it's been absolutely manic with trying to sort everyting out and going to the hospital.

Sleepingsowell - can you tell me more about the sitting service? My SS have not offered this. I have now negotiated 5 visits which they say is the maximum care available. I'm hassling them to give us a date for a formal revue so that this can be made permenant. I'm looking into direct payments as we don't seem to be able to get the best times for care visits (e.g. the one to put my Dad to bed is at 8pm which he absolutely hates and has been kicking up a fuss every night - can't blame him, I wouldn't like it).

The good news is my Mum is out of hospital, and not too bad - bit wobbly and slow. But it's amazing to have her back and be able to take her breakfast in bed. As a family we just have to make sure she doesn't fall back into old patterns of doing far too much for my Dad all the time.

Skildooly - I'm in a total dilema about the question of moving nearer to parents. In one way it would make me feel a lot less guilty about them. But all my support network is in London (in laws do a lot of childcare, friends are there, all my work has been based there). My DH has very stressful job with antisocial hours in London and commuting for him would be pretty horrible - he also is close to his family who are all in London (his brother has mental health issues and lives quite near us and is quite emotionally dependant on DH). In some ways I wonder if I'll be more help to parents if I don't turn everything upsidedown but just visit every week for 2 nights or something. At least then life stays stable for DC, DH, and me to some extent. Otherwise I'm scared of the prospect of my parents' problems completely dominating all our lives and me being less able to cope.