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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell my friend to get someone else to look after her son?

40 replies

carton81 · 11/06/2010 15:50

Just after easter my friend got a part time job with no consideration as to who would look after her DS. She just assumed I wouldn't mind. I have looked after him in the past but never on a regular/permanant basis. The first day he was ok but the 2nd time he came he was a nightmare. He deliberatly wee'd all over the toilet, wet toilet roll and stuffed it all in the sink blocking it up. He knocked an ornament over, swore and threw food on the carpet.
Friend came home really enthusiastic about her job so I didn't mention it and assumed he'd calm down but it continued. He hits my DS, swears at him and calls him poo face, puts his fingers around his eyes to take the piss out of DS's glasses, tips drinks up "by accident" over and over again and basically just runs riot.
I spoke to my friend last week about it and she said she'd talk to her DS. He was ok after that but today has been unbearable. He drew on the living room wall, put water in DH's slippers, tipped the cat food up and kept poking DS.
I feel guilty but I cant stand him being here. I am constantly on edge, cant relax in my own home and dread it and sit there watching the clock until she picks him up.

If I dont do it, she will be completely stuck. AIBU to refuse anyway knowing she may have to quit her job?

OP posts:
fireupthequattro · 11/06/2010 19:52

YANBU you need to give her notice for all the good reasons above. You also need to discipline him for the remaining week, you are the adult in charge.

Get him in the corner for 5 mins every time he bullies your son. If he tipped drinks in my house he'd be going home a thirsty boy.

zipzap · 11/06/2010 22:47

There have been a couple of threads about just this recently and overwhelming view on them was to stop looking after the child, it was unreasonable of the mother to ask/expect/demand that you do the childcare, it is not your responsibility if they can't sort it out. And the mothers I seem to remember felt so much better when they had stopped the child from coming and could get back to concentrating on and enjoying their own child.

good luck! YANBU definitely - be brave, tell the mum why as well (and either ask for replacements for the stuff that has been broken or damaged or at least point out to her that you are out of pocket because of her son!)

porcamiseria · 12/06/2010 09:24

its not fair on your kid, or to you. there are so many reasons why you should not do this, but I think (a) the fact he is bullying and (b) why should have a shit timewhile she earns money!

be brave and tell her NO

good luck, she is fucking cheeky by the way

thumbwitch · 12/06/2010 09:45

She is taking the piss royally.
Put a stop to it as you are not a registered CM and tell her to pay for it like other people have to.

RunawayWife · 12/06/2010 09:53

I think she needs to jack in her job and deal with her child who clearly has problems.

Just tell her you and no longer willing / able to look after the child

mumwhatnothing · 12/06/2010 10:07

the ofsted rules say a childminder is someone who looks after someone elses child for reward. Is the OP being paid or rewarded in some way?

mumwhatnothing · 12/06/2010 10:10

I would ask her to look for a proper CM so OP could get her life back. Also there is financial help with registered childcare.

StealthPolarBear · 12/06/2010 10:46

I have asked whether she's being paid mum, but the OP hasn't been back I don't think

rewardgirl · 12/06/2010 14:01

I'm going to add my voice to the consensus here. Unbelievably cheeky and inconsiderate to just ASSUME you'd look after him without her asking - she probably knew you'd say no so just thought she'd go ahead and hopefully you'd be too polite not to turn her down when it was "too late".

Give her a week's notice to sort something else, ask her to repair damage done so far and don't take any sht from the little sht while he's at yours.

Then make sure you're out / ready to go out when she would be due round after the week is up - sorry, I can't look after him as I've got to get to xx. I did give you warning...

You are not an unpaid nanny! YaDnbu.

annh · 12/06/2010 14:13

Don't think that you cannot do this because your friend will be "stuck". She will just have to do what tens of thousands of other working parents do and sort out a childminder or after-school club. You are kind to think about her circumstances but did she give any consideration to yours when she asked you to look after her son?

So we can properly direct our level of irritation however, it would be useful to know how many times a week you have to do this and whether you are being paid.

Fluffyone · 12/06/2010 15:01

Tell her the truth. As for notice, unless you have a contract with her... which I'm sure you don't... why give her more than a day's notice? Why subject yourelf and DS to this any longer?

beanlet · 12/06/2010 19:47

"Are you registered as a childminder?

If not you are breaking the law"

If the OP is not being paid to do it, it's not illegal for her to be looking after a friend's child on a regular basis. This has been the case since March 2010, when the Children's Minister "confirmed that child care arrangements between friends will no longer be a matter for regulation" after the big hoo-ha over two policewomen who looked after each others' children.

The details are here

Feelingsensitive · 12/06/2010 20:25

I had a similar situation to this whereby a friend (in the loosest sense) has assumed I would be providing free before and after childcare for her DD from September as she and my DC will be starting reception together. After posting here and getting some fabulous advice (thanks) It took alot of guts on my part but I told her straight that I didnt want to look after other peoples kids. Simple as that. What I am trying to say is there are some people who are just dam right cheeky. They think nothing of asking someone to do something that is actually a royal pain. If you are like me and just like to be nice and help people out then it makes you an easy target. I have learnt from this to set my boundaries and if anyone asks me to do something I dont want to do I will just say a straight no and keep excuses short and simple so you are not manipulated. If I were you I would give her notice of a week and say you didnt want to do this anymore as its stressing you and your family out.

onthepier · 13/06/2010 12:26

Did you friend accept that without protesting FEELINGSENSITIVE? I'm only asking because I'm in a similar position myself. The arrangement whereby I look after somebody else's children isn't as regular as yours was going to be, but I need a get-out as on the days I do it it drives me mad, (one of them is badly behaved and uncontrollable)!

Well done for sticking up for yourself.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 13/06/2010 12:41

Just be honest with her. Tell her what her child is like.

You are not doing her child any favours if you don't - how else can she deal with it? If she doesn't know how bad it is?

If she falls out with you - then she was never your true friend in the first place.

You cannot put the feelings and convenience of a mate above the well-being of your child. Ever.

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