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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I lost it this afternoon

10 replies

mrspir8 · 10/06/2010 20:18

My DH has had a bad back for about 8 weeks now, hes on the strongest painkillenrs which make him dozy but he is back at work now.He is miserable-not even trying to be positive and not been helping round the house much even though he is not supposed to staying still so he could wash up. He also has an eye infection and this afteernoon he phoned me to say he was coming home sick with a cold. When he got home he just moaned and moaned and went to bed. DD has been particularly difficult today and I needed to get her changed after coming in soaked from the garden. I asked him to change herbefore he went to bed, it was all very calm and normal at this point, and he refused saying he was too ill.

She then proceeded to argue with me about getting dressed and lost it with me and hit/scratched me full in the face. I yelled a bit-not too much just raised my voice at her and he came out of the bedroom and told me to calm down.

I just lost it-screamed the place down packed a suitcase and said I was fed up withbeing the drudge round here and not getting any help. Lets see how you manage without me for a few days sort of thing I buggered off in my car for a few hours and cried a lot in a laybay. A bot music and a nice drive in the country and I decided to go home again.

I feel really guilty now, I swore my head off in front of my daughter and him, literally screamed and cried and slammed about. Acting like a furious teen. He ws ok with me when I got back and I know he is feeling awful but it's just going on & on. He is a bit precious at times, he has a history of various stress related illnesses over the years-including one that he cured with counselling. He admitted a psychosamatic (sp?) element to that illness and yet I cant make him see that maybe this time if he tried to be more positive he may feel better. I am so sick of his health affecting eveything.

OP posts:
herbietea · 10/06/2010 20:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

hairytriangle · 10/06/2010 20:25

Take it from me, you can't change someone's psychological ailmentgs. It is not possible to do.

Agree what you each expect of each other in terms of childcare and houswork etc.

but don't try to fix him because you will break yourself in so doing.

Greensleeves · 10/06/2010 20:29

oh poor poor you

DON'T worry about shouting - we have all done it and we have all felt rubbish afterwards. As it is your dd behaved appallingly and although I am not advocating losing it, I don't think it will do her any harm to see that mothers are human and have feelings too. I would give her a hug and a little quiet chat to explain that Mummy would never actually leave, but that you lost your temper because you felt that nobody was considering your feelings or understanding that you get tired and upset too.

and don't feel guilty about shouting about your dh either - I don't know enough about his condition to know whether he is taking the piss or not, but even if he really is suffering, he is still an adult and he should be able to understand that you are tired and stressed and carrying the weight of the family while he is unwell.

So sorry you are feeling like this. You must be knackered and you have had a shit day - you deserve a nice warm bath, something delicious to eat and an early night xx

Disenchanted3 · 10/06/2010 20:29

Sorry I think YABU.
He had a back back, eye infection, cold and had been working all day - only to be sent home, then I wouldn't expect him to change a nappy before he went to bed. He sounds pretty ill to me!

If he was still at work you would have had to do it.

I can understand why you did itm, but feel for your DH more.

Pozzled · 10/06/2010 20:35

Sounds like you are both having a really rough time. Have to say, I do feel quite sorry for your DH- with a bad back, eye infection and cold it IS going to be hard to stay positive.

That said, you need him to acknowledge that things are hard for you as well.

Can you sit down together and work out what you can do to make life a little easier-
Do you have anyone else nearby who can help, look after DD for a few hours?
Is there anyway you can cut down on housework for a little while- at least while he has this cold? I'm absolutely terrible for feeling like I'm working all the time, and then I realise I'm doing jobs that could wait- sometimes a rest is more important.

Hope things improve soon.

diddl · 10/06/2010 20:35

You asked him to help-he didn´t.
Fair enough, he´s ill.

But TBH I´d be pissed off with someone telling me to calm down when I´d been hit/scratched deliberately by my daughter.

PotPourri · 10/06/2010 20:43

yanbu. You're doing it all, he's wallowing in his illness. Yes he's ill, but I bet you had to just get on with it when you had morning sickness or spd or hideous heartburn, or were knackered from being up all night feeding the baby etc etc.

mrspir8 · 10/06/2010 20:43

Disenchanted-I know I was unreasonable hence the guilt. I am still pissed off with the situation rather than him. He knows that-thats why he was so good when I got home. He also wasn't sent home, he made that decision for himself and it is only a cold.(the bad back has been going on for so long now it wasn't that he was coming home for) He's totally fine now-laughing with a mate on the phone. BTW it wasn't a nappy I asked him to change-just my DD's dress from finding a watering can full of rain.

I guess it's the coming home and just being able to collapse into bed-i never get that choice despite having endometriosis which comes with crippling abdominal cyclic pains dragging debilitating tiredness and aneamia-but I just have soldier on through it. There never seems to be any help for me, he hardly cooks when he is well let alone now. I can count on my hands the number of times he has made the effort to take my daughter out by himself ever! , he obviously cant do that now anyway as he cant lift her if she needed it. I cant even take time off work when dd is at nursery because I am self employed. I am tired. I dont want this to tunr into another husband hating thread cos for the most part he is great, it's just that when I am needed to pick up the slack I do without complaint, but when I need it for me he never seems to have the resources.

OP posts:
mrspir8 · 10/06/2010 21:05

Just read it back-sorry for the bad typo's

OP posts:
OurLadyOfPerpetualSupper · 10/06/2010 21:17

How about when he's better agreeing a reasonable time for him to give you a break - maybe just taking DD to the playground on a Saturday, or letting you bugger off shopping occasionally?

Tbh, your DD probably senses the tension and acts up at these times - but everyone loses it some point.

Having had back pain for several years now (not to the extent of needing strong painkillers, though), I'd be really pissed off if DH was moaning about the effect it was having on his life - and a cold added on top is no joke.

Even if he has a history of 'stress-related illness,' it doesn't mean he isn't feeling lousy now.

It's hard feeling like the one always taking up the slack, so I do sympathise.

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