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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit - can't think of the word..

49 replies

Sexonlegs · 10/06/2010 07:57

This October half term, we (dh and 2 dd's) are going away for a week on a big family get together (there will be 32 of us incl aunts, uncles, cousins and cousins children) - all on my side of the family.

This has been planned and booked for nearly a year.

Dh's friend has just announced he is getting married on the Saturday that we go away, and is looking in to going.

I can understand this guy is a good friend, but I am a tad hacked off that I will have the kids and luggage etc and be without him for perhaps 2 nights of the holiday. I appreciate I will have family around, but it is not quite the same. Also just the slight embarrassment of him not being there when it has been arranged for such an age.

Also, the cost element.

It will be an extra c £100 for the flight, and probably £80 ish for the airport car parking.

Thoughts??

OP posts:
squeaver · 10/06/2010 22:28

Really Kodak?? I genuinely don't think it's a tough one at all.

I've imagined the scenario for me or dh and I just know that we would both say, "of course, you must go to the wedding"

shockers · 10/06/2010 22:36

I think you sound like you've got a lovely family that both you and your DH would enjoy being on holiday with.

He has a real dilemma now that you could really help him with by being understanding.

If it were me (and I realise it's not, but you did ask!)... I'd send him off with a big kiss and a smile and enjoy yourself with your family smile].

shockers · 10/06/2010 22:38

that should have read.... " enjoy yourself with your family "

BigFatSepticToe · 10/06/2010 22:43

I would be miffed if DH decided to do this when we were ALONE on a hol, as i would not want 3 Dc on my own - but he wold not do that sort of thing.

If it is a good friend and as you will have plenty of help and company,can't see the problem.

as for extra expense, wedings always create expense, and its a one off.

moominmarvellous · 10/06/2010 23:02

'Gosh, he must be delighted that you have "given your permission". '

Good grief, they're a married couple making a decison and trying to consider each others feelings.

Actually, I don't think he even needed to mention it to her, he's his own man, he has rights, she's only his wife

shockers · 10/06/2010 23:11

Moomin... D'yknow... I thought exactly the same when I read that!

confuddledDOTcom · 10/06/2010 23:30

I didn't see where anyone said that a family holiday would be a bad thing...?

Excluding money, I don't see a problem. It's not the whole holiday, you'll spend sometime with him.

As far as luggage is concerned (we've done something similar) why not split it between you? Get him to bring stuff for later in the week with him so that you don't have to carry everything?

Pattie16 · 10/06/2010 23:49

Go with the flow, how would you feel if it were your friend? Don't make waves where there doesn't need to be. It will be nice to have two days without him and look forward to Daddy coming to you all. It's not worth the aggro, remember in the future you may have to do something similar.

fireupthequattro · 11/06/2010 00:35

My husband conveniently forgot he had a dive course booked for the week before our big Half term family get together with my db and his kids.

He compromised by flying into the nearest airport two days into the holiday.

I had a great time being spoiled by my DB and SIL and enjoyed being the focus of attention for a change.

When DH flew in he was so guilty for potentially cocking up the year long planned holiday and was so appreciative of me letting it slide. I was put on a pedestal for the remainder of the holiday. Believe me, it doesn't happen to me a lot

If it's a good mate he should go, but then remind him that you need the favour returned on hols, a spa day without the kids or some p&q away from the 31 other people? There are plenty of people to pick up your bags etc. I've flown round the world on my own with DC, it's not hard.

MrsCrafty · 11/06/2010 02:37

I hope this doesn't offend you but if you feel the need to get 'permission' to be pissed off about your own very reasonable suggestion from a parenting forum, I think your marraige might be in trouble.

You shouldn't need to ask this really?

I simply cannot imagine posting this question to be honest. I know that people will slate me for saying this but I genuinely think it's a sign that things are not right. Sorry in advance.

Original poster
Sexonlegs · 11/06/2010 07:55

Mrs Mcrafty. I don't get your post at all.

Fireup, glad things worked well for you.

As for giving my permission... fuck off is all I can say.

Does your dh just swan off and do as he pleases?

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 11/06/2010 08:03

it will be awkward for you to take 2DCs and all your luggage though - what does he imagine you'll do?

Goblinchild · 11/06/2010 08:10

How old are your DCs? They could perhaps handle a small back pack or a little suitcase on wheels. It's only a week after all.
Failing that, load up another family member with a spare arm.

stubbornhubby · 11/06/2010 08:57
  • it all depends how good the friend is, but if he is a good friend then it's not unreasonable to want to go to the wedding. Good friends' weddings don't happen often.

but I don't understand two nights? You depart, and the wedding, they are both on Saturday right?

So if it was me going to the wedding I would be getting up early on Sunday morning and dashing to the airport for the 8am flight. On night.

AND I would carrying as much of the family luggage as possible, so that you can travel light with the children.

BUT can't you BOTH go to the wedding, and either send the children ahead with your family, OR just all leave for the holiday on Sunday morning.

Original poster
Sexonlegs · 11/06/2010 13:38

Apologies for my outburst earlier.

DC are not that young; 3 and 7, but quite hard work all the same.

I know people will of course help out; I know I am over-egging this.

I just feel a bit disappointed that dh won't be there the whole time to join in what will be a one-off family holiday.

Re 2 nights, it is logistics that are problematic and may lead to 2 nights.

OP posts:
MrsCrafty · 12/06/2010 01:24

Mrs Mcrafty. I don't get your post at all.

Fireup, glad things worked well for you.

As for giving my permission... fuck off is all I can say.

Does your dh just swan off and do as he pleases?

I am sorry I didn't really explain myself very well. If I were in your position; yes I would want hubs there, but his friend needs him more and since you are a close family, then surely they would accept this.

I think I was more concerned that you even worried about this. If he were to take off for the entirety, then yep, I would be really pissed off. But it's only for a couple of days and it's his friends wedding. You did come over, at least to me as being a bit of a shrew as it's 'your family' and you would be embarrassed. Why? To keep up appearances - not worth it in my very humble opinion.

Indaba · 12/06/2010 11:17

If it were me I would split the luggage so he brings as much as he can re weight allowance, explain to my family its someones wedding and therefore important and I would get over it.

Everyone is different but really....is it so major?

LittleMissHissyFit · 12/06/2010 11:35

it'll give you 2 clear days to catch up with everyone, which is only of real interest to family, and could potentially bore the bits of anyone's spouse.

Go with it, it's not a huge deal, it's his time off too! It's called having a dynamic and flexible marriage.

He'll still be with you all for 5 days, and will help with the hard bit, carrying the bags back home!

booyhoo · 12/06/2010 11:42

YABU

why the hell would you be embarrassed that your DH was going to a friend's wedding? that is ridiculous. i dont know anyone who would think that was something to be embarrassed by. i think you ae trying to make up reasons for him not to go. if you are skint then i think DH should reconsider but otherwise i dont think he is doing anything wrong. you will have loads of family there to help you at the airport and during the days with your dc.

funtimewincies · 12/06/2010 11:43

For me, the issue isn't about whether the friend is a close one, or the cost, or even that you feel that you'll be left in the lurch, but that your dh has made a prior committment.

He has agreed to spend that time with one group of people and now wants to drop them because a better clashing offer has come up. Imo, the conversation is a simple one.

His friend: I'd love you to come to my wedding on such-and-such a date.
Your dh: Thanks for the invitation, I'd love that too, but I'm afraid that I'm already committed to that date.

He then sends a nice card, gets something from the wedding list and wishes them all the best for their special day.

What happened to honouring committments ?

booyhoo · 12/06/2010 11:59

funtime

a close friend gets married once. family holidays can happen many times. i agree with you that people should honour commitments. however, it is obvious that this isn't a situation that DH will find himself in again. it is a close friend. i think spending one or two nights away from 31 other people is justifiable in this circumstance.

Original poster
Sexonlegs · 12/06/2010 21:33

Funtime, you have hit the nail on the head.

I know it is only 2 days, blah blah BUT, a commitment is a commitment. Obviously people just have different morals.

OP posts:
ShellingPeas · 12/06/2010 21:56

I wouldn't have a problem with my DH going to a good friend's wedding in the circumstances described. If you can afford the extra expense and he wants to go then I don't think it should embarrass you or your family.

Travelling with 2 kids on your own isn't such a big deal - I did it to NZ by myself (24 hours plus with a transfer half way), with 2 DC aged 4 and 6 and managed fine.

thesecondcoming · 12/06/2010 22:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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