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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be angry beyond words

25 replies

nattiecake · 08/06/2010 21:00

or am i just being hormonal?

i'm 6 months pregnant and in about £8000 debt. me and hubby are paying off as much as we can before my maternity leave starts.

i've just found out today that hubby has been bailing out his brother, lending him money when its his own fault he doesnt have any!

am i being selfish and uncaring or should i be mad?

OP posts:

blinks · 08/06/2010 21:02

your husband is a daft bastard. clearly.

twolittlemonkeys · 08/06/2010 21:04

YANBU. Your husband is being stupid and has his priorities a bit messed up.

EnglandAllenPoe · 08/06/2010 21:04

if he hasn't told you, you are very very right to be hopping mad.

because of the deception.

foreverastudent · 08/06/2010 21:04

yanbu

your dh should be prioritising you over his bro

this doesn't bode well for the future...

onepieceoflollipop · 08/06/2010 21:04

From what you have told us your dh sounds as if he is being disloyal to you and irresponsible with money.

Do you have shared finances? If not then perhaps he feels he has the right to do this?

(dh and I have shared finances so not really sure on what would be right if that is the case)

Scaredofthedark · 08/06/2010 21:05

Why ??!

If he has money to spare would you like my address?

Tiredmumno1 · 08/06/2010 21:05

Yadnbu, firstly your dh should have discussed this with you, especially if you have your own worries and a new addition to the family (congrats btw) not far off.

he should not be leaning on you and your dh for money. is he not working?

Original poster

nattiecake · 08/06/2010 21:15

his brother messed up big time, way too much for me to explain, but he now lives 70 miles away with his cousin. he has a job now, but his ex is always after him for money for his son.
i know he didnt ask me as he knew i'd say no, i fell out with my best friend over money that she never paid me back, so he's VERY aware of my thoughts on the subject.

OP posts:

HecateQueenOfWitches · 08/06/2010 21:18

has his brother been paying him back?

and no, yanbu.

Original poster

nattiecake · 08/06/2010 21:26

i dont know, i know he's lent him little bits of money and at least one bigger amount, but hes in work at the mo so i cant find out the details...

OP posts:

PotPourri · 08/06/2010 21:28

YANBU. He has decieved you end of

scottishmummy · 08/06/2010 21:40

so what are you going to do

Original poster

nattiecake · 08/06/2010 22:00

he said he's getting the money back by this weekend and has said he wont do it again. he felt sorry for his bro cause he was saying he was going to get beaten up for not paying his ex again, and didnt actually ask for money, my generous hubby kindly offered!!

i've told him that if i do find out hes done it again, or if there are any problems getting the money back, then i will speak to his brother myself.

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 08/06/2010 22:04

is this error of judgement?is your dh usually reasonable?has he been coerced or felt familial ties

prioritise your health dont get too het up
focus on what you both do now- discuss calmly.you are disappointed and he needs to prioritise your impending family needs

DetectivePotato · 09/06/2010 09:34

YANBU. I would be fuming!

Hullygully · 09/06/2010 09:37

It's irritating, but he has acted out of love, kindness and concern.

GeekOfTheWeek · 09/06/2010 10:53

YANBU

MmeLindt · 09/06/2010 10:59

I agree with Hully.

He must have felt that his brother was in some kind of danger.

I would rather have a DH who did this than one who would ignore struggling family.

Although, he should have discussed it with you.

Funkycherry · 09/06/2010 11:02

I'd be livid.
No wonder you're 8k in debt if he's this dumb with money!

Waits to get flamed......

TheBride · 09/06/2010 11:27

It's difficult. My brother is also terrible with money- has none and all his own fault. BUT if he was going to get beaten up by a loan shark I would probably lend him some (whilst rolling eyes and huffing about it). Dh has also lent money to his siblings- he told me but it wasnt a question of getting permission. However, we dont have pressing money concerns so it's a bit different.

Also, your OP suggested that the £8k of debts are yours as opposed to DH's (might be reading that wrong though- apologies if I am) so it's a bit harsh to let your DH help pay your debts but not his brothers.

msrisotto · 09/06/2010 11:36

It is difficult but it is bad that he didn't talk to you about it (would you have automatically said no? I'm trying to think from his perspective, if it was my sister....).

Funkycherry · 09/06/2010 12:21

Ah, good point Bride, if its OPs debt and not joint debt its totally different.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 09/06/2010 12:57

I agree with MmeLindt and Hully - he is being caring and generous to his family, and that is actually a good thing - though I agree that he should have discussed it with you, or at least told you about it (assuming the offer was made on the spur of the moment).

How would your dh have felt if he hadn't offered to give his brother some money, and his brother had been beaten up? Pretty guilty, I expect!

I think you need to take some deep breaths and get over being 'angry beyond words' before you have a chat with your dh. You need to decide what you would like him to do if a similar situation arises, and set some limits - for example, if he's got £10 in his pocket for a couple of beers with his mates, and he decides to give that to his brother instead, that ought to be fine, but if he gives him money that you need for food/bills/baby stuff/debt repayments, then he should prioritise those above his brother's needs, or should at least discuss with you if you and he can afford to give his brother a bit of money.

OrmRenewed · 09/06/2010 12:59

What hully said.

BusyMissIzzy · 09/06/2010 13:03

If it weren't for your own debts I'd say it was nice of your DH to be helping out his brother. But since you have debts of your own he should be prioritising them.

My DH took out a loan to give his sister £3000 without telling me a few years back. We'd already given her £1000 and his parents £2000. We weren't in debt but we were supposed to be saving up a deposit for a house. I was very angry at the time, but now think that it was nice of him to be able to help his family out, although I wish he'd told me about the loan.

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