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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that it's a bit late for my mum to want to "be there for me" when she pissed off when I was 5.

16 replies

Naetha · 08/06/2010 14:58

I know it's probably guilt, but I'm sick and tired of my Mum wanting to emotionally "be there" for me all the time. My grandmother (my dad's mum - parents divorced 23 years ago when my mum ran off with another bloke) died last week at the age of 95. Yes, we're all sad, but it's also a blessed relief. She was fed up, she'd lost her sight and her hearing and was in constant pain. I took 6mo DD down to see her last month, and very much got the feeling that it was really goodbye this time.

When I told my mum, she was all over me, asking if I wanted her to come up and see me, if I needed any help with anything. Now she wants to come to the funeral at great inconvenience to herself to "be there" for me again. I just don't want here there though. I don't need her - she left me when I was 5 years old. I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times I saw her between the ages of 5 and 12. What makes her think that I could cope then, and not now?

Sorry, just needed a rant more than anything else.

OP posts:

spybear · 08/06/2010 15:02

You don't owe her anything if she did that to you. Just remember that.

If you don't want her there then say so.

ocdgirl · 08/06/2010 15:02

YADNBU

sorry about your grandmother, but as you say at least she is no longer in pain, still sad to lose a loved one though (sending you a very un-mn like hug)

chitchat07 · 08/06/2010 15:07

Got a bit of a headache at the moment, so if this is a little bit on the blunt side, sorry!

But... can you just not respond to these comments with a 'why?'. 'Why would I need you there?'. 'Why would having you there help me?' or some such variant.

It does sound as though you have rebuilt some sort of a relationship, but some hurts can't be undone and this is a way of letting her know that that you have managed to get by without her and so don't 'need' her as a mother now.

Original poster

Naetha · 08/06/2010 15:16

Yes we do have a relationship now, and I suppose I don't want to undo the hard work we've both put into it. I know that if I tell her I don't need her it will damage a lot that we've built up, and if anything she'll get more needy, and more guilty.

I guess this sort of relationship is better than none at all. I just need to make the most of the best bits, and grit my teeth through stuff like this. Even though I can't forgive her for what she did, I'm not prepared to hurt her feelings in this way I guess.

Sorry, like I said, I just needed a rant.

OP posts:

Morloth · 08/06/2010 15:26

Naetha "I guess this sort of relationship is better than none at all." Are you sure about that? Has it brought you any joy or just stress and guilt?

DetectivePotato · 08/06/2010 16:42

YANBU. My 'mother' fucked off when I was 4. We have no contact as she doesn't want to know, but if she did I would find out why she did it, then tell her to fuck off then fuck off some more.

OrdinarySAHM · 08/06/2010 17:22

It sounds like she wants to 'help' you for maybe selfish reasons - to try to alleviate her guilt over abandoning you. Why should she be allowed to do that? I think it is right and proper that she should feel guilt, guilt and more guilt (sorry but its a sensitive point).

lazarusb · 08/06/2010 17:34

My mum left when I was 11. She is still trying to over-compensate/make excuses even now- 25+ years later. It's still only on her terms though, when it fits in with her. I just remind myself that she is the one that missed out and congratulate myself that I am a much, much better mum. My dh gets all my ranting, so rant away!

maddy68 · 08/06/2010 19:32

my dad did the sane thing and I haven't seen him for years - we met at his mothers (my Grans) funeral again

I decided just to suck it up and not make a fuss for my Gran but actually I pityed him, he was isolated and lonely, I had all my family around me and I felt really sorry for him, he was just an old man with many regrets.

I decided to put my anger and resentment behind me - I wouldn't say we were close by anymeans now but we are civil to each other and keep in touch

I know he feels soooo guilty and I understand this, if you let go of your anger you might have a relationship of sorts

Miggsie · 08/06/2010 19:37

I went to see Billy Connelly live once and he started talking about his mother...she abandoned him as a child and he said she came to see him after one of his gigs and said "how are you?" and he said "You are asking now? Isn't it 35 years too late?" and it was really poignant, I could see his sheer bafflement about this comparative stranger suddenly taking an interest.

I think your mum is trying to help to assuage her own guilt. She may have truly repented and mended her ways...but possibly not.

qk · 08/06/2010 19:39

YANBU

However, if you wanted her not to come, you could try telling her that your grandmother had a good innings, you had a feeling you were saying goodbye to her and also that she has been released from her suffering. Her death is in the natural order of things and perhaps explain to your mum that you are fine and that you did most of your grieving for your gran whilst she was still alive, but suffering so you don't need any support at this stage?

Sorry if any of that has come across as insensitive.

DuelingFanjo · 08/06/2010 19:41

I have a couple of friends whos mothers left when they were young (seeing them sometimes and then coming back to live nearby a couple of years later) and in both cases their mums had left difficult relationships but left their kids behind because it was too hard to take them with them.

I think that sometimes you have to try to understand why they did it. though of coures if they just ran off and felt no responsibility for their kids it is a bit different.

Can you talk about why she left? What it was like for her?

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 08/06/2010 19:45

I am sorry about your Grandma .

YANBU.

I wonder if your mum is my mum.

Mine said she loved me and missed me so much and then how bitter I was and I would never be happy until I realised she had done everything for me. And she would kill herself if I didn't invite her to my wedding. Oh and take my kids.

(She left me on a doorstep when I was a newborn/dumped me for her latest man/fucked up my life).

Can't think why I don't want to ever see her again. .

Sharing DNA does not mean you have to share air space.

megapixels · 08/06/2010 19:51

Seeing what a "mother" she's been to you it wouldn't BU if you tell her to just F off. Might be less heartache for you if you kept her completely out of your life.

RussAbbotDancer · 08/06/2010 20:03

It sounds like she's overcompensating - perhaps finds it difficult to act on maternal instinct (given that it's proved pretty unreliable/non-existent in the past) so guessing how mothers ought to act and trying that on for size.

It all comes from insurmountable guilt, which she'll have for the rest of her life. She can act as if nothing has happened because she's in denial - the truth is too painful.

It's really hard to be the grown-up one in the mother-daughter relationship when you're the daughter, but accepting that's how it is can stop you feeling disappointed/abandoned/angry.

LittleMissHissyFit · 08/06/2010 20:47

Oh, YANBU... I think you have been somewhat restrained actually.....

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