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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

for being sad that my daughters sister does not want to know her?

20 replies

superv1xen · 08/06/2010 11:22

my DD is one and has a 14 year old half sister, who is her dads (my dp's) DD from his previous marriage. dp split up with his ex 4 years ago and we have been together 3 years.

DP's daughter took it very badly when they split up. her mum wanted to get back with my DP when they first split up but he was not interested and when he started dating me, she hit the roof and started making it difficult for DP to see their DD. and he thinks she was bad mouthing him to her as well. she even went as far as sending me abusive messages calling me all the names under the sun.

When their DD found out dad had a new girlfriend, she was very upset and always refused to meet me, which was understandable and i was happy to give her time and hope that one day she would accept me.

However, then i got pregnant with my DD. his DD hit the roof and told my dp she no longer wanted to see him or speak to him. she and her mum also started sending him abusive texts and emails etc. however earlier this year she decided she wanted to get back in contact with my DP and they started texting and now speak on msn messenger most nights for an hour or so, but he thinks she doesnt seem to be ready to see him, although, he has not actually ASKED her!!

she is aware that she now has a half sister but she is never mentioned during these msn chats, by either of them, all they talk about is trivial chit chat such as school and what she has been doing etc. all the drama's of the last couple of years have never been mentioned either.

they have been chatting most nights for about the last 4 months, so AIBU to think that DP should, by now, acknowledge the massive elephant in the room that is his daughters half sister? surely even his DD is wondering why her dad is not bringing up anything important with her.

OP posts:

UniS · 08/06/2010 11:34

Maybe because your DP is wanting to keep a fragile relationship with his elder DD working. 4 months is not very long after 4 yrs apart. the elder DD knows about the younger one, she will bring up the subject and that of meeting her dad when shes ready to. the adult forcing the timing is unlikely to make it happen sooner.

Kathyjelly · 08/06/2010 11:36

That's difficult. Your dp must have been horrified when his DD told him she did not want to know him any more and then cut him out of her life. Now they seem to be mending that, he's probably being incredibly careful to do it gradually.

Much as I understand your feeling that your DD is being ignored, I think you have to give him that time to reassure his DD1 that he still loves her.

Are you planning to have your DD christened? Perhaps you could ask her to be Godmother?

lucky1979 · 08/06/2010 11:37

What's the rush? Let them build a relationship first and THEN she can start to think about you and your DD.

I think they're going about things very sensibly actually, and if she's still wary about letting your DP into her life then she's not going to be ready to let your DD in!

Your DD won't know either way at this point, she's too young, so even if it takes years for her to get to the point of meeting her, it's not going to make much difference.

addictedisalmosthalfway · 08/06/2010 11:40

no he shouldnt and tbh his daughter probably isnt wondering.

Let him have a relationship with his daughter, work up to meeting him and seeing him regularly then introducing her sister and you.

She obviously feels very vunerable and may even think her dad was trying to 'replace' her with his new family. Give her time and let her do it on her terms

If she never wants to know, yes its sad but the most important thing is both girls have a relationship with their dad

Flisspaps · 08/06/2010 11:41

Tricky. To be honest I'd leave it a bit longer. See if ahe mentions your DD herself. Give their relationship time to heal properly first, DH is probably very worried about 'scaring her off' so to speak.

And there's no reason for them to discuss the 'dramas' of the last few years, I think mentioning it would cause more problems than it would solve.

Vallhala · 08/06/2010 11:48

Give the kid a break, and some time. The break-up of her parent's marriage isn't your fault but kids/teenagers don't see it like that, do they? In her mind, probably, if you hadn't been there, her parents would have got back together, but now there's a baby too it's doubtless sinking in that there's no chance.

No good will come of you forcing the issue. Nor is it really your place to push it, I'd think that DP is scared enough of how fragile the relationship is as it is. This girl is a teenager, if she'd have wanted to know of the baby, she would have asked. In time she might. She won't though if it's expected of her to hear of the babe/meet/talk of baby. Added to the troubled situation, what interest do teenagers have in babies as a rule? DD may be the centre of your world, but she isn't the centre of DSDs. Nor is DD suffering by the lack of acknowledgment by DSD (or, wrt this situation, DP).

Time. Lots of it. And step back and leave the two to it.

nelliesmum · 08/06/2010 11:51

For what its worth, I agree entirely with Vallhala. 14 years old is still a baby too in lots of ways.

Threelittlemoomins · 08/06/2010 12:10

Totally agree with Vallhalla too. I think you need to give them both time to repair their relationship first.

Your DD has plenty of time to get to know her half sister when she's a bit older.

Original poster

superv1xen · 08/06/2010 12:11

thank you for the replies x

i really hope time makes things better.

i am not sure i would have ever got involved with my dp if i knew what was coming.

i still feel guilty even though it wasn't my fault that her parents split up. i wonder things like, maybe if we hadn't met, he would have met someone different later down the line and it might have been easier coz more time had passed.

i am a lot younger than my dp and his ex (10 years) and that has been mentioned by his ex as well so i also wonder if he had met some one older they would have had less of a problem.

addictedisalmosthalfway.... its interesting what you said about she might think DP has replaced her with a "new family" because thats exactly what she said when we first got together, as i have got a 4 yr old DS from my prev relatiionship. and her and her mum have always had a big problem with him as well, describing him as a "brat" and worse things

sorry my posts are a bit rambling, i am sleep deprived as well (dd teething i think so i dont think thats helping my state of mind.

OP posts:

porcamiseria · 08/06/2010 12:13

I'd stay well out of this, these things will fix in time. Your DD is too young to even care, so focus on the well being of your SD who has had a very traumatic time

so back off, and hope that your DP manages to get things back on track OK

Threelittlemoomins · 08/06/2010 13:43

I really feel for you vixen. It must be a very difficult situation.

Focus on your DS and DD for the time being - and try and get some sleep!

Original poster

superv1xen · 08/06/2010 15:47

yeah it is really hard

i really really hope that it gets resolved at some point. for both dp's sake and my dd's.

i may post this in step parenting as well...(although strictly speaking i am not a step parent as i have never even met the girl!)

OP posts:

Sassybeast · 08/06/2010 15:53

Definately don't push DP to do anything - enjoy your little one and be glad that DP is managing to rebuild his relationship with his little girl. He'll approach the subject with her if and when he feels ready.

prettyfly1 · 08/06/2010 17:15

Hi Super - posting in step is a great idea - lots of us have varying experience but in the main you have received some very good advice. It is still early days. I so understand why you feel the way you do and it must have been very difficult to remain impartial. Your dp is doing very well to slowly build a new relationship and mustnt push her at all - let her ask herself when and if she is ready. One day when the hormones and angst are over she will understand a little more but right now its very hard for her so just give it time and enjoy your dd xx

MintHumbug · 08/06/2010 17:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsHarkness · 08/06/2010 18:06

To be honest you need to step back from it, the 14 year old girl needs her daddy just as much as your little one, forcing them to discuss the half-sister issue could force them apart again. She has just got back in contact, it is still in the early stages and your husband is doing the right thing taking it at his daughters pace. If and when the older girl wants to meet her half sister she will initiate it, but you have to be prepared for the fact that she may never want to. Just because they are related it doesnt mean that they have to have a relationship. The older girl may feel so strongly about it it may take a long time for her resentment to settle, which is her right.

Original poster

superv1xen · 09/06/2010 11:02

it all sounds so hopeless.

OP posts:

MrsHarkness · 09/06/2010 11:13

Please dont feel that the whole situation is hopeless, it may take a long time but it could sort itself out, but you do need to go at the older girls pace, as i said she may never want a relationship but then again curiosity may get the better of her. Enjoy your little one and just take things as they happen, i really do hope it works out for you. I am married to a man 12 years older than me and have a step daughter that I get on wonderfully with, but it took time and was worth it in the end.

cestlavielife · 09/06/2010 11:19

your dd is one - far to young to udnerstand about the complex relationship here! give it time as others said. she isnt going to know she missing out...

when your dd is say four or five and can talk etc - then the 14 year old will be older,18 to 19 - more mature and may really enjoy getting to know her and taking her out etc.

MintHumbug · 09/06/2010 13:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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