to be so angry?

[callaird]

I think I probably am, but can't get over it.

Yesterday at 3pm my cousin text me to ask for my brothers mobile number, I sent it to her and asked her why she needed it but got no reply.

At 6:30 a family friend asked me on facebook (yes, I know, bloody facebook, I hate it!) how my dad was, I said My dad? What's wrong with my dad? And she then messaged me to say that he woke up yesterday morning and couldn't feel his arms and was in hospital having a scan (booked in at 12 noon). I then phoned my Aunt (mother of cousin who text me) and that was all she knew. Phoned my brother who knew what Aunt knew, started to panic, phoned the hospital they said that he had had his scan and gone home. Phoned home, phoned dad's mobile, mum doesn't have one and was with dad, no answer from anywhere, this went on for nearly an hour.

Finally spoke to dad, who has had a mini stroke (should never have googled that!!), his voice was slurred and I could barely understand a word he said. I told him to get mum to call me back, she didn't.

My brother finally phoned me back at 9pm to tell me they were keeping him in overnight for observation. He hadn't had the scan until 2pm and mum knew the results straight away.

AIBU for being furious at my entire family for knowing what was going on and telling everyone else and not telling me? I do live a flight away but could have been there in a few hours.

AIalsoBU to smash my laptop into smithereen's and never go on the bloody internet again?

Last one - AIBU for being mad at mum for not phoning me until an hour ago?

I probably am being unreasonable about them all, but I am so upset (not helped by 2 hours of not knowing what was going on, feeling so stressed out and then dad laughing at me when I was so upset when I finally got hold of him!)

Ok go! (I am not apologising to any of them, even if you do think I am being unreasonable!!)

YANBU sorry to hear about your dad

YANBU

Your dad was not being unreasonable to laugh at you though, he probaby still thinks you are 10 if he's anything like mine

yanbu hope he's ok.

I'm so sorry you've had a horrible time
YANBU but it sounds like your family just were crap on this occasion, and your mum was probably too stressed / worried to be thinking straight.
Your dad probably laughed to try to reassure you maybe?

Did he have a TIA? My grandad had one of those about 20 years ago - made a full recovery and was fine but was scary at the time.

To be honest, they are both pretty crap at keeping in touch. They never ever phone me (unless they want something!) I always phone them.

Dad wrote of the car a few weeks ago, a head on crash with a brand new Mercedes converitble! My Uncle (my Godfather and dads best friend (who also has to call them!), who calls me at least once a fortnight) told me after about 2 weeks! I had spoken to my brother in between times and he told me dad was getting a new car but not why!

I love my mum but we don't get on particularly well, get on much better being a flight away!

But I am daddy's girl, always have been and I feel sick to think he is not well.

I think dad laughed cos he didn't know what else to do! I am not angry about that bit, just upset!

SPB - He did have a TIA and when mum didn't call back, I called and spoke to ward sister who said the same as you, but mean time I have googled it and read all the horror stories! Stupid internet!

YANBU.......I would be fuming and really upset. Is it possible they just didn't want to worry you or make you feel you had to rush to the airport to be with him do you think?

YANBU!

I'd be especially angry about finding out via a family friend.

Why on earth didn't your cousin say why she needed the number in the first place!

You poor thing, you must have been so stressed! YANBU, buuuut your dad obv wasn't able to communicate to you what was happening and your mum must have been very upset/stressed and perhaps didn't want to contact you until she knew the full story iyswim? I think your aunt/cousins acted very irresponsibly though. Hope your dad gets well soon Hun xxxx

callaird
DB lives a couple of hours away from 'home', and having gone through health problems with both parents, we have an agreement that I will always contact him if there is a problem, and tell him the complete truth, rather than try not to worry him.
Maybe it's worth letting your DB know how you felt, and asking him to keep you honestly posted in future, so you can make the decision whether you need/want to return to see your parents.

That sounds very stressful... Poor you, and you must be very worried about your dad.

After what you said about the scare stories - just wanted to add that my Dad had TIAs 10ish years ago too. Was very scary at the time. He lost a lot of movement, and to begin with he couldn't speak at all. His recovery was very very quick though (as often is the case), and to meet him now you would never know what had happened to him. He gets tired more quickly than he used to, and sometimes forgets words. But nothing that seems unusual really for somebody of his age.

I hope your Dad gets better really soon.

YANBU at all of course - but people react in funny ways when a stressful situation occurs. When I was staying at my parents a few years ago, I woke up one morning to find a note on the kitchen table saying 'we've gone to casualty'. No further explanation!!! Of course I went completely spare, couldn't get hold of them, spent hours ringing hospital to no avail, imagining worst case scenarios. Turned out my dad had fallen and hit his head. When they got back home, my parents just couldn't understand at all why I was so hysterically upset - surely I knew that they'd have rung me if it was really serious? didn't want to wake me up etc etc.

Your immediate family may have thought the same - that they'd be sparing you anxiety given that you were far away; it may not have occurred to them that the situation was serious enough that you'd want to come home. I agree that you should be spelling out exactly what you feel and what you want to happen if something similar happens in future. Your cousin, however, was well out of order!

So sorry to hear about your dad callaird, I do hope he makes a full recovery.

When I lived a three hours train trip away from my family, my dad had a bleed in the brain. This kills about half of the people affected, and leaves most survivors with long-term problems. My dad was very lucky and came off lightly.
It happened in the early afternoon. My mum called me early the next morning... Initially, I was quite upset that I hadn't been informed earlier. I mean, my dad could have died by then.

However...
It had been evening by the time my mum and sister called a doctor in, who sent my dad straight to A&E /a stroke unit. Mum and sis went along, stayed late until diagnosis was confirmed and treatment planned (surgery planned for next morning), went home finally at about 2am to catch some sleep (or try to), and went back to hospital at about 6am to be with my dad before they started operating. Just after he had been taken to theatre, at about 7am, my mum called me. I got there before mid-day, just in time to be with my family when we were all taken in to the family room where they told us how the surgery had gone, and soon after I was able to see my dad (who, groggily, said: "why on earth did you come all this way? My little girl, always over-reacting..." - just to go on to be confused about what day it was and where he was).
So, in hindsight, it all looked a bit different. By the time my mum knew how serious it all was, she was well and truly occupied with simply being with my dad through the worst parts of his ordeal. Should she have called me at 2am, when she got home from hospital? If my dad had died, then I would probably be saying yes. But he didn't, and I am now able to see that I would have been terribly upset at being stuck 3 hours away in the middle of the night and not able to do anything. As it was, I had had a good night's sleep and thus was able to support my exhausted mum and sister when I got there.
Yes, I was upset at not being informed earlier. But afterwards, the gratitude and relief for my dad still being alive was a much stronger emotion. Also, seeing how terribly scared and upset my mum and sister were, sticking together and supporting each other was just so much more important than the comparatively insignificant issues of who had called who when.

I did at a later time discuss it with them, explained how it makes you feel left out and scared, and asked to be informed sooner in the future. But the initial anger had long since subsided.

Sorry for making an essay out of this - it was such an intense time, and tends to all come back at certain moments. I guess what I mean to say is, of course it is not right that they didn't inform you and you had to learn through facebook. But being angry won't make it better and there are probably more important things right now. After you have all got through this, there will be better times to discuss how such situations should be dealt with in future.

I hope you can get to see your dad very soon and that all will be good!

YANBU. My parents have done this with me. Not telling me my younger brother had had a car accident and been taken to hospital. My other sisters knew! He had actually flipped the car several times and written it off-noone knows how it hapened. Lucklily, he was unscathed apart from bad bruising, but I didnt find out till 4 DAYS later.
Also omitted to tell me till several days after the fact, that my uncle had died. (We knew he was dying, but it would have been nice to be told).
Idont know the logic for this, and my parents dont know why I was upset! I told them, I would like to know if things happen, and as an adult, can make my own decision what action to take.
Perhaps we just never grow up in our parents eyes.

YANBU, you should have been told before your cousins and everyone else.

Let them know that in future you want to know these things is case you need to arrange a quick flight home.

Thank you everyone, I am really glad you don't think IABU. I feel a bit better now having read some of your expeiences. And I am much less angry (still not apologising though! Stubborn? Me? Never!)

My brother "text" me about an hour ago, he's seen a specialist and it wasn't a TIA, it was a stroke. They did various tests and he doesn't have any furring of the arteries and so doesn't need an operation. He needs twice daily physio for his speech and mobility, although his mobility isn't that affected. He has gone home, which has to be good news right?

Spoke to mum for about 2 mins this morning and she said she didn't want me to know because she didn't want me to worry, which is fair enough, but once she knew that I knew, I think she should have called me, she doesn't agree so we will have to agree to disagree, which we do a lot!!

I think I might print this off and take it over on Saturday, just to prove that I had a right to be angry! Just kidding, will let it go.

Thank you all again, it really does help to know that I am right and I can now move on.

experiences

Glad to hear your Dad is on the mend.

If I were you callaird, I would go on Saturday to see your Dad and give him a boost. You need to have a conversation, but I'd do it at a later stage when your Dad has recovered, and you are all less emotional.

But you know your family........

Hi ajandjjmum - I have booked my flights and going over on Saturday, back sunday, so flying visit. It is his birthday on Sunday too! I am thinking a bottle of duty free Grouse is probably not a good birthday present.

Have spoken to mum and I just said, "let's just forget about it now, no point going over and over it but just remember that in future I want to know as things are happening and then I can decide whether or not to worry about it or come over!"

So all is well.

And I still know she was wrong and I was right, because you all told me so!!!

Thank you again everyone.