AIBU to cut my SIL out my life so i dont get depression again

[addictedtolatte]

i want to stop all contact with my SIL but feel so guilty about it when she comes to my home to see her nephew she never has anything positive to say and its getting me down. she has vertigo and has to sit away from my patterned wallpaper as it makes her condition worse she cant sit in my ds's room with him the lime green walls make her worse. she constantly describes how her mum died although my stepmum died the same way so dont feel comfortable listening. she lies in bed all week when she has sinusitus and expects her brother my dp to run round after her resulting in him taking time off work to do this. i am not being disrespectful to sinusitus sufferers out there as i have this condition too but cant remember it making me bedbound. this is just the tip of the iceberg with her behaviour so i have finally decided i cannot tolerate her anymore and wanted to know AIBU to suggest she doesnt visit anymore as her behaviour just upsets me. i am willing to let my dp take her nephew to see her as i wouldnt dream of stopping her seeing him just cant see how me and her spending time together is benificial to anyone

why would her behaviour give you depression again though? did a doctor diagnose you before sating she made you depressed?

I would have a chat with her first and mention what you're thinking of doing - say you wouldn't want it to come to that, but she needs to modify her behaviour.
Sounds like she's depressed / a hypochondriac (sp?), so might be worth (gently) asking her about getting professional help...

ilovetiffany i have a history of depression and tend to let situations get on top of me. i openly admit i am oversensitive. her behaviour i have decribed in this post is the tip of the iceberg she just drains me everytime she comes round. rewardgirl thanks for your advice i have suggested to her about getting professional advice but she just doesnt seem to want to help herself.

Your SIL sounds like my MIL. The problem with speaking to MIL about how fucking annoying she is is that she will cry and I will feel awful. Luckily I see her once a year and am refusing to visit this year as DH can go on his own with dc's if he wants but she just annoys me, causes DH and myself to argue, so whats the point. I would tell your SIL you find her problems depressing and you can't cope with them so either she stops talking about them or stops coming. Lifes too short.

thanks fransandisco at last someone who understands where am coming from she does all these tricks tells people shes upped her meds as i have made her worse by ignoring her calls ect. this is the only time me and dp argue is after one of her visits

Last summer my mum and dad came to Scotland with us and MIL stayed with us all for two days. My mum, who previously told me I needed to be a little more tolerant of 'poor old M', couldn't believe how easy MIL could turn on the tears when her sons were around (DH and older brother).
Another time when I suggested DH and I take the dc's to his father's grave for the first time, with MIL, she told me I needn't come as it was a family thing. My f'in idea!! DH said I was mistken by what she meant. Honestly toxic relationships need not be tolerated.

OMG that is exactly what she is like. my dp keeps telling me i am misunderstanding her. when i had my ds i had a complicated birth resulted in a shed load of stitches and an infection leaving me unable to walk without being in excruciating pain, but on day one of me being home my dp had to constantly tend to her illnesses leaving me alone at home with my injuries and a newborn i also had to make the teas and dinners on her visits while she came round to help me while my dp went back to work. she just sat on the sofa complaining as usual

What if you suggested meeting somewhere else - like a local cafe or coffee shop, or the park - which would remove a couple of her causes of complaint (the wallpaper and paint colours that affect her), and would be on more neutral territory, where you wouldn't be expected to wait on her, which might also reduce a bit of stress for you.

Plus if you've offered something reasonable, and she's turned it down, you've got the moral high ground if she decides to weep all over her family about you not wanting to see her.

stayingdavidtennantsgirl i offer to meet her elsewhere and she just says the traffic makes her bad, the people moving about in cafes make her ill grrrr! i feel like a bully which is everything i dont want to be but i am running out of options, do you fancy adopting her

lime green walls would also make me worse in any situation

she doesn't control your dp he made a choice to go to hers rather than looking after you and your dc
this is a truth that you need to deal with and apportion blame accordingly
your relationship and you and your child are his joint responsibility if he chooses to shirk that responsibility then blame him not her

otherwise i think it's all about communication

if you resented cooking for her then perhaps you needed to tell her, especially after the birth of your dc

perhaps she needs to speak about her mother's death but if it makes you uncomfortable let her know gently

Does she have any children of her own?

to be honest the limegreen where a mistake but i will repaint them when i feel like not to pander to someone

i know its partly my fault for not proportioning blame i used to hope my dp would know he was making a wrong choice i didnt feel i had to tell him i just feel it would be best for both of us if we dont share the same air space the atmosphere is very uncomfortable and i feel totally drained when she has left, her other brother no longer has anything to do with her as he too cant suffer her anylonger. i just didnt have the backbone at the time to say no to the cooking i just got on with it.

mrssaxon no! she has never had a boyfriend i cant think why

your next step is up to you of course but it will cause untold trouble in your relationship with your dp if you don't try to repair some form of relationship with his sister

the difficulty often is that you are with a dp for certain reasons... but not his outlying family. They are sometimes a very unwelcome addition.
So that sometimes those familial bonds can seem unnecessary and as though he is choosing them over you and your new family? Or that he can't see clearly what you see.

I'm sure his sister would have a very different opinion on what is going on and you have to take that into account too....it might be that you are equally difficult for her

being more straightforward and communicating with her will help and as someone said try a neutral venue for a while

I only say because my sil sounds similar.

She became increasingly spiteful and dh decided not to have anything more to do with her.

We still send birthday cards and maintain politeness at family functions, but just don't allow her any room in our lives.

Our situation was quite extreme, I wont bore you with the details.

I am not suggesting that you react in a similar way, but maybe you should seriously cut back on the amount of time you allow her.

I was lucky as this came from my dh, but I did have 5 years of excuse making for her appalling behavior.

mrsaxon sorry you had to endure the same it really gets you down. i am a very positive person but she just zaps all the life out of me i cant really explain properly you would have to spend the day with her or maybe not youve sound like youve been through enough its like a viscous cycle me and dp get on great for 2 weeks she comes round then i spend all day the next day nagging him about it he then gets fedup of me nagging he does admit she is high maitanance but he is anything for an easy life. i think i just need to cut myself off from her and my life will be a much brighter place.

Trouble is you end up with anything BUT an easy life.

Before DH saw the light I had reached the point that I would be polite to SIL but avoid contact if I could.

I remember hiding in the shed once when she came round.

she sounds hard work and irritating
however, she is your DPs sister and will always be on the periphery somewhere

you need to have a chat with him, not just after she's been over, or he's just seen her, choose a neutral time and carefully explain the situation

your brother needs to make you and your DCs ( you hvae DCs?) a priority.. if she is poorly, he cannot spend the week running round after her to the point of not going to work that is madness