to expect to be asked, not told?

[OutOutLetItAllOut]

oh n i have having serious issues. he apparently is frightened to tell me things. like that he wants to go out for the night or hasmade arrangements without telling me.
the reason he is frightened is that i go mental and a massive argument follows.
the reason i go mental is i dont like being TOLD i would prefer to be ASKED
and i dont like being ASKED after plans have been made
and i dont like to find out that i am the last to know.
example, he will come in on a thurs night and say, do you mind if i go to a works night out tomorro. i say fine. then i get told its been planned for weeks, he said yes ages ago and im only finding out at the last min. meaning if i say no, he has already got himself arranged for it, or meaning i cant find childcare so cant go and end up being pissed off that i have to stay home while he goes out.
or that work have asked him to change his whole rota for the next 2 months, and he has said yes without even consulting me. even tho it now means he wont be able to make plans that we have previously made.
im a sahm he works. im not telling him he cant have a life, BUT id really like it if he said, either, fancy US going out?
or, you mind if i go out for a few beers,(then either) ill be home b4 12, (or) will get blottoed no idea when ill be home.
apparently i am making him ask for my permission. i feel like its common curtosy.
and that by him just dumping things on me, im gettin the piss taken outta me.
any ideas?

Im with you.

Its shit innit,cant you do the same back to him?

he sounds a bit of a immature nob.

Changing rotas at work I see as normal in some sorts of job, especially if people get ill. If I had to change my work pattern I would not tell work I needed to discuss it with my husband, especially if he was at home all day and no childcare issues.
re the nights out then I agree he's behaving in a child/parent way with you not adult adult.
I hate men who go on about "needing permission" from their wives to go out.
As long as you don't get angry when he asks to go out (how often does he go out) then I'd tell him you expect nights out to be discussed so chilcare can be sorted, as you might have plans.
It sounds as though part of the problem is that he has a social life and you don't. maybe you should start going out more without him on an evening to even things up and make him realise the kids have to be looked after on an evening.

I don't really mind if DH says 'I said I'd meet X for a pint on Friday, that OK with you?'. I know that if there were any issues he would change plans without any big deal. I think the fact that you appear to make such a big thing about being asked first before he is able to give a response to friend about going out, does make it seem a bit like asking permission. Have you told him what you've told us? Maybe a bit of give and take on both parts would help resolve the issue.

Do you ask his permission before you make all these plans?

I must admit if arranging to go out with friends I'd make plans first and then check with husband and change plans later if necessary, same with him.
We used babysitters when kids younger though so it wasn't a big deal if we both wanted to go out.

megatron, that would be fine.
but if for some reason i say its not ok, for instance last time he made plans i was ill, so i wanted to be able to go to bed, not sit lookin after kids all day then have to do the night aswell,..he had a go, cause i wasnt letting him out.
ilovefrogs, the plans im talking about being affected by his work changes, are a christening, that we said yes to going to 2 months ago, and a b day party for our own kids. which we already sent invites out for, and he now wants me to call everyone and make it start later. and i also go to a class every thursday night, which was something HE bought for me as a present. now cause of the changes he agreed to, i cant go to 3 of them in the next 8 weeks.

i think you need a calendar with the undertaking that you both put upcoming things on there - that way you can discuss over dinner.

i understand that you wopuld like him to consult with you in case there are other plans, however it does rather come across as asking him to ask your permission - so you do hae to walk this line carefully - between needing to organise life and coming across as a harridan

I think work and social events are different issues. Changing his work roster affects everyone so of course there should have been some discussion unless he's in a situation where if he says no his job would be in jeapordy (in which case I'd feel sorry for him for being in such an inflexible job).

With regards social things though, I don't think any adult should have to "ask permission"
as such. "I'm planning on seeing x for a few beers, does that clash with anything you're doing?" or "there's a work do on Friday I'd like to go to, have we anything else on?" is the normal polite give and take you'd expect in a relationship. I certainly wouldn't expect to ask or be asked "Can I meet x for a beer?" .

how do you do that tho?
if someone invited us all out, he says, ask X, she knows whats on the calander,
i have no issue with him going out. if we spent all our 'off' time together, we would go mental.
but when he makes plans that i am meant to fall in with to suit him or his mates, it pisses me off.
the work thing annoyed me more cause he works shifts, and every other weekend. so it changes things WE can do as a family. and if on his weekend of there is no plans he moans that its a wasted weekend. but if im not allowed to have a say, or make plans cause i dont know when he wil be around, how can i still get moaned at for not making plans?

how do you do that tho?
if someone invited us all out, he says, ask X, she knows whats on the calander,
i have no issue with him going out. if we spent all our 'off' time together, we would go mental.
but when he makes plans that i am meant to fall in with to suit him or his mates, it pisses me off.
the work thing annoyed me more cause he works shifts, and every other weekend. so it changes things WE can do as a family. and if on his weekend of there is no plans he moans that its a wasted weekend. but if im not allowed to have a say, or make plans cause i dont know when he wil be around, how can i still get moaned at for not making plans?

but HE isnt cancelling or calling the people, IM meant to. so he changes a plan WE made, and the I have to sort everything out.
i said to him, if you want it made later, fine, all you have to do is let the guests know. but he wont. cause he doesnt like talking on the phone!

I would hand him the phone and tell him that sometimes in life we have to do things we don't like. re your Thursday evenings I would make him organise a babysitter if he wants to go out when you have already booked something. That isn't on.
Don't rant and shout at him, just tell him calmly that you are going out and if he wants to go out as well/work that evening he needs to find a sitter, or that if he wants to change to party time he phones everyone.