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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To refuse the wedding invitation of a black sheep?

22 replies

Quattrocento · 07/06/2010 21:55

One of DH's friends is a charming raconteur, amusing company, bon viveur. He is also thoroughly untrustworthy, has skipped the country (now returned) to avoid debts, his family have disowned him, he has been made bankrupt and has been sacked (mostly for dishonesty of one form or another) from every job he managed to talk himself into. He lies routinely. He refused to support his daughter, who has no contact with him.

He preys on women, I think, although you forget this when you spend time with him. I've been to two of his weddings (missed the first one),and met numerous of his girlfriends. All of these have supported him financially.

DH views him with tolerance (a) because he is an old university friend and (b) because he is very amusing, but of course we are not particularly close to him.

Now the fourth wedding is on the cards and I've met the new intended, and she is truly lovely. Wealthy of course, hence DH's friend's interest, but totally unworldly. She has no idea what he is really like.

It's horrible though, seeing this lady being totally dazzled. I'm worried he's going to run through a large sum of her money (he has previous and he gets through the folding stuff fast) before she works it out. She probably doesn't even know about the borderline criminal stuff.

It's none of my business of course, and equally there's nothing to be said to her. I'm puzzled how we even know a rogue like this, tbh. But I really can't stomach going to this wedding.

AIBU to plead a prior engagement?

OP posts:
hairytriangle · 07/06/2010 21:57

YANBU. If you don't want to go, don't go.

Quattrocento · 07/06/2010 21:58

Aye, I know, but try to be scrupulous about supporting DH's friendships and not interfering.

OP posts:
GladioliBuckets · 07/06/2010 22:02

Let your DH go, plead childcare and skintness issues to stay well away. Eg not wanting to take kids is reasonable, have used up family babysitting karma, don't want to leave kids with anyone else (in case she offers to pay or something daft.) (Can you tell I've done this myself?

GladioliBuckets · 07/06/2010 22:03

Let your DH go, plead childcare and skintness issues to stay well away. Eg not wanting to take kids is reasonable, have used up family babysitting karma, don't want to leave kids with anyone else (in case she offers to pay or something daft.) (Can you tell I've done this myself?

qk · 07/06/2010 22:06

You could just go and treat it as a nice day out if your DH wants to go.

Whether you go or not, this guy will continue to be a shit. He sounds very much like my BIL, who has paraded through life wrecking the lives of women who he's come into contact with. I am ashamed to be related to him, but I would still attend his wedding and feel VERY deeply sorry for the poor woman who was sucked in by his charm. A little different to your situation as mine is a family member (using the words loosely).

I think if you/DH want to cut the friendship off, not going to the wedding would be fine. I'm not saying that not going would cut the friendship off by itself, but if you want to cut the friendship off, it would be a good place to start as he will be wrapped up in his new life etc.

Quattrocento · 07/06/2010 22:08

But I don't want to be responsible for cutting any of DH's friendships off ...

OP posts:
hairytriangle · 07/06/2010 22:12

DH can go on his own, no?

Quattrocento · 07/06/2010 22:13

Well he could but he'd prefer not to.

OP posts:
GladioliBuckets · 07/06/2010 22:17

I'd say man up to your DH. There's no law that says you have to do couples socialising, let the men go and do male bonding. Surely the more time your DH spends with him the more annoyed he must get?

maddy68 · 07/06/2010 22:18

make an excuse and let DH go. To be fair this could be the real deal and they could live happily ever after
if he doesnt want to go alone then go and paint a smile on - this is your husbands friend whether you like him or not is largely immaterial

saslou · 07/06/2010 22:21

I think that if you go, you are basically endorsing the groom. Much better, I think, to have nothing to do with it if you truly believe he is not doing the right thing by his fiancee

GladioliBuckets · 07/06/2010 22:22

I wouldn't expect my DH to socialise with any of my friends that he didn't like - would be more fun without him in such a circ. And vice versa. As it happens we're both pretty good judges of tw*s so it hasn't come up.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 07/06/2010 22:26

Wow he sounds like some cad from a Jilly Cooper novel!

If you dont want to go, dont go. Can you and your DH not have family commitments on the same day?

expatinscotland · 07/06/2010 22:29

YANBU.

Don't go.

I have little patience with con artists myself and couldn't abide his company no matter how amusing.

You don't need a lie as an excuse.

Just prior engagement, which could definitely include a date with a good book on the sofa.

Quattrocento · 07/06/2010 22:36

That's what I thought - we'd be endorsing the groom if we went.

Okay - wide berth - appointment to wash my hair.

Good strategy

Now I just have to tell DH

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 07/06/2010 22:37

If he wants to go, he goes on his own.

It's his friend.

Sounds fair to me.

I think a takeaway and a good film or book sounds like a much better alternative.

grumpytubwumper · 07/06/2010 23:27

Is it because the sheep is black, innit?

Quattrocento · 07/06/2010 23:29
OP posts:
Doodlez · 07/06/2010 23:30

YANBU - just email him and tell him "Sorry, can't make it to this one but promise, we'll be at the next!"

Quattrocento · 07/06/2010 23:33

In fairness, there is an attraction to going to someone's third wedding (well it's the fourth but the third one I'll have been to). None of our other friends are likely to have so many weddings. Do you think being very experienced at weddings helps with the organisation?

OP posts:
Horsesweat · 08/06/2010 09:18

Quattro

If you really can't face it don't go - and why not do the kind thing and give the bride to be some "friendly advice" about his past criminal/financial behaviour.

sanielle · 08/06/2010 10:16

YANBU. But I bet it will be a hell of a party, if this guy is half as bad as you say he is! You may be missing out

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