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Original poster

Spending time as a family

16 replies

mummylou123 · 06/06/2010 21:38

to expect my husband to spend at least one day a week with us? My husband and I have been together for ten years and we've just had our first baby. Lately we've been arguing loads due to the fact that he seems to spend no time with us at all. He tells me straight that he finds our son boring and annoying. Everything else seems to come first with him- work, gym, hobbies, mates. I honestly believe this whole baby world has come as a complete shock to him and he finds it all way to dull, so he just carries on as before. I'm strugling so much with this as i find him totally unreasonable and selfish. I'm thinking of leaving him as i don;t see the point in staying when he clearly doesn't want us. Do many mums go through this? Should i just hold in there and hope things will improve when the babies older and less 'boring' as he puts it? sorry for the essay, just needed to get it off my chest.

OP posts:
kalo12 · 06/06/2010 21:42

gosh, feel sad for you. its a trying time and your relationship has to be on hold for a while. you need support at home and with the baby. shocked that he says the baby is annoying and boring! maybe he is finding it difficult to adjust. could you get someone to come and help, - mum for instance, and just concentrate on your own and baby's needs

Mingg · 06/06/2010 21:46

I'm with Kalo, he is probably finding it difficult to adjust. Does not make it easy for you though and I too feel sad for you. Did you both want the baby (if you don't mind me asking)?

noshouting · 06/06/2010 21:51

How old is the baby?

fandango75 · 06/06/2010 21:53

silly arsehole needs to grow up by the sound of it. Off to the gym? Boring? pah. What a toad

fireupthequattro · 07/06/2010 00:54

Hmmm sounds like you have a bigger baby to deal with than your new born. Can't he deal with the lack of attention....

Can you go away and stay with some friends or family for a bit to clear you head and get some support?

Is he resentful of the time your DS is taking with you, leaving him with none? Can you get a sitter and go out for a few hours between feeds to let him know that you are still there?

Lynli · 07/06/2010 01:10

I so understand what you are saying. My DH has no interest in his DS 9 as they have nothing in common.I suggested playing the playstation but apparently that is no good as DS always wins. My DH said he is too intelligent for him and makes him feel small.
DS said "Dad I don't need you to learn the whole dictionary just what love means". I persuaded DH to come to the park and fly a kite with us yesterday and he stood there saying this is f-king st. we have been together 32 years. I have tried everything and there is improvement for a couple of weeks and then reverts to type. I really feel for you but I would fight for what you want and if you don't get it leave.

secunda · 07/06/2010 01:17

tbh I think a lot of men feel that babies are boring, but don't say for risk of being flamed (and hurting their partner's feelings). I guess I would say hold on - he may suddenly get it when baby starts walking and talking

lifeissweet · 07/06/2010 01:25

At the risk of getting flamed and disapproved of myself, I find babies boring. I did not particularly enjoy the baby stage. It was relentless and tedious and gave very little reward.

That said, I loved ds and still got on with caring for him because he was my child and that was the job I signed up for.

It is far too easy for fathers to distance themselves from their babies because it's too much hard work. Mothers can't. He needs to grow up and take some responsibility. He may be finding it hard to adjust, but tough shit, frankly. He is an adult and that is a helpless baby and you shouldn't have to do it all on your own.

WellMeantHellBent · 07/06/2010 01:30

Some people do find the baby stage quite boring, I found the first few weeks an endless cycle of feeding, changing, sleeping, crying, but when they first smile or giggle or sit up it is great and you know it is all worthwhile!

But be careful, your DH may find the later months exciting but you just get a different kind of stress then, you can't put them down anywhere and expect them to be in the same place when you get back!

Lynli that is so sad for your son to grow up in that sort of environment. Are you making plans to leave?

FearlessLeader · 07/06/2010 02:25

babies are pretty boring- but he's not spending time with either of you, which would suggest that he finds you boring too. Also I'm sure you occasionally find endless feeding, changing and settling boring. It's bloody boring. He needs to suck it up and do his share.

FearlessLeader · 07/06/2010 02:26

oh yeah, what lifeissweet said

thumbwitch · 07/06/2010 03:49

Good crikey, what an ARSE!
Dh didn't particularly find DS very interesting when he was teeny but he was never rude enough to say so AND he was at home helping out, not swanning off to relive his bachelorhood while I was stuck with DS!

Insensitive, selfish knobend, I'm afraid - and perhaps you do need to consider whether or not you need a large baby in your life as well as the small one.

Has he said he is feeling left out, that you don't pay him attention any more, that you never have time for him, that he hasn't had sex for weeks yet?? All signs of the immature jealous-of-the-baby knob.

He needs to grow up FAST or risk losing his family.

God I'm for you.

thumbwitch · 07/06/2010 03:51

Lynli - for you too - I can't be doing with people who refuse to subjugate their own boredom thresholds at least once in a while for the sake of their DC - crapola uber-selfish behaviour, IMO.

mummy2WLH · 07/06/2010 04:08

I think many men and women find the small baby stage very hard going. It is fairly tedious with little in return. We have 3 children and if I am honest my DH did struggle with all 3 for the first 6 months. I think as mothers we can more easily sooth tiny babies and dad becomes less confident handling them and it can be a vicious circle. However the crucial difference is that DH never ever let me know this, he was fully involved in as many bathtimes playtimes nappy changes etc as his work allowed. Over time his bond with all of them grew. He is now very firmly their favourite and is a wonderful daddy.

I think even if he finds it difficult your DH has to put the time in now. A bond will not just grow from thin air and the only person that can make it happen is him.

I really feel for you that you are feeling lonely and unsupported at such a difficult time.

I really hope he will "man up" for all your sakes.

Cretaceous · 07/06/2010 08:49

He sounds totally selfish, but at least he's honest. I think babies are boring too [mean and unreasonable mother emoticon]. However, that shouldn't stop him doing his fair share.

How old is the baby? If you've only just had him, it's early days and there's plenty of time for DH to change. Perhaps he finds it all overwhelming and regrets having a child. He may need a period of readjustment. Sadly, you don't have that luxury.

Can you talk to him without getting upset and angry? Listen to what he has to say, however unreasonable, then ask him what he thinks he should do. Perhaps he will realise he should be pulling his weight etc etc. But if you get (justifiably) angry, he'll just feel hard-done-by.

foreverastudent · 07/06/2010 11:12

Why dont you just up and head out before him one weekend morning so he HAS to adjust to having a baby?

If you made a joint decision to have a baby you should both 'suffer' the boredom.

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