Right I need some more advice re my behaviour with DH

[EricNorthmansmistress]

I posted last week about DH flying off the handle because I had taken the cash out of his pocket and banked it. got some good advice.

We are having a weird time at the moment. Re-negotiating some boundaries I think. I am also pre-menstrual and that makes me a bitch a bit trigger happy on the temper.

He is a market trader. However he prefers to keep late hours (start and finish work late) which works fine during the week but is not workable at weekends - the market manager allocates pitches by 9.30 and frowns on any regular traders arriving after ten. DH is always the last there at 9.30 anyway, and the last to pack up.

Last night he went out and came back late (4.30) which being that he has a malfunction with sleeping (is addicted to it, needs about 10 hours a night to function normally) was stupid, IMO. I went to get him up at 9 and he got out of bed. I noticed quiet a bit later and checked - he had got back in bed. I flipped. Dragged the covers off him, got furious and forced him out of bed. He reacted very pissed off and said he would go in later. I was very angry, called him lazy, selfish, irresposnible, etc. I wasn't very nice.

He got up and was there by ten.

This evening he tells me I should have let him go in late, he didn't sell anything until the afternoon, he could have spoken to the manager who would have kept his pitch, he doesn't interfere with my work, it was not my place to get angry with him.

So.......................WIBU? Bit of both?

Yes you were being unreasonable.

You sound very bossy and controlling.

Let him work the hours he wants.

OP how would you feel if he told you how to do your job?
You sound a bit like his mum and not many men would take kindly to that type of treatment.

Thanks. I am bossy. I prefer not to be controlling but DH has ishoos in certain areas and it's either I control shit or we go under (financially and maritally) which is why I get controlling-blindness at times and need to be told if/when I'm out of order.

I forgot to say - firstly he said he wasn't going to work at all. We are broke and trying to pay debts and save so him taking an unscheduled day off is not really ok.

Going in 30 mins late wouldn't be a problem - going in 3 hours late would have meant losing his pitch and taking possibly 1/2 what he could in his regular spot.

anyone else? Come on, I can take it

Ok well then I can understand why you got so upset, maybe have a chat about why you lost it and try and find some way of communicating without upsetting each other in the process.
He is probably worried about the money situation too and maybe doing an ostrich impression is his way of (not) coping.

I can see why you are worried by his behaviour - given what you say about finances etc. I also think he was irresponsible to stay out until 4.30 when he had to get up for work the next day.

But - ultimately he's a grown up and if he makes a poor decision he has to live with it, take the consequences and sort out any mess he gets you both into.

The thing is, whether your behaviour is controlling or not, its clearly not working for you. He doesn't react well to you bossing him and interfering (fair enough) so I think between you, you have to work out a way forward that stops you worrying, but doesn't make him feel he's being got at. Maybe over a glass of wine one evening when you have both calmed down.

Right. Yes I see. But he was being wasn't he? Wasting a day of work when we need money? Not that I was right to rant at him. I have hurt his feelings. Oh I feel in a tangle. I was so angry that he could disregard his responsibility to go to work.

Yes I know. Which is why I wanted him to come home tonight but he is staying out to 'think about what I said'. Baaaaaah.

That's why you need to let the dust settle a bit Eric, before you work things out. You sound stressed about the way things are, and he needs to acknowledge that, as well as you trying not to lose your rag with him. Changes on both sides I think

Yes indeed Thank you. I did actually apologise earlier for what I said. I still think I was right to be pissed off at his attitude and in the context of past struggles maybe it's like a red rag to a bull thing and I do overreact at the mere hint of twattery. I just don't understand going out until 4.30 when you have a hard physical job to do the next day.

Yes I know he wouldn't have taken in a word I said anyway. Gaaaah destructive patterns of behaviour. i'm sick of it....something needs to change.