to epxect our family and friends to remember our daughter's 16th birthday?

[oldfogeymum]

Not a card or phone call, nothing!

She has two grandads, 8 uncles and aunties, several teenage cousins. She is a lovely, sweet, quiet girl who they all like but no one remembered. I always send them and their kids cards for birthdays. I'm really disappointed.

Do I call them and ask what's wrong, ignore it and wait for them to remember one by one, I haven't brought it up with her yet but she already has low self esteem and this will not help.

We've organised her a makeover and photoshoot for a present in the hope it builds her confidence.

She has lots of friends who all got in touch, went on a picnic with her etc. Should I just ignore the family bit? I really wanted them to care.

Sorry my first post is a winge!

I barely remember my siblings' birthdays, let alone those of their children. And I'm always bemused when I get a card on my birthday from one of DH's friends whom I barely know. I'd certainly never expect a birthday card from my aunts, uncles or cousins, except maybe on an 18th or 21st birthday, which are meant to be big "coming of age" events.

Some people care a lot about sending cards and receiving them, and see them as a measure of how much they are loved/love in return. Some people just don't -- they show their love in other ways. I suspect if you made a fuss with your family, they really wouldn't understand and would think you were being OTT. It's a clash of family cultural expectations, not a deliberate slight.

I would not say anything in front of her. She probably hasn't felt it as much as you have. Her friends are probably way more important than family and they gave her a nice time.
I would phone the Grandads and tell them you are offended, although it is usually women that deal with that sort of thing. I know if I wasn't here no one would get anything from DH.
Anyway she has a lovely Mum what more does a girl need.

ignore the family bit, enjoy her day with her and the people that care enough to remember. you can bring it up if you want to, to show her that you care or to get it off your chest. but i doubt it would work (i'm talking as a child that was ignored on birthdays and christmas by my dads family whilst my cousins on that side were doted on as were my brothers and sister. not that i'm bitter or anything )

I think it's horribly ignorant. Have the family always been like this or is it a first? You say your daughter has cousins - how are their birthdays marked by extended family?

Hi Thanks for all your advice. I felt better just typing it out!

In the scheme of things it's not the worst thing that could happen and she had a lovely day yesterday so I'm going to stop grumbling. Maybe she's too old for birthday cards from everyone and his dog now!

Cheers
Cathy

Thanks for making me laugh! I hope you've got over it.

Thanks for making me laugh! I hope you've got over it.

i think you are totally in the right here. however, personally, i would have been dropping hints left right and centre from about a month or two ago, just to make sure that they remembered. it is very difficult to recall birthdays, and a gentle reminder is , at least in my case, appreciated.

If you make the effort to remember their DCs birthdays, then YANBU to expect them to remember your DDs. I wouldn't say anything in front of your DD, but would mention it to the family that you were hurt by their thoughtlessness. I don't suppose they meant anything by it though.

Some people need reminding in the run up to the birthday and I don't think you can go around thinking less of these people. Some people are very organised about writing dates on their calendars or remembering occasions - some aren't so.
In my family, it's often the women who remember. I wouldn't expect grandads to and I'd feel pretty rotten about a grandad feeling guilty that he'd missed it - I'd just mention the birthday beforehand to give him half a chance.

It depends if they always remember the birthdays of other children within the extended family and just miss her off. If that's the case then tbh, you should have a word with them because it is unacceptable.

However, if they just don't send cards to any of the kids - then just accept it.

I hear there are people who stop sending cards and presents if they never get thanked, or if they never get one back.

Could that be the case here?

I have noticed that the people who get the most cards are normally the ones who tell everyone ad infinitum that it's their birthday. People forget otherwise. I always get my mum to drop it into conversations with extended family for DCs birthdays.

If birthday cards don't contain nice cheques I don't think they are missed much by teenagers.

I would remind the rellies clearly before her 18th and 21st.

YANBU. No one in DHs family have ever remebered my DCs birthdays (4 and 2) which makes me feel irrationally with a big dose of the tigress protecting her cub. Entirely normal to feel this way. I would subtely drop her birthday into the conversation.

I think YANBU, its really rubbish. I hope she isn't upset.

Yabu.
I really dont get why other people should remember your childs birthday. Can you imagine how many peoples birthdays they would need to remember in total?

Unless you have made a party and invited them, I dont see why they should make an effort to remember. Grandparents yes, but aunts and uncles? Really, people lead busy lives, it is unreasonable to expect it. It is NICE if they do remember, but unreasonable to be upset they dont.

I disagree with QSnondomicile as I think when it a member of your own family you should make the effort.

My Dh and I both come from big families with lots of children and we always make the effort to remember each birthday as it makes that person feels part of the family. I don't think it takes a lot out of anyone time to pop a card in the post even if they don't have time to get a present. Better to get something than nothing to show you remember.

Sometimes people do forget but it is odd that none of the OP family seems to have remembered, especially as OP makes the effort with them and their families.

Hope OP daughter stills has a great Birthday and that family do remember in the end to say happy Birthday!